


what have i become, my sweetest friend?

by entropyangel



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Joel Miller Deserves Everything, Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Slow Burn, Smut, joel miller, post apocalyptic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 57,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25600522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/entropyangel/pseuds/entropyangel
Summary: i focus on the pain,the only thing that’s real.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	1. days of you and me

**Author's Note:**

> hello lovely people<3 this is my first tlou fic and im super excited! i really hope you all enjoy. feel free to comment any feedback :)

**JOEL MILLER**

  
  
  
**XEN FRELING**

**ELLIE WILLIAMS**

******  
**

The atmosphere is sticky and hot. July sun beats down on Xen, even through the windows of the abandoned building she lies in. The blue sky and dragonflies zooming through the air reminds her of adolescence, remnants of life before the apocalypse, and she is quick to suppress those memories. What's the use in longing for the good life she used to know?

Nothing. Fruitless thoughts that only depress her further.

"You can go outside, you know," The little girl calls from her spot in the corner. Ellie, yeah, that's her name. Xen glances at her, and chuckles lowly. "Hot as shit. I'm ok," she mutters, nuzzling her head further against her backpack. They've only been together a few days, linked through their friendships with Marlene, and their immunity to the virus.

They've both been bitten. Ellie's got a mark on her wrist, sharp imprints of teeth etched into her delicate skin. Xen's got one on her shoulder, just as bloody and inflamed as Ellie's. It's been weeks, and they haven't turned.

Marlene tells them she knows someone that can get them to a hospital, where they can be tested, and hopefully help to find a cure. "Why don't you go outside? You're young, probably can tolerate the heat better than me. And don't tell me you aren't bored, shifting and touching everything in this damn room," Xen says, chuckling again. Ellie shakes her head.

"I don't like the heat either."

They sit in easy silence. Ellie sharpens her knife, and Xen lies motionless on the concrete, her head resting on her dirtied backpack. There's stillness, tranquility, but they both know it's bound to seize. Any crumb of sweetness in the rotten city is certain to be stolen.

They turn out to be right as the door swings open.

Xen immediately spins around, eyes meeting Marlenes. She stumbles to the floor. Xen immediately darts up and over to her friend. But two more people step in. A brute, towering man, and a thin woman. The man leans down to help Marlene up. "Come on now, get up."

He has a dusky southern twang, voice low and gravelly. That alone intimidates Xen. "Get the fuck away from her!" Ellie screams, lunging towards the two strangers with the shiv. The skinny woman catches her arm before she can inflict any damage. "Let her go," Marlene orders breathlessly to the woman, clutching her side. Blood soaks through her shirt.

The stranger glances at Marlene sharply, before releasing Ellie's petite arm. She stumbles backwards and glares at the older woman. The man bends down towards Marlene. "Recrutin' kinda young, aren't ya?" He says, glancing briefly at Ellie, and sounding as if he's joking with an old friend. Marlene shakes her head.

"She's not one of mine." Marlene slowly rises from the grungy concrete, and both Xen and Ellie race over to help her. Xen stares at the wound, trying and ultimately failing to hold a grimace at bay. "Shit, what happened?" Ellie asks, leading the older woman to sit.

"Don't worry, this is fixable," Marlene pants, lowering herself onto a steel table. "I got us help," she explains, nodding towards the two strangers. Ellie turns, and stares at them, large doe eyes glimmering with mistrust.

Xen doesn't blame her. Can't trust much anyone these days.

Marlene turns and looks sadly at Xen, then back to Ellie. "But I can't come with you guys." Ellie looks helpless, lips gaping and eyebrows knitting into a firm line. Xen feels the same way, and lets out a scoff. "Well then, we're staying," Ellie argues, staring up at Xen pleadingly. Xen crosses her arms over her chest, and shuts her eyes, trying to wrap her mind around what's suddenly happening.

"Ellie, you two won't get another shot at this," Marlene warns, grunting lowly as her wound bleeds out. "Hey, we're smuggling them?" The man asks, sounding surprised and slightly offended. Marlene nods. "There's a crew of Fireflies that'll meet you at the capitol building," Marlene says, and the woman in the back scoffs, stepping forward. "That's not exactly close," she remarks coldly.

Marlene gazes at her, with stern dark eyes. "You're capable." They stand in silence for a moment, glancing at eachother fleetingly. "You hand them off, come back, and the weapons are yours," Marlene assures, but the strangers seem suspicious of her claim. "Double what Robert sold me," she finishes. "Speaking of which, where are they?" The woman asks.

"Back in our camp." The woman chuckles darkly and glances at the man in disbelief. Xen and Ellie stand silently, shaken by the disruption. The woman turns back towards Marlene. "We're not smuggling shit 'till I see them," the woman declares, as if she's discussing guns or drugs and not humans.

Marlene lets out a sigh, growing tired of the arguing. "You'll follow me. You can verify the weapons, I can get patched up, but they're not crossing through that part of town," Marlene orders, pointing to Xen and Ellie.

"I want Joel to watch over them."

"Woah woah woah, I don't think that's the best idea-," the man, Joel, begins, suddenly interrupted by Ellie. "Bullshit! We're not going with him!" She declares fiercely. Xen mirrors her adolescent temper, anger boiling hot in the pit of her stomach. Her temper's her worst enemy. She's hurt and maimed and killed because of that blossoming wrath in her belly, a snide little voice whispering in her ear, pushing her towards delightful violence. But she tries her best to control herself for the younger girl. "Ellie.." Xen says warningly, placing her hand on the girls shoulder and glancing at Marlene, who looks utterly exhausted. Ellie turns, staring at Marlene indignantly. "How do you know them?"

"I was close with his brother Tommy," she explains quietly, nodding as one would to a child. Well, Ellie is a child. Xen finds herself forgetting that sometimes. "Said if i was ever in a jam, I could rely on him," she finishes, nodding towards Joel. He softens at the mention of his apparent brothers name.

Xen wonders what's happened to him briefly, then realizes she shouldn’t care.

"Was that before or after he left your little militia group?" Joel retorts tauntingly, his glare menacing and calculated. His voice is a low growl and sends waves of fear rippling through the room. Xen wishes she could snarl in such a chilling manner. No one would fuck with her then. Marlenes gaze is just as cold. "He left you too," she remarks, and Joel wears a stern frown. "He was a good man."

The woman turns towards Joel, who looks wildly wrathful. "Look, just take them to the north tunnel and wait for me there," she suggests quietly. Joel shakes his head, pacing the small room. "Jesus Christ," he mutters in unadulterated disbelief. Xen experiences the same dizzying sensation of cynicism.

"They're just cargo, Joel," the woman assures, and Xen scoffs quietly. Her first verbal expression since this mess began. The two strangers glare at her briefly. "Marlene.." Ellie whispers, and Marlene shakes her head.

"No more talking."

Her tone is shushed and mothering, and Ellie's face crumples into a sorrowful frown. "You two will be fine," she says, nodding towards Xen, who nods too, in a feeble attempt to calm Ellie down. But Xen doesn't believe a word Marlene says. The outside world is unpredictable.

And who knows what these strangers intend to do?

Marlene stands up, groaning weakly as she grips onto her hip. Xen wraps a reassuring arm around her shoulders, pulling her up and to her feet. "Go with him, now." Xen releases the woman, and joins Ellie. "Don't take long," he hums to the woman, before turning to Xen and Ellie, his gaze just as disapproving.

"You two, stay close." He then turns, and begins towards the exit. Ellie hangs back, staring at Marlene helplessly, and Xen pulls at her arm. "Lets go!" Joel calls.

Ellie and Xen glance at eachother, unsure of what the hell they've gotten themselves into.

Joel wonders the exact same thing.

________________________________

The sun beats down on them as they walk out onto the bloodied pavement. Bodies litter the cement, bullets nestled in their skulls. Ellie lets out a shaky breath. "Whoa...I heard all the shooting..but..what happened?" She asks hesitantly, gripping her shiv securely. Xen trails behind her, clutching a revolver fiercely.

"The Fireflies," Is all Joel says.

"Same things gonna happen to us if we don't get off the street," he warns, and Ellie sighs. "You're the pro. I'm just following you." She then turns towards Xen, who has been deadly silent, a million thoughts occupying her mind.

"You good?" The young girl asks, and Xen nods. "You?" Xen asks in return. "M' fine," Ellie mutters. They descend down a pair of steps, and into a small courtyard. Joel navigates expertly around the area, leading them to a pair of steps that leads underground.

"Down here," he calls, despite the fact that they trail closely behind him. All three of them turn on their flashlights as the suns glow disappears. They run through a small tunnel, and up a quaint flight of stairs. Joel looks like he's in his mid-40's, but shit, he's fast.

"Keep up," he says earnestly, and Ellie scoffs. "We are."

They round a corner and find themselves in another courtyard, surrounded by scrappy apartment buildings. "Where are we going?" Xen asks, letting Joel hear her voice for the first time since their unfortunate meeting.

He points forward. Vague. "Up there, that'll get us to the north tunnel." She doesn't fully understand his direction but nods. "How are we supposed to reach that?" Ellie asks. "Just gimme a minute," Joel grumbles, rubbing into an empty garage. Xen and Ellie wait outside.

He returns, pulling a large dumpster with him. His muscles flex and strain beneath his stained flannel as he pushes the bin towards the rusty fire escape. It collides with the metal, emitting a loud screech. Joel jumps onto the bin, then hoists himself onto the fire escape.

Ellie and Xen follow.

Ellie lets out a meek grunt as she pulls herself onto the dumpster, than the fire escape. Xen goes after her, but with less groaning. She lets out a deep breath as Ellie offers out her hand. Xen shakes her head, but manages a playful smile. "M' not that old," she grunts, standing up and dusting off her knees. Ellie rolls her eyes.

Joel watches them curiously, for a fleeting moment, before returning to his iron solemnity. They climb up steps, the metal squeaking in protest against their body weight. They enter a quaint apartment. Abandoned, of course, and graffitied with the Firefly symbol.

"This tunnel, you use it to smuggle things?" Ellie asks, full green eyes glimmering with curiosity. She's so questioning, so determined yet slightly innocent. Xen misses that age of inquisitive spirit, and the slightest obliviousness. "Yep," Joel grunts plainly.

Xens already tired of his tough guy act.

But maybe it's not an act. She can't tell, but she knows she's feeling annoyed.

"Like..illegal things?" Ellie presses further, and Joel sighs. "Sometimes."

"You ever smuggle two people before?" She asks playfully, and the slightest smirk tugs at Joel's lips. "No—that's a first." They descend further into the dark hallway. "So, what's the deal with you guys and Marlene anyways?"

Ellie glances at Xen. "Xen and her have been friends for awhile. I don't know..I'm her friend too, I guess," Ellie answers, shrugging cluelessly. Xen nods. They reach a portion of the tunnel with several windows. Fluorescent summer sun flows in. Joel laughs, and somehow even such a joyous sound is rough around the edges, steel and dark.

"Your friend, huh? You're friends with the leader of the Fireflies. What're you, like..12?" It's not much of an actual question, more taunting and rhetorical. "She knew my mom, and shes been looking after me...and I'm fourteen! Not that that has anything to do with.. anything."

Xen chuckles quietly at the girls sheepish ferocity, and Ellie jabs her lightly in the side.

"So where are your parents?" Joel asks, and Ellie sighs. "Where are anyone's parents? She retorts, before letting out an exasperated sigh. "Mine have been gone for a long, long time."

"Hm.. so instead of staying in school, you just decide to run off and join the fireflies? Is that it?" He asks bitterly. Ellie scoffs. "Look, I'm not supposed to tell you why you're smuggling me, if that's what you're getting at."

"You wanna know the best thing about my job? I don't gotta know why. Be honest with you, I couldn't give two shits about what you're up to," he explains as they enter another dirtied hallway. "Great," Ellie mutters. "Good."

"Xen, is that your name?" He asks, not turning to face her. "Yep," she mumbles, and he nods. "You don't talk very much," he inquires lowly. She chuckles quietly to herself. "Want me to do something about that?" She asks, making Ellie smirk slightly. Joel shakes his head.

"Nope. The girl does enough talking for the both of you."

They turn into a small room. "This is it," Joel grunts, collapsing onto a couch. He looks..slightly relaxed? Strange to see such a tense, bulky man lounging like this. Xen feels the tiniest smirk tug across her lips.

"What are you doing?" Ellie asks, raising her arms. Joel doesn't open his eyes. "Killing time."

Xen laughs quietly, and pats Ellie's shoulder. "Old people need rest," she taunts, and Joel opens one eye, playfully snarling at her. Strange to see him suddenly so jovial. He's full of surprises, she supposes.

"Well..what am I supposed to do?" Ellie asks, pacing the room, worn converse squeaking against the dusty floorboards. Joel shrugs, and shuts his eyes again. "I am sure you'll figure that out." Ellie then stands still, eyes narrowing as she gazes at his arm. "Your watch is broken."

He softens slightly, then lets out a quiet laugh.


	2. now that this old world is ending

Night falls. Ellie and Xen sit on the floor, chatting quietly and pacing the room every once in awhile. Joel sleeps like he's in a coma. Groans and mumbles loudly. Xen wonders what he is dreaming of.

Or what he's so scared of.

After a specifically loud line of mutters, he wakes himself up. His eyes shoot open, wide and panicked for the slightest moment, before they return to their stony, aloof glare.

"You mumble in your sleep," Ellie comments from her spot on a tattered lounge chair by the window. Rain patters against the glass in a calm rhythm, thunder clattering every once in awhile. "I hate bad dreams," she adds, shaking her head and gazing out at the ruins of Boston.

Joel sits up, groaning slightly as his spine audibly crackles. Xen sits against a graffitied wall, cutting her eyes at him. She doesn't yet trust him, not one bit. But Marlene has put her faith in him, and she's not sure why.

"Yeah, me too," he agrees breathlessly, leaning forward and resting his face in his large hands. Xen slowly stands up, and sulks towards Ellie, who motions for her to sit on the arm of the chair. She obliges and stares out at the city.

She almost forgets that the world is in flames as the stars glow divinely in the darkness. Her eyes drift down to the buildings, the way vines and moss have covered the cement, how bodies litter every inch of the floor.

Then she remembers again, how cruel the world is.

Heavy footfalls sound. She looks over her shoulder, meeting Joel's dark dusky eyes. "You know, I've never been this close," Ellie begins, nodding towards the window. "To the outside."

"Look how dark it is," she remarks, straightening her posture and moving closer to the foggy glass. Joel ignores Ellie's inquisitive nature, and turns on a small, rusty lamp, then turns back towards the woman, and the girl. "Can't be any worse out there."

Xen frowns. "Can it?" Ellie asks, and Xen laughs dryly. "Yes, it can."

Joel inches closer to the young girl. "What do the Fireflies want with you?" He asks, tone inhospitable and agitated. Xen knows Ellie is stubborn, and will not answer. Before she can snap back at Joel, the woman from before enters, skinny with a head of brown hair.

"Hey, sorry it took so long. Soldiers fuckin' everywhere," she grumbles, shaking her head. "How's Marlene?" Ellie asks immediately. "She'll make it." She then turns towards Joel.

"Saw the merchandise. It's a lot," she reports. She then nods towards Xen and Ellie. "Wanna do this?" She mutters. "Yeah," Joel grunts apprehensively. "Lets go."

_______________________________

They stand crowded together, in a noisy elevator. Joel started up the power, but Xen doesn't doubt the possibility of the elevator breaking anyways and thrusting them towards a gruesome death. "Who's waiting for us at the drop off?" Joel asks Tess. They've finally learned the strangers name. "She said there's some Fireflies that traveled all the way from another city," Tess reports, glancing at Xen and Ellie.

"They must be important."

Xen says nothing. Neither does Ellie.

"What's the deal with you two? You some big wigs daughter or something?" She asks. Doesn't sound very curious, more condescending in nature. Xen laughs quietly.

"Something like that."

They step off of the elevator, and Xen almost hums a little prayer, stunned that they didn't die. "How long is this gonna take?" Ellie asks. "If everything goes as planned, we should get you guys to them in a few hours."

They walk in silence for a few moments, gripping their flashlights securely. "Once we get out there, I need you two to follow our lead and stay close, especially you, Ellie," Tess says, and Xen finds her tone patronizing, but simply nods, too exhausted to argue.

They find a crawl space, lit by orange lanterns. They all crouch, and crawl into the small tunnel. Xen's back throbs dully, but aches and pains are something she's well acquainted with. There's always some type of quiet agony pulsing in her own body.

They enter a small room, and stand back up. There's a white ladder. Joel quickly climbs up. She's stunned by his agility, his fierceness. He's so...old. "Check if the coast is clear," Tess calls to him quietly. He lifts the slant of wood placed over the makeshift hole in the roof. Xen is right below him. His heavy, grubby boots are so close to her chin, she's afraid they'll hit her. 

Then she thinks that's a silly thing to be scared of, considering the fact that her skins already ravaged, a deep, jagged scar running down the left side of her face, and several smaller ones littering her body, and her everyday challenge of not getting eaten by a zombie, of course.

"Hold up, there's a patrol up ahead," he whispers. A few seconds of suffocating quietude pass. "Alright, we're good. C'mon up." Joel leads them up onto the soft dirt. "Watch your step," he advises as Xen drags herself up onto her feet. He grabs the large plank of wood, and moves it over the hole once everyone has climbed out. It'd raining, hard, pellets of water beating down against their skin like rocks.

"This rain ain't gonna do us any good," Joel grumbles. Ellie ignores him, infatuated with her own amazement. "Holy shit, I'm outside." Xen glances at her. Something within her churns at the fact that Ellie was so protected, so safe from the outside worlds chaos and misery, and now she's not.

But then she supposes that day would come, sooner or later.

They hike over grassy, muddy hills and jagged rocks. Ellie looks thoroughly mystified, touching and smelling and soaking in every minuscule detail she can. They reach a makeshift tunnel. Looks like it was a freight truck before. They climb into it, and walk through it without much caution.

Joel is the first to jump out. A dark figure appears. A soldier. They smash the butt of their gun into his head. He groans loudly and falls to the ground with a thud. He's not passed out, at least, as he hunches over and catches his breath. The solider turns towards the three women. They raise their hands once the person aims a gun at them. Xen wonders if they can hear her heart, how it thumps at a dizzying velocity against her ribs. 

"Don't do anything stupid." The soldiers voice is feminine. "Move." This voice is masculine. They mindlessly step out of the tunnel, and onto the wet, muddy earth. "Turn around, on your knees." They kneel alongside Joel, who is already bent over, cringing at the throbbing ache in his head. The mud is cool against Xen's knees. "You scan 'em, I'll call it in," the female voice orders. "Alright."

"Hands on your head," he growls to Joel, who obliges, but not without paying the soldier a scornful glare. "This is Ramirez at sector twelve. Requesting pickup for three stragglers," the woman reports into her walkie talkie. The man scans Tess first. "Look the other way. We can make this worth your while."

"Shut up," he grunts promptly, moving onto Joel. "Getting tired of this shit," he mutters, the device beeping. He then moves onto Xen. "What's the ETA?" He asks the female soldier. "Couple minutes." He glances at his fellow soldier briefly. Xen is quick like lightening.

She yanks out her dagger and plunges it into his leg. He screams and she lurches forward, trying to wrestle his gun out of his hands, but he pounds it against her skull. She grunts and hits the floor, vision bleary. But she can see Joel as he tackles the soldier, sending him flying to the damp ground. Several gunshots sound, and Xen sits up, fearing the worst.

Tess holds her pistol and the male soldier is dead on the ground. She can hear the female soldier struggling, but then a gunshot sounds again, and the noises seize. "Fuck," Ellie rasps, backing further against the wall of the tunnel. "I-I thought we were just gonna hold them up or something," she exclaims, pulling her knees ramrod against her chest. 

"We needed to do this, Ellie," Xen pants, collecting herself as she stands. Her head throbs but she ignores the ache. Tess picks up the scanner. Her eyes widen slightly. "Shit, look at this," she mumbles, tossing the device to Joel. Xen's stomach turns.

"Jesus Christ," he rasps, dropping the scanner. "Marlene set us up. Why the hell are we smuggling an infected?" He growls, eyes zeroing in on Xen. She shakes her head. "I'm not infected.." she argues firmly. An inkling of fear blossoms in her stomach, submerged beneath bloodlust and the need to survive. 

“She's not, I swear," Ellie chimes in, lurching forward. "No? So was this lying?" He nods towards the discarded scanner. Xen shakes her head again. "I can explain.." she grumbles. Tess only scoffs. "You better explain fast."

She stands up, and vigorously yanks off her backpack and tattered sweatshirt, revealing an even dirtier, sweatier black tank top. "Look," she whispers, nodding towards her own shoulder as she collects her thick curly locks into her hands. "I don't care how you got infected," Joel snarls, backing away from her.

"It's five weeks old!" Xen argues, voice cracking as she begins to yell. Ellie rolls up her sleeve, revealing her own bite mark. "Mine's three." Tess shakes her head in utter denial.

"No, everyone turns within two days," she mutters. Xen recognizes a glint in her eyes. Fear. Gleams for the slightest moment, before her chocolate pupils go dark again. “Stop bullshitting!" She spits, pointing her gun at Xen, who simply sighs. "She's telling you the truth!" Ellie shrills back, tapping the bite mark.

"Why would Marlene set you up?" Xen growls, putting her sweatshirt back over her head. Tess and Joel stare at eachother, trying to gauge how well they can trust the strangers.

Because they really don't know eachother, do they?

He shakes his head, pacing around like a madman "I don't buy it." Xen feels her wrath coming forward, in towering waves of fire she cannot control. She shuts her eyes, and breathes deeply through her nose in a feeble effort to keep her ire at bay. But it's too late.

"Fuck you guys! We would've fucking turned by now!" She roars, jabbing her gun in their direction. They wince ever so slightly at the sight of her pistol. She's breathing hard, gasping for air as her chest heaves. So angry that darkness edges her vision, and she wants to punch, kick, maim...kill. Her fingers tremble against the trigger. How deliciously easy it'd be to put a bullet between their stony eyes and return to Marlene, how satisfying it'd be to watch their blood stain the floor.

Joel is looking into the distance, his scowl melting into a frown. "Tess, run."

The tires of a car sound.

Xen's wrath dissolves into pure adrenaline, and she rushes to get Ellie up. "Move!" Tess roars, and they begin sprinting.

There's a pit. Xen's stomach turns as they run towards it. Joel jumps in, fearless and stone cold as ever. Then Tess, then Ellie, then Xen.

Her heart lurches, only to stop once she collides with the gravel. It’s a shallow, muddy pit. They can hear the chatter of soldiers as they duck and maneuver around a crawl space. They are suddenly outside again, and they take cover behind a metal wall.

"Alright, when I give you two the signal, we run," Tess orders, glancing at Xen and Ellie. They nod. "Signal. Run. Got it." "Now, run!"

They stand and run towards an abandoned tractor, ducking low behind it as they approach another pit. Xen hopes her ankle isn't broken, if they even make it out alive. They continue running in the pit, jumping over hunks of rock and ducking under fallen tree branches.

They reach a narrow tunnel. 

"It's gonna be another sprint. You two ready?" Tess asks. They nod wordlessly, their hearts pounding too erratically for them to even form words. Well, Xen manages to say something.

"How do you run, old man?" She sputters towards Joel, leaning over and gulping in air. He laughs shakily, as if they weren't just screaming at eachother less than five minutes ago and Xen wasn't having thoughts of murder. You can't hang onto tiffs and petty fights, not in a world like this.

"Now," Tess says, and the begin sprinting through the tunnel. It's dark and wet, smells like something's rotting. Xen can imagine what it is. They reach the end and jump down into a shallow stream. Alarms blare from the soldiers trucks, their stern voices streaming from every direction. "Soldiers, right there," Tess hisses, voice wavering as she ducks behind a boulder.

"I see 'em," Joel mutters calmly. "They must've gotten through. Check the trenches!" A gruff voice yells, and Xen curses beneath baited breath. They run forward, and crouch behind a tall stone wall. Soldiers are perched atop tall boulders, routinely shining flashlights around, desperately searching for the four.

"Stay down, don't let 'em see you," he whispers. 

They walk carefully through shallow puddles and beaten down patches of grass, routinely taking cover behind great rock walls. They continue this cycle, and eventually reach a quarry filled with water. Without much forethought, they jump into the water. Xen doesn't want to imagine what's been in it.

They swim to a wooden platform, and drag themselves on top of it. Xen grunts quietly, and so does Ellie. Joel is so silent, so calculated, it almost scares Xen. They exit the quarry, and run forward, climbing up more wooden platforms, until Joel shushes them.

"I hear 'em up ahead," he mutters. And as they descend further, Xen begins to hear them too. "Ops said they took out a couple of our boys. It's gotta be those fuckin' fireflies retaliating!"

Xen scoffs inwardly.

They crouch behind a wooden post. Xen notices Ellie's hands, gripping her shoulders with deathly force. Her fingers tremble, and Ellie's tough, witty facade cracks. Raw terror shines through, but Xen doesn't mind, because she remembers that Ellie is a girl,

Not a woman.

"Go, go!" Tess hisses. Joel leads them towards a pair of steps. They silently climb, and find themselves in the ruins of a large cobblestone building. They jump through a window, finding a chained garage door. Joel is quick to pull the chain downwards, slowly opening the door. The squeak of the metal is excruciating, and Xen imagines the chain rubbing against his palms is even worse.

"C'mon," Tess pants, putting her hand on Ellie's back and guiding her under the door. Xen immediately crawls under. Tess pats her shoulder reassuringly. "Good," she breathes. Xen puts her hands beneath the cool metal, and helps Joel lift the door.

He ducks, and slips under.

They crawl towards an abandoned, pre-apocalypse police car. Another remnant of life before...everything. "Shit, another patrol. Everybody get down," Tess whispers.

They sit behind the police car momentarily, before darting towards another abandoned van. "How are we supposed to get past them?" Ellie asks helplessly. "They ain't spotted us yet. Lets go around," Joel says. They slouch behind another cement wall. "How's it look?" Tess asks. "There's too many," he grunts.

"Oh man," Ellie whispers, scoffing incredulously. They vault the window of an abandoned brick building. It's dark and the four stumble aimlessly through the rubble. They reach a window, thick stripes of artificial light shining in. It's the soldiers, and their flashlights. "Shit, one right there," Joel whispers. They immediately crouch lower.

The soldier comes closer to the window. Xen can see the dirtied camo of their uniform. They then loop around to the doorframe. The four take this opportunity to climb through the window.

They continue this cycle, looping through abandoned buildings and rubble until they find themselves in yet another quarry. Xen isn't thinking much anything. Everything moves like a meek blur in the pandemonium. Not much use in reflection. "Tess, ya got any idea which way?" Joel asks. "Uhh...it looks so different," she fumbles. Xen has never heard her speak this way, unsure of herself.

"Hang on, lets see where this leads," Joel mutters, crouching in front of a narrow white tunnel. It's a short climb through, and they reach another abandoned site. "Yeah, this looks right," Tess says. Joel leads them up a short flight of steps. "Well, at least we're out of the rain," he says. Tess snorts.

"How's it look?" She asks as he surveys the room quietly. He nods towards another brick tunnel. "Think we can squeeze through here," he says. They crouch and crawl through the space, finding themselves outside again.

"Charlie squad, report," a militaristic voice calls, and Joel grunts. "Shit shit! I got more soldiers," he hisses, taking cover behind a wooden post. "Break off pursuit and report back to Sector 11," the same voice orders.

"I don't think they see us," Ellie whispers. "Stay in the shadows," Joel advises as they reach a wider tunnel, one they can actually stand in. They run through large metal doors, urgently looking around the room. Joel searches through lockers and drawers for supplies.

"Are we safe?" Ellie asks hopefully. "No. They're still out there," Tess deadpans. At least she's honest. Tess then turns towards Xen. "Take a moment to catch your breath," she says, hunching over.

Xen pants quietly in the cool room. Water drips from the ceiling, and onto her face. Cleans the dirt and blood slightly. Joel reloads his gun, and exits the room, looking back at the three women. "C'mon," he orders.

"God, he's so old," Xen mutters. Tess lets out a quiet laugh. He stops walking and turns towards her. "Really? How old are you, Xen?" He asks, crossing his arms over his broad chest. She fends off the quietest smile. "36."

He scoffs. "Sounds pretty old to me," he retorts, beginning to run again. She rolls her eyes, but follows him. "Up through this pipe, I think we'll make it," he suggests. Tess nods. "Stay very close," she warns, eying Ellie.

Water seeps into their shoes and pants as they run. They're in a sewer. Xen tries not to remember that. The water is deeper and pools around their waists as they exit the tunnel. "Woah woah woah, hang on, hang on.." Joel whispers suddenly. They all freeze.

A military truck drives over the sewer drain loudly, it’s fluorescent white lights nearly blinding the four. "Jesus," Xen rasps. The truck passes and they begin marching through the water again, approaching a barred door. Joel, Tess, and Xen push against it, breaking it open beneath their weight.

And they're outside. Again.

The rains stopped, thunder and lightening seized. "Alright, they're gone," Joel reports, breathing hard and fast. Ellie sits down on a patch of wet grass. Xen stands at a distance, arms crossed over her wet sweatshirt. She's shivering, but she tries her hardest to ignore the dull, freezing bite against her skin.

Tess bends down in front of Ellie. "Look, what was the plan?" Tess asks. "Let's say that we deliver you to the fireflies—what then?" "Marlene..she said that they have their own little quarantine zone, with doctors still trying to find a cure." Joel scoffs.

"Yeah, we've heard that before, huh Tess?" Xen rolls her eyes, and Ellie frowns at him hopelessly. "And that.." she begins, shaking her head and sighing in disbelief. "That whatever happened to me and Xen..that's the key to finding the vaccine." Joel turns, pacing the area. "Oh Jesus," he mutters tauntingly. 

"Joel, just shut up," Xen growls, plopping down beside Ellie. "It's what she said!" Ellie yells helplessly. Joel turns back around, nodding. "Oh, I'm sure she did."

"Fuck you man! We didn't ask for this!" She exclaims, darting up from her spot. "Me neither. Tess, what the hell are we doing here?" Joel asks. Tess stands up and frowns coldly. "What if it's true?" She asks. Joel's mouth is slightly agape, and her backs away from her.

"I can't believe—," "what if, Joel?" She asks again, stalking towards him. "I mean, we've come this far. Lets just finish it," she suggests, staring up at him, her gaze calculated and solid. He grasps her thin forearm, yanking her forward and pointing towards the city.

"Do I need to remind you of what's out there?" He growls lowly. Tess turns away from him and shakes her head. "I get it." She wrestles her arm out of his large hand, and sulks off.

Ellie and Xen follow her.

He's left standing there as it begins to rain again, and he realizes he has no choice now. This is his duty.


	3. limp in your own hand

They reach the Capitol Building at sunrise. 

Xen drags herself up the tall steps. Her entire body throbs and aches, but she's sure her new companions know the same agony. "Everything you hoped it'd be?" Joel asks Ellie. She shrugs, a playful smile tugging at her lips. They reach the heavy wooden doors. Tess pulls them open.

"No..." she groans, running forward. Xen peaks over Joel's shoulder. A dead body. Flies swarm around the corpse, feasting on rotting flesh and dark blood. The scent of death circumvents the room, metallic and musky and rotten. "No no no," Tess mutters again, crouching down beside the body. A feverish look casts her eyes as nimble fingers begin to pick across the body.

"W-What happens now?" Ellie stutters, eyes flickering between Xen and the corpse. Xen is in disbelief, pacing the empty plaza in a frenzy. Of course. This is just her fucking luck, stuck with Joel and Tess forevermore. 

Tess is still searching the body, rummaging through their clothes and bag. Joel sighs. "Tess, what are you doing?" He asks hopelessly. "Maybe they ah...maybe they had a map or something to tell us where they were going," she rambles, voice panicked and shaky. She's pathetically desperate.

"How far are we gonna take this?" He asks, placing his hands on his hips. "As far as it needs to go!" Tess yells out, her voice a strangled sob as she continues to ravage the dead body. She suddenly stops and looks up at Ellie frantically. "Where was this lab of theirs?"

"Never said. Only mentioned that it was someplace out west," Xen interjects, because Ellie looks so feeble.. so worn out and perturbed by the very, very dead person.

"What are we doing here? This is not us," Joel says calmly. Tess scoffs and lurches up. "What do you know about us?" She barks, narrowing her foggy eyes at him. "About me?"

"I know that you are smarter than this," he growls, nodding towards the ransacked corpse. "Really? Guess what? We're shitty people Joel. It's been that way for a long time—" "no, we are survivors!" He interjects, chest heaving as wrath brews like a storm within him.

"This is our chance-," she is quickly cut off again by Joel's own roar. "It is over Tess!"

He stands there, staring at her as he catches his breath. "We tried. Now lets just go home." Tess shakes her head. "I'm not going anywhere. This is my last stop." "What?" Joel spits, scowling and utterly oblivious as he stalks towards her.

Tess turns, facing the floor. "Our luck had to run out sooner or later." Xen can hear the way her throat tightens, how it must hurt to even form words as she swallows a cry. Joel extends his arm out, and she slaps it away.

"Don't touch me," she hisses, backing away from him. Xen feels her heart stutter in her chest. The tension in the air is suffocating and impermeable. "Holy shit.." Ellie whispers, eyebrows furrowed as she gazes at Tess. 

"She's infected."

He scoffs incredulously, backing away further. "Let me see." "I didn't mean for this-," Joel promptly cuts her off in a harsh whisper. "Show it to me."

She yanks at the collar of her vest, exposing a bright red, oozing bite mark. "Oh Christ," Joel rasps, his voice trembling, all traces of his disdainful, brute demeanor crumbling to ash.

"Oops, right?" Tess snaps, pulling her collar back into place. She then turns towards Xen. "Let me see your shoulder." Xen doesn't argue, pulls off her sweatshirt, and moves her thick curls from her back. Tess yanks her roughly, pushing her towards Joel. She taps on the bite mark. "This was five weeks! I was bitten an hour ago and it's already worse." Her nails dig into Xen's skin as she shakes her slightly.

"This is fucking real, Joel."

She releases Xen, who rubs at the reddened flesh of her shoulder. "You've got to get these two to Tommy's. He used to run with this crew and he'll know where to go," she explains, only for Joel to stubbornly interject. "No, this was your crusade! I am not doing it-," "yes you are!" She demands, pointing towards Xen and Ellie. Her hand tremors and she moves like a manic person, chest heaving as she tries to calm down, tries to appear rational. "Look, there's enough here that you have to feel some obligation to me, so you get them to Tommy's." She's pleading with him at this point, clasping her hands together and almost bowing, as if he's some deity and not just a grumpy old man.

He opens his mouth, probably to yell at her and deny the truth even further, but they hear the rumble of a truck. Xen glances out of the grand quartz windows. Patrol trucks. "Shit," Tess whispers. "They're here." Joel sighs and begins to pace. "Look, I can buy you some time, but you have to run."

The pit in Xen's chest deepens, as she realizes what's going to happen next. 

Tess's death is imminent.

"You want us to just leave you here?" Ellie yells. "Yes." Joel shakes his head vigorously. "There's no way that—," Joel begins, and Tess pushes him backwards. She jabs a finger in his face, trembling slightly as she glares at him. "I will not turn into one of those things."

She glares sternly, and backs away from him. "C'mon, make this easier for me." Her tone softens, and Joel glances at Xen briefly. "I can fight-" she pushes him backwards again. "Just go!"

He stares at her, a mixture of disbelief, disappointment and.. a hint of sadness. "Just fucking go," she breathes. "Xen, Ellie-," "I'm sorry, I didn't—I didn't mean for any of this," Ellie rambles, gazing up at Tess pleadingly.

"Get a move on," Joel growls. Xen grabs Ellie's small wrist, and begins to run. Joel lingers behind, for only a few seconds.

_______________________________

"What the fuck! I can't believe we did that!" Ellie yells in disbelief. Xen shudders, the vision of Tess's fresh bite mark penetrating the barriers of her own mind. "Stop," Joel mutters as they walk away from the double doors of the capitol building. Xen frowns and follows close behind Joel. She didn't know Tess very well. None of them did, it seems, but guilt blossoms in her belly, buried beneath the overwhelming urge to survive, and the need to keep Ellie safe.

"Stop. Stay close to me. We've got to move."

"Oh man," Ellie whispers, shaking her head. Xen stops walking, and turns, kneeling in front of Ellie. Her green doe like eyes always tell so much, spill her secrets, expose whatever she's feeling with such ease. They shimmer with tears, wet with guilt and hopelessness.

"There was nothing we could do, Ellie. And if we had kept her with us, Joel would get infected too. They would kill us. Do you understand?" Ellie takes a second, breathes deeply through her nose, then nods.

Xen's not sure she truly does understand, but pats the girls back with as much tenderness as a woman like her can muster, and stands up. She meets Joel's dusky gaze. "We good now?" He asks. They both nod. "We'll go upstairs. Can probably get outta here from there."

They climb up grand quartz steps, and run across the mossy balcony, through an open doorway. They crouch, and peek over the banister of the balcony. She lies there, face down, a dark pool of blood surrounding her head like a halo. "Tess," Ellie whimpers quietly.

Xen frowns, and Joel lets out a heavy sigh.

_______________________________

Sun sets as they escape the capitol building.

Blood stains Xen's boots. Her gun is out of bullets and her shiv is dull from slicing throats. She lets out a breath and collapses. The grass bites and prickles against her wounds. But the feeling is so quiet, pales in comparison to the overbearing pounding of her head.

Joel pulls off his gas mask, and coughs dryly. He collapses beside Xen, who observes him through slit eyes. Ellie paces nervously before him, placing her hands on her hips.

"Hey, look...um—about Tess...I don't even know what happened.." she rambles sheepishly, itching at the back of her neck. Joel straightens up and interrupts her. "Here's how this things gonna play out: you don't bring up Tess, ever. Matter of fact, we can just keep our histories to ourselves." "Joel.." Xen hisses, sitting up slightly, and kicking him with her boot. She's so fucking exhausted and deliriously violent, ire thick in her own veins. He turns and glares at her with fiery eyes, before turning back towards Ellie.

"Secondly, don't tell anyone about your condition. They'll either think you're crazy or try to kill you." He warns, and Xen scoffs. "Do you think we don't know that? Jesus.." she mutters, crossing her arms over her chest. "What the hell's got you so riled up?" He snaps, shifting his attention from Ellie to Xen.

She shrugs. "Just stop being a dick, alright?"

He grumbles lowly, and turns back towards Ellie. "And lastly, you do what I say, when I say it. And that goes for you too, Xen." She shakes her head, and sits up completely. He turns and she grabs the collar of his shirt, letting the collar wrap tightly around his throat. "You and me need to get something straight, Joel. I'm a woman. You can't keep ordering me around like a child. And I can look out for Ellie just fine. She always stays in line. Don't know why you gotta keep lecturing her."

She's seething, invading his personal space as she grabs the collar of his flannel. Her fingers tremble, skin almost hot to the touch. She could kill the old bastard, so stony and menacing, even as she yells in his smug face.

She releases him, and lies back, blood boiling thick in her veins, scalding and unforgiving as her wrath grows. Her chest heaves and Joel lets out a heavy sigh. "Then why the hell are you here? Since you're so capable, so grown; what am I doing leading you two?"

She could slit his throat.

Before she can lurch forward, Ellie interjects. "You two need to calm the fuck down," she says, placing a firm hand on Xen's shoulder. It's funny, how a teenage girl, nearly as stubborn and short tempered as Xen, resolved the situation. She nods curtly, and stands up, scooping up her backpack and stained knife.

Joel glances at her, chest rising and falling, before picking up his own bag.

"There's a town, few miles north of here, fella there that owes me a few favors. Good chance he could get us a car." Ellie nods. "Ok."

Xen is simmering in her own fury, can't even speak. She follows Joel and Ellie, feet dragging against the pavement.

It'll be a rough few months.


	4. something against you

The sun rises as they lug themselves across the street, which is covered in moss and vines. "There we go," Joel says, pointing towards a water tower in the distance. "Should be faster if we go through here." He jumps over the metal railing of the interstate, and lands on the woodland ground below. Ellie and Xen follow suit. Her ankles begin to throb dimly.

"Man.." Ellie gasps, fluorescent, young eyes surveying the land. "What?" Joel asks. "Nothing, it's just..Ive never seems anything like this," she explains, brushing her fingers along roots of the towering oak trees. The tall grass kisses at her skin, and she feels invincible. The electrifying gleam in her eyes reminds Xen that there's some bits and pieces of curiosity left in the world, fleeting moments of beauty that suffice for the constant suffering.

Xen hopes to discover that thirst for herself again.

"Pretty, isn't it?" She asks, wearing a slightly forced half smile. Ellie nods, gazing wonderfully at the billowy branches of trees. Xen swears that Joel wears the tiniest smirk. "You mean the woods?" He asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, never walked through the woods," she admits, shrugging her dainty shoulders. "It's kinda cool." They walk in an easy silence. Birds chirp, a stream flows peacefully, bunnies and squirrels frolic across the soft earth. 

They're oblivious, probably not a clue as to what lies in the ruins of Boston. Probably haven't starved, thirsted, bled, cried, killed. Xen shivers, and tries to swallow those daunting memories. "Why don't you just take us back to Marlene?" Ellie asks timidly.

"If she was up to the task, why'd she drop you two off on us?" "Well..maybe she's better now," Ellie argues weakly. Xen tenses up slightly. "Kid, I don't mean to upset you, but your friends chances of survival weren't too high to begin with," he says, hopping over a bush. Ellie doesn't flinch. "She's a lot tougher than you think." Xen is quiet, as she tries to channel something resembling optimism.

But it's impossible as she envisions Marlene's dead body.

"It don't matter, 'cause I doubt I could either one of you back into the city in one piece. Trust me, I wish there was some other option." "That makes two of us," Xen chimes in coldly, and a chortle rumbles through him. 

"C'mon, lets move a little faster."

_____________________________

They reach a quaint circle of abandoned houses on the way to this friend Joel speaks of. They loot through the final one. For once, Xen and him aren't at each others throats, working together in a resentful alliance. 

The girls are ransacking drawers while Joel looks through cabinets. Ellie begins to blow hard through her mouth, looking frustrated then repeating the action. Xen furrows her eyebrows. "What are you doing?" Ellie grunts and continues to blow. She hears the heavy footfalls of Joel's boots as they clunk against the dusty floorboards. "Are you alright?" He asks tauntingly, peaking his head in the living room doorframe. Xen lets out a snort she can't contain, clutching Ellie's shoulder tight.

"I'm trying to learn how to whistle!" She exclaims, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. Joel scoffs quietly. "You don't know how to whistle?" He asks in disbelief. "Well does it sound like I know how to whistle?"

They loop around the house once more, before leaving. Ellie continues to try and whistle a little while more as they approach a metal gate. She eventually gives up, cursing beneath her breath. Joel pulls at the gate, only to find that it's locked. "Shit, it's jammed from the other side," he mutters begrudgingly.

"Here—boost me up," Ellie suggests, stepping forward. "No no, that's not such a good idea," he argues, shaking his head disapprovingly. Xen lets out a quiet laugh. Sounds fathering, worrisome, not as stony and defensive.

"Well, I can't boost you up. How else are we gonna get over there?"

Joel sighs in defeat, and kneels down, holding out his hands over top of his knee. "Alright, c'mere." Ellie places her petite hands atop his shoulders. "Gimme your foot," he grunts. She follows his direction and places the sole of her converse in his palm. "Now listen, just open it okay? Nothin' else," he grumbles sternly, and Ellie laughs quietly. "Sure thing."

She lifts herself over the wood post covering the top of the fence, and hits the ground clumsily. "Easy," Joel breathes cautiously. Xen steps forward, and she's willing to offer a grain of hushed kindness. "She's tough," she whispers, in defense of the young girl and to ease the gruff mans nerves, and Joel simply nods, but his eyebrows remain furrowed, forehead creased in slight worry.

Ellie removes the stick holding the gate shut, and pulls it open. "Good job." "Thank you," Ellie sighs matter of factly. Joel walks forward.

"C'mon you two, we're almost there."

Xen obeys Joel without protest, feeling a bit amiable for once.

______________________________

They're passing through a seemingly vacant warehouse. Joel's foot trips over a heavy chain. It wraps around his foot, and yanks him upside down. Ellie falls into the same trap, almost immediately being turned upside down as well.

Xen gasps, and hops over the remaining traps. They rock back and forth at a dizzying pace. She grabs Ellie, holding her still, until she stops wobbling, and her heart is racing vehemently at the sight of her allies turned upside down. She moves onto Joel. He grunts slightly, eyes squeezed shut as he trembles.

Her calloused hands grasp his broad shoulders, and she holds him tight. His eyes open, and dark, dusky swooping arcs bore into her, practically burning into her tan flesh.

"I've got you," she mutters as the dizzying movements come to a halt.

"Thanks," he rasps. "What just happened?" Ellie yells. "Another one of Bill's stupid traps," he growls, pulling out his pistol. "There—that fridge, looks like that's the counterweight."

Xen nods and runs forward, careful not to trip any more traps. A rope is tied to the fridge. Xen climbs on top of the grubby white refrigerator, unholstering her shiv. She carves through the thick rope, glancing over at Ellie and Joel routinely. She's quivering atop the fridge, her heart pounding erratically, like it's trying to claw its way out of her rib cage. 

She hears them, suddenly. Clickers.

"Joel.." she calls out flatly, her cutting seizing. "Shit, here they come," he hums, reloading his gun. He begins shooting clumsily through open windows and the empty doorframe. She hacks at the rope, skin burning and red against the material. Frightened eyes flicker back and forth between the rope, then to Ellie and Joel.

"Xen, hows it looking?" He shouts, firing bullets at clickers. "I'm going as fast as I can!" She yells back, vigorously chopping at the rope. A clicker grabs Joel, and Xen gasps, reaching for her own pistol and shooting the beast right in the back of its god forsaken head.

Joel glances at her, dark eyes fleeting as she stares back at him. Xen shivers, and refocuses her attention on the rope. "Anytime now, Xen," he calls out, and she groans. "Give me a minute!" She cuts the rope to the point that the fridge tumbles over. Joel lowers slightly.

"C'mon, you can do this." His voice is eerily calm, manages to ease the prickly, fiery feeling in her stomach. She goes back to cutting at the remaining strip of rope. He continues to aim down clickers, as they come too close to Ellie and Xen for his liking. She cuts through the rope, and Ellie and Joel fall to the ground.

Ellie moans weakly and lifts herself from the hard ground. Joel does the same, oblivious to the clicker lurching towards him. "Joel, watch out!" Xen yells, grabbing her gun and scrambling to reload it. The clicker snarls and bites at him, while he struggles to keep the monster at bay.

Xen reloads her gun and aims it, only to find a tall, bulky man in a gas mask, holding a large machete. The clickers head rolls off, into a dusty corner. She lets out a breath of relief and runs towards Ellie. "You good?" She asks, and Ellie nods promptly. "You?" Xen also nods.

"Keep up!" Joel yells. Ellie and Xen catch up, wondering who the sudden masked man is.

______________________________

"Man, that was close," Ellie pants as Joel and the masked man shut the heavy steel door. A clicker squawks on the other side. Xen kneels alongside her, struggling to catch her breath.

Halfway to 40. Age is catching up.

The masked man stalks towards them. "Uh, thanks for the heroics and all," Ellie says, laughing slightly. Xen offers her hand out politely. "Xen," she mutters, attempting to force a half smile, but her polite intentions don't meet her own lips.

He doesn't shake her hand, but pulls out a pair of handcuffs. Her foggy eyes widen. He clasps one side around her wrist and the other to a metal beam. "Joel!" She yells, and he suddenly lunges at him. "Bill, what are you doing!?"

"Let her go!" Ellie cries. "You two, turn around and get on your knees," he orders roughly. "Just calm down a second.." Joel begins, only to be brashly cut off by this man, Bill.

"Turn around and get on your knees!" He repeats, kneeing Joel in the back of the legs. Xen thrashes against her handcuffs as her heart beginning to thumps wildly, beating against her rib cage with stunning velocity.

"Take it easy," Joel says, his voice unwavering and calm. Ellie drops to her knees and places her hands on her head. She stares up at Xen pleadingly, as if her hands aren't cuffed to a pole. "You got any bites?" Bill barks, inspecting Joel's skin expertly, like he's done this before. Xen yanks at the pole wildly, and she notices that as she wrestles with increasing ferocity, it begins to unhinge from the wall.

"Anything sprouting?" Bill asks, only to be cut off by Joel. "No, God dammit! I'm clean!" Bill distances himself slightly. "Well, if I see so much as a twitch.." Xen lashes him in the side with the metal pole, interrupting his crazed rambling. She emits a gravelly moan.

"Son of a bitch!" Bill croaks, falling to the ground. Xen's fingers twitch with the irresistible need to maim, to ruin, to kill. Fury bubbles in her stomach like brew. She raises her arms and prepares to deliver another blow, but Joel's vast hands grab her firm arms. She wiggles against him, but Joel's so large, brimming with brute force and iron strength.

"Stop!" He yells, murky pupils driving straight through hers. He's got some magnetic hold over her, as she drops the pole, and gazes hazily up at him. Finds herself intrigued momentarily, longing to drink down his profound darkness, keep it all to herself.

She quickly snaps out of that trance, and finds herself hating him for stopping her.

"You done?" Joel asks, facing Bill. He scoffs. "Am I done? You come into my house, you set off all my traps, you break my shootin' arm...and who the fuck are these punks? And what the hell are they doing here?"

Xen lurches forward, unable to control herself. "We are none of your god damn business," she snarls. "And we're here because you owe Joel some favors, and you can start by taking these off!" She barks, showing her arm in his face. She can feel Joel's hand gripping her shoulder, rearing her backwards and away from Bill.

"I owe Joel some favors..is this some kind of joke?" He lashes, throwing his machete across the floor. "I'll cut to the chase: we need a car," Joel explains, stalking after his alleged friend. Bill laughs dryly and spins around. 

"Well, it is a joke. Joel needs a car.." he pants, beginning to sharpen one of his knives, seemingly out of impulse. "Even if had one that works, which I sure as hell don't, what makes you think I'd just give it to you?"

He begins to laugh again, shaking his head madly. "Yeah, sure, Joel. Go ahead, take my car. Take all my food too while you're at it!" Joel's jaw is clenched, his arms wrapped firmly over his chest. Xen wonders why he wouldn't just let her kill this pathetic waste of resources.

"By the looks of it you could lose some of that food," Ellie retorts, and Xen can't silence herself as she snorts loudly, clamping a hand over her mouth. Bill takes the machete and points it at Xen and Ellie, and they only inch closer. The blade is so close that Xen can feel the metallic taste on her tongue, the coolness of the metal on her skin. "You two listen to me, you little shits-," Xen is quick to argue.

"No, fuck you! You handcuffed me!" Joel's colossal hands drive the two back towards the wall. "I need you two to shut up." He growls, fingernails digging into Xen's scratchy, scarred skin. His eyes scan over her eyes, nose, mouth, chin. "Alright?" He breathes, his touch softening. Ellie emits a small grunt, and Xen turns away from him, facing the wall.

She feels small, incapable as she can't even manage to reign in her own temper. Fuck, Ellie can even manage her emotions better, and she's a fourteen year old girl, not a thirty six year old woman. She wonders how she ended up this way, peevish and depraved and volatile.

No use in thinking too much on it, she supposes.

Bill returns to his machete, sharpening it viciously at Joel walks back towards him. "Whatever favors you think I owe ya, it ain't worth that much." Joel scowls indignantly. "Actually, Bill, they are," he argues, tone gravelly and daunting. Bill drops his machete against the workbench. "Well it don't matter, because I don't have a car that works."

"But there is one in this town," Joel explains, only to be cut off by the brash man. "Parts. There are parts in this town," Bill clarifies sharply, and Joel nods. "Meaning that you could fix one up." Bill silently stares at Joel for a few moments, before haphazardly cleaning off his workbench. "Alright, if I'm gonna do this, there's some gear I'm gonna need."

Bill points to a spot on his map. "It's on the other side of town. Now, you help me go gather it, and maybe I can put something together that runs." Joel gazes down at the map, nodding. "But after this, I owe you nothing," Bill clarifies, placing the key to the handcuffs on the workbench. Joel shrugs. "Fine by me."

He takes Xen's wrists in his warm hands, glancing at her briefly as he unlocks the cuffs. She pulls away and immediately rubs at the reddened skin. "Good. Follow me. Whole god dammed town is booby trapped, best stay right on my ass," he warns, stomping off, clutching his machete. "Can't miss it," Ellie says beneath baited breath, and Xen gasps, nudging her in the side. Joel spins around, wearing a stern frown. "Knock it off, you two."

The slightest humorous glint shines in those dim eyes of his.


	5. godspeed

Joel pulls the heavy doors to Bill's underground armory open. Bill said they need to go there first, gather guns to fend off the infected in the other side of town. Apparently there's a lot of them, but Xen doesn't know if she can believe a word that lunatic says.

Bill leads them down the steps of the armory, but not without snipping at Ellie and Xen. "You two don't touch anything," he spits sternly, pointing towards the girls. Ellie rolls her eyes and Xen suppresses a groan.

"You—close the door!" He yells to Joel, who scoffs and pulls the heavy doors shut. Paranoid bastard. Bill lights a lantern, and Xen paces the room. "Alright. Lets gear up." Ellie goes to grab a gun, but Joel is quick to stop her.

"Uh-uh," he mutters, shaking his head like a father would to an infant. "What? I need a gun!" She exclaims, pulling away from his grasp. "No you don't," he declares firmly. Ellie shakes her head. "Joel, I can handle myself."

He glances over at Xen, who nods. She’s a smart girl. Who the hell says she can’t fire a gun? “She'll be fine," she chimes in, and Joel groans quietly. Seems like he'll be reasonable for once, until he shakes his head again. "No, just stay here."

Xen scoffs and follows after Bill and Joel, glancing sympathetically at Ellie, who stalks around in the center of the room. "Seriously?" She mutters behind the towering man, and he plainly ignores her. "Fine. Ill just wait around for you two to get me killed!" Ellie exclaims dramatically. Xen remembers when she was a girl. Ellie's easy compared to her at that age.

Very, very dramatic.

"This goes on record as the worst fucking job you've ever taken," Bill murmurs as he pulls out a shotgun. Joel laughs slightly. "It's up there." Xen rolls her eyes. "How the hell is Tess ok with this suicide mission?" He asks, and Xen's stomach turns as she remembers the woman's corpse. Joel purses his lips.

"Was actually her idea."

"Really? Well, then the broads not as smart as I thought she was," Bill remarks, chuckling gruffly. "Seriously, you gotta take these two back to where you found 'em," he says, glaring in Xen's direction. She wants to kill him.

"Bill, I can't just take them back," Joel explains in a hushed tone. "Then send 'em packing, let them find their own way." Joel sits down and Bill cleans off a bulky sub machine gun.

"Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, I had somebody that I cared about. It was a partner..somebody I had to look after." Bill drops the gun. "And in this world, that sort of shit's good for one thing: gettin' ya killed."

He picks up his shotgun from the other workbench. "So, you know what I did? I wisened the fuck up. I realized it's gotta be just me." Joel sighs and shakes his head, staring down at his own boots. "Bill..it ain't like that."

Bill scoffs. "Bullshit. It is just like that."

Joel looks slightly somber, angry as he sits on the workbench. Xen watches him silently from her corner of the room. Wants to shoot Bill with one of his own guns, or just throw him out to the clickers. "Hey! What did I say to you when we walked down the steps? What did I say to you!?" Bills facing Ellie now, yelling frantically like the crazy ass bitch he is.

Ellie grunts. "I'm just fixing your stupid pile!" She yells back, moving away from the table. "Don't touch!" Bill roars, like he's speaking to a dog and not a fourteen year old girl.

"Hey, calm the fuck down," Xen spits from her side of the corner, scowling at Bill. Ellie gives him a challenging look and flicks him off. "God dammit..." Joel murmurs, rubbing his scruffy chin. "You keep babysitting long enough, and eventually it's gonna blow up in your face."

Xen's fingers twitch. Wants to grab her pistol and lodge a bullet between his demented eyes. But that'd piss Joel off pretty bad, and they wouldn't have a car, so she restrains herself.

"Bill, can we please just get on with it?" Joel growls, sliding off of the workbench. Bill says nothing, and tosses Joel a shotgun. Xen picks up a machine gun, and Bill starts up again.

"I did not say you could take that, you little brat!" He yells, stalking over to her. She scrunches her nose up in disgust. "I'm not a little brat, I'm a grown woman." Bill scoffs and reaches out to grab the gun, but Joel shouts at a thundering volume. "Bill, just lay off!"

Bill clenches his jaw, glowers at Joel, before sulking off with his shotgun. Xen sighs and grips her gun fixedly. 

She joins Ellie, but not without stealing a few cases of ammo.

________________________________

Bill slams the door to some abandoned building they find themselves in. So much blood covers Xen. On her skin, soaking in her clothes, caking her hair. She forgets which splotchy stains are her own. The car Bill led them to was empty, no engine or anything beneath the hood. Xen is fuming, and so is Joel.

She paces the room madly, while Ellie stands still by the door. "So, that worked out well," she jokes, witty per usual as she tries to break the thick tension. But Joel simply cuts his eyes at her. She winces slightly, and nods.

"Ok, ah..I'll go check out this side of the house," she announces, scrambling off into the another room. Xen turns and faces Bill. "Bill?" Joel asks, looking for some type of explanation. "Somebody had the same idea, stole my shit."

"Well then what the hell is plan B?" Joel asks, placing his sweeping hands on his hips. "You oughta be thankful you're still drawing breath!" Bill shouts, chest heaving as he turns away from Joel. "That was plan A, B, C, all the way to fuckin' Z, and furthermore, tell Tess that she can take this job—" Joel cuts him off.

"Don't you bring up Tess!" He roars. "Shove it right up your ass!" Bill retorts, and Joel begins to argue back, until Bill looks over his shoulder, a vacant glare in his eyes.

Joel turns, and almost gasps. "Jesus.." he whispers, glancing at the hung body, than back to Bill, who looks absolutely crushed, his smug grubby smile replaced with a sorrowful frown.

"What? You know this guy or something?" Joel asks, returning his gaze to the corpse. "Frank." That's all Bill says. Xen looks on, swallowing a gag as the body dangles from the ceiling, bruised and oozing with blood. 

Joel raises his arms. "Who the hell's Frank?"

Bill stands still, fists clenching snd unclenching. His lips are pursed grimly, and Xen swears she sees a veil of tears drawn over his eyes. "That was my partner."

Joel's mouth falls slightly agape. For once, Xen doesn't want to murder Bill, but pities him slightly. He pulls out his grand machete. "He's the only idiot that would wear a shirt like that," he mutters, stepping towards the body.

He chops the rope quickly, and the body smacks the floor with a thud. Joel jumps back slightly, skin ghastly and coated in a thin layer of sweat. She's never seen him like this, so human, vulnerable and disgusted with what he's seen, ridded of his hardened glare. Bill glances down at the body, grimacing as he swallows a cry. "He's got bites.."

Xen can hear him sniffle.

"I reckon he didn't want to turn, so he.." Joel trails off, and knows that Bill understands. "Yeah, I guess not," he croaks. Joel turns and peeks at Xen, stealing glances like he's done something wrong. She has a hand clamped over her mouth, gazing at the corpse.

Bill collects himself, tenses his shoulders back up and wipes his face. "Well fuck him." Joel sighs, and wants to interject, until they hear the sound of a car starting up.

They turn, looking out of the empty doorway. Ellie sits in a pickup truck, trying to start the engine up. The three run outside. "Look what I found. It's got some juice in it," she says, wearing a gratified smirk. Bill walks to the front of the truck, eyes widening slightly.

"It's got my battery," he mutters incredulously, shaking his head. "That fuckin' asshole." 

He slams the hood of the truck shut. Xen stands by the drivers side, where Ellie remains as she tries to get the car moving. "Get out," Bill says, crossing around the car. Ellie doesn't move, staring at him in confusion. "Get out."

"Ok, jeez.." she murmurs, sliding out of the seat and onto the wet grass. She stands alongside Xen. "Good job," she whispers, and a smile creeps across Ellie's face. Bill tries to start the car, rubbing his forehead when it doesn't run. "Battery's drained, but the cells are alive." "Meaning?" Joel asks impatiently.

"Meaning we push it, get it started and the alternator will recharge the battery," he explains, hopping out of the vehicle. Joel chuckles coldly. "Is that your guess?"

"Look, you wanted a plan B. This is as good as it gets," he warns, backing away from Joel, and marching back into the house. "What're you thinking?" Ellie asks, staring at Joel expectedly. "Thinkin' you drive, and we push," Joel reveals, nodding towards the truck, then towards Xen. She quirks an eyebrow.

"Why wouldn't I drive?" She asks, crossing her arms securely around herself. "We need your muscle. You're strong. Ellie... not as much." Ellie scoffs in return and Xen shrugs, nodding her head. "Okay."

Bill comes back out. Joel tells him the plan. For once, he doesn't argue, and simply obliges. "Ok, we ready to go?" He asks. Joel shakes his head. "Give me a minute." 

He approaches Xen who leans against the drivers side door. Joel looks slightly weary. Ellie is in the car, observing them through the smashed window. "You gonna be ok with this?"

Xen nods. "Yeah, not a problem," she mutters nonchalantly, in spite of her own heart palpitating in her chest as Joel leans against the chipped exterior of the truck. He opens his mouth, hesitant as he forms words. Xen raises an eyebrow. "You're doin' a good job," he says softly, wearing a lob sided smile. It's an attempt at gentility, and Xen can appreciate it.

"Thanks." Is all she chokes out. 

Joel's glance lingers on her, before he tears himself away, and turns towards Ellie, who wears a tiny smirk as she eyes Xen and him. "You're doing good too, Ellie," he murmurs, patting her arm. "I know I am."

Joel rolls his eyes, and returns to Bill. 

"Let's go."


	6. new dawn fades

"Just keep your foot on the clutch and when we get to roll-," Bill begins, but Ellie quickly interjects. "I know how to pop a clutch!" She yells back, and Xen rolls her eyes at Bills constant nagging. He never knows when to shut up, an incessant voice always nibbling at her sanity. They start pushing the car. "How the hell do you-? You know what, I don't care, just don't fuck it up."

Xen's muscles burn as she puts all her weight into the collective effort. Joel marches alongside her, grunting quietly at the daunting amount of weight. "Alright, Ellie, get ready," he calls out, continuing to push the truck out of the garage. Once they reach the gravel path, Joel yells again. "Now, now hit it! Hit it!"

The car starts up, but quickly flickers off and on as she rolls out into the vacant street. "Damn," Xen grunts, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. Bill scoffs. "Perfect! Good job kid," he shouts condescendingly, and Xen kicks him in the shin. "Bill, not helpin'," Joel murmurs. "Ellie—we're gonna give it another go. Stay focused!" He yells out. Ellie gives him a thumbs up through the open window. 

"Jesus..just keep turning right! Lets get to the hill at the end of the street," Bill instructs, putting his weight back into the pushing the truck. The three start again, whining and groaning quietly. "Look, if we just make it to the hill, we just get it over the edge.."

"To your left!" Ellie screams, and they all stop pushing. A clicker is running towards Joel, but he's nimble as he pulls out his shotgun and shoots down the creature. "Oh shit," Joel grumbles as more clickers approach. Xen retrieves her machine gun off her back and rapidly fires at the incoming infected.

Bodies fall, and luckily, no more come.

"Alright, we're good. Back to the truck," Bill says. Xen takes a deep breath and braces her shaky palms against the chipping exterior. "Keep pushing, keep pushing," Bill mumbles to himself as they slowly thrust the truck down the road. "You have really fucked my day up Joel—you know that?" Before Joel can bite back, more Clickers come swarming in.

"Fuck," Xen whispers, shakily aiming down a clicker too close by for her liking. The gunfire ricochets in her ears, and recesses of her mind. But she likes it, like the metallic taste of blood as she bites down on her tongue, likes the gushing sound flesh makes as she plunges her knife into countless throats.

She should feel worried, but she's been shitty for a very long time. Doesn't see the use in fretting over it now.

"We gotta break. Get 'er to the hill."

They rally around the truck once again, and shove into it. It begins to descend down the steep, winding road, and an inkling of fear begins to blossom in Xen's stomach. 

"Start it up, Ellie!"

The car turns on, turns off again, but it zooms down the steep road. The three run to catch up. Ellie starts it up again, and the god forsaken truck finally runs steadily. Joel laughs breathlessly. "You hear that sound, Bill?" "Yeah, well that means the fuckin' infected hear it too, so let's get in the fucking truck."

Ellie manages to brake, and they sprint forward towards the vehicle. They hop in the flatbed of the truck, and Ellie floors it. Xen is breathless but there's no time to breathe as she observes the clickers growing distant.

And the vehicle is surprisingly fast.

She huffs and leans back against the window. Joel's squeezed between her and Bill. His shoulder is firm, almost stony against hers. He's quite warm, too.

_______________________________

It's been about ten minutes of driving, when Bill hits the side of the truck. "That'll do! Stop!"

Ellie brakes, and Joel looks at her through the open window in the back. "Just keep it runnin', alright?" She nods and flashes a thumbs up. Xen sits motionless in the back as Joel and Bill climb out. Her mind is comfortably numb and her body aches dimly. "That girl nearly got us killed," he rasps, and Xen rolls her eyes. "You gotta admit, she did hold her own back there," Joel says, eying Xen briefly, then Ellie.

Bill laughs breathlessly. "You ain't gonna make it." Joel simply watches as he walks off. "Oh," he mutters, dropping his bag and retrieving something that Xen can't see. Tosses it to Joel, who catches the object effortlessly.

"You'd be amazed at how many cars still got gas in 'em." Joel curtly nods. "Appreciate it." He steps closer towards Bill, looking slightly solemn. "Look, Bill, uh.. about your buddy back there..." he trails off, itching the back of his neck. "That's a tough deal."

Bill looks over his shoulder, huffing dryly. "We square?" He asks. Joel nods. "We're square."

"Well then, get the fuck outta my town."

Joel purses his lips, and nods again, trailing off towards the car. Xen jumps out of the back, eying Joel suspiciously. "Everything good?" She asks. "Yep. Lets get outta here." 

Him and Ellie trade places. She slips into the backseat to sleep, and Xen slouches over in the passenger seat. Joel starts the truck, and Xen rests her head against the cool glass window. Joel glances at her fleetingly, then stares ahead at the road. Driving in a car is about the most mundane thing she's done in 20 years, but she's too worn down to truly appreciate the simplicity of the evening.

She gazes at him shamelessly this one night, pondering whether he'll commit some brutish fuckery tomorrow, or carry himself as tenderly as a bitter man like him possibly can, until she falls asleep.

________________________________

Xen awakens, and rain patters softly against the truck. Her mind is still foggy from the fathomless rest she fell into, a stinging sensation in her own dark eyes. She groans something unintelligible, and slowly sits up, glancing at Joel. He's nearly fallen asleep at the wheel, chin perched atop his massive hand and his eyes narrow slits. "Hey," she mutters, elbowing him gently. He grunts and wakes up.

"Oh man!" Ellie exclaims from the backseat, lurching upwards. Xen turns and meets her wild green pupils, shifting and turning with curiosity. "Hey, what happened to sleeping?" Joel asks, narrowing his eyes at Xen, who shrugs. Ellie practically ignores his question.

"Ok, I know it doesn't look like it, but this here, is not a bad read," she declares, holding up one of her comic books. The pages are grubby and bent but intact. "Only one problem," she begins, flipping to the last page.

"Right there, 'to be continued.'" "I hate cliffhangers," she whispers, shaking her head. Joel glances at her skeptically. "Where'd you get that?" He hums, and she smiles sheepishly.

"Uh..back at Bill's. I mean, all his stuff was just lying there," she explains, shrugging. Xen laughs spitefully, and digs into her backpack, retrieving four cases of ammo. Ellie doubles over in laughter, and Joel tries to look forbidding, but a quaint smirk creeps across his face.

"What else did you two get?" He asks, and Xen puts her hands up defensively. "That was all!" She swears, but Joel glares at her and simply shakes his head, feigning disapproval. It's a rarity, the strange gentility and slight ease he harbors. Xen likes it. Ellie digs through her bag, retrieving a 50's Doo-Wop cassette tape.

"This make you all nostalgic?" She asks, handing it to Joel. He hums. "Y'know, that is actually before my time," he clarifies, and Xen snorts quietly. He examines the cassette tape, and puts it in the cassette deck.

"It is a winner though."

Joel perches his chin on his heel and returns his attention the the road. "Oh man.." Ellie whispers begrudgingly. "Well, better than nothing." She turns and delves into her bag once again, pulling out some crumpled gay porn magazine. "Oh, I'm sure your friend will be missing this tonight," she remarks, clicking her tongue. Xen hunches over, laughing uncontrollably. She hasn't felt such unadulterated joy in years, and it's so silly to be doubled over in laughter, considering her circumstances. Maybe it's needed though, a saving grace of her dwindling sanity. Joel simply shakes his head and turns towards Ellie.

"Light on the reading, but it's got some interesting photos," she says, flipping through the pages. "Now Ellie, that ain't for kids," Joel begins nervously, glancing back and forth between the magazine and the road. Xen is practically crying at this point, howling with laughter. Ellie swallows a cackle.

"Whoa! How the hell would he even walk around with that thing?" She exclaims, ogling at a specifically explicit photo. She begins to shove it towards Joel and he scrunches up his nose in disgust. "Now you get rid of that—," he begins, reaching into the backseat. She dodges him. "Hold your horses, I wanna see what all the fuss is about!" Joel sighs and looks at Xen, who has a hand muffled over her mouth. 

"Seriously? You're old as hell, why're you laughin'?" He asks disapprovingly. Xen swats at his arm. "I know you wanna laugh, you old prude," she retorts, snorting as she continues to giggle. "Oh, why are these all stuck together?" Ellie asks, seemingly oblivious as she flips through the pages. Xen is hunched over, clutching her stomach and shaking with laughter. Joel frowns. "Um.."

"I'm just fucking with you!" Ellie exclaims, breaking out into a fit of giggles. She balls up the magazine and tosses it out of the window. Xen calms down, wiping her eyes and smiling to herself, while Ellie fidgets in the backseat.

The silence seems to phase her.

"You know what," she begins, leaning over the center console. "This isn't so bad." Her nimble fingers dial the volume knob, and the doo-wop plays louder. Joel turns and looks at her as she slides back into her seat. "Why don't you try and get some sleep, alright? Same goes for you Xen." "Pft, I'm not even tired," Ellie claims, lying back down across the seats.

But Xen sees the bags under her doe eyes.

"Yes you are. C'mon, you won't miss out on anything," Xen argues, leaning back and patting the girls knee. She's found herself softening, becoming less aloof and brutal with the girl, and she knows that it will be her downfall. Ellie sighs, smiling contently and shutting her eyes. "I hate that you know me," she says, before slowly dozing off like a baby. Xen forces a half smile, and kicks her feet up onto the dashboard.

She cocks her head to the side, gazing at Joel as he drives through the rain. He looks softer, slightly relaxed, as relaxed as a person can be in an apocalyptic wasteland. "You're kind of tolerable when you're not being a dick," Xen admits, pulling off her sweatshirt and using it as a headrest. He laughs darkly.

"Am I really now? You ain’t too bad yourself, when you aren’t tryin’ to kill someone," he retorts, and she shrugs her shoulders. She sees how his eyes flicker to her bite mark every couple seconds. She wishes she could say he's scared of her, but she cannot see behind his callous, unforgiving eyes, the deep, wrinkled lines etched beside his mouth, the faintest crowfeet along his eyes. All cold iron that Xen can't begin to truly look past.

"I've got anger issues," she admits, clasping her hands over her stomach. "Yep. You and Ellie are two peas in a pod." She snorts and shakes her head. "You've got some too, definitely not as bad as me though." He nods admittedly.

"You're right about that."

She curls her knees inward and turns more towards Joel. Fluffs her makeshift pillow, and shuts her eyes. "Let me know if you need me to drive soon," she murmurs drowsily. "Sure thing." A few minutes pass. Visions of slaughter and life before flash quietly in her mind, and she soon falls asleep.

She snores loud, practically roaring in her sleep. Joel stifles a laugh as his dusky eyes trace over her. Her sweatshirt begins to crumple out from beneath her.

He steers with one hand, and uses the other to shove the garment back beneath her head. His fingers graze her hair. It's fluffy like cotton, huge curly strands. He withdraws his arm, and tries to focus on the road ahead.


	7. come together

She dreams of her son.

His feeble little body, transforming into a monstrous, towering bloater. Despite his violence, his sudden savagery, she still tries to console him, tries to calm him down, because he's her son. She's his mother. But he's reckless, destroying everything around him in an attempt to kill his own predecessor. 

Her fingers tremble around the revolver, sobbing and gasping as she raises the gun and shoots him. Her own kin. He falls, and is small, gentle once again, as he bleeds out.

She lurches forward, gasping for air, feeling tears dribble hotly down her skin. Strangled sobs leave her throat. She's clawing at her own skin, unable to process anything around her.

"Xen!" Joel stops the car, large hands wrestling her back into her seat. She's in a blind storm of panic, kicking and wrangling away from him. "Xen, sit still," he grumbles, pinning her against the seat. She thrashes and wiggles against him, until she opens her eyes, and realizes that she's in the car.

Her ears are ringing and black edges her vision. Her dark eyes shift and twitch as she gazes at him in disbelief. It felt so real, not a nightmare but tangible and just as personal as her own flesh. She's still straddling the thin line, drawn between reality and the conjured visions of her past.

She goes limp, and Joel's hands tremor slightly against her. Ellie somehow sleeps through the commotion. "Oh god," she whispers, shame bubbling in the pit of her stomach and consuming her. "Jesus," she croaks, hunching over and clasping her hands over her face. Joel releases her and sits back, catching his breath. She sniffles and tries to collect herself, but she's so ashamed, so doomed by him seeing her walls crumble into ash, and unfamiliar fear and vulnerability shine through.

"Just breathe," Joel murmurs. Xen's not sure whether he's speaking to her or himself.

She sits up, shutting her eyes as she lies back in the seat. She doesn't want to look at him, afraid of the cowardly way he'll see her. She wants to kill him now, wipe the memory of herself from his decrepit dusty mind. "Fuck," she mumbles, clumsily wiping her cheeks. 

Joel is careful as he starts driving again, eyes frantically flickering towards her. She turns over, facing the window, and crying quietly. He can hear her, and he is unsure of how to console her. So he lets her cry, and pretends he doesn't hear her, for her own sake.

"Oh shit," he mutters soon after, and Xen peeks out of the window. A traffic jam of abandoned cars block the road they're supposed to take. "What're we gonna do now?" She asks, voice scratched raw from screaming. He narrows his eyes, looking lost for a moment. "Screw it," he murmurs, turning onto another road. Xen looks over her shoulder, eyes falling upon Ellie. She's woken up quietly, hazily staring out of her window at the cities ruins. Xen turns back around, resting her head against her own window.

The sun is especially ablaze. She squints and covers her face with her hands. Joel still gazes at her in a worrisome, slightly fearful way, and she hates him for it. Her fingers brush over her own bite mark, and she nestles closer towards the door of the car.

She's as calm as she can be right now, until Joel slams down on the brakes. She lurches forward, catching herself against the dashboard. "Easy!" Ellie whines, rubbing her neck. "Please, help!" A man yells, stumbling towards the car. "Holy shit," Ellie murmurs, straightening up. Xen eyes him closely, and she can immediately tell he's not truly injured, in the way his steps are so nuanced, so trained, his arm so clutched onto his own stomach, like he’s done this before.

"Are we gonna help him?" Xen doesn't answer, glances at Joel, who glares harshly at the man. "Put your seatbelts on," he orders. Xen easily listens to him, because he's right this time.

Ellie surprisingly agrees, but not without question. "What about the guy?" She asks, and Xen shakes her head. "Oh, he's not even hurt," Joel snarls, slamming down on the accelerator.

"Oh fuck! Go go go!" The man yells, suddenly standing up straight and pulling out a pistol. He aims it square in Xen's face, but Joel is quick to swerve the car around. She turns around, making sure Ellie has ducked down, before she does the same. She can't see, but hears as the men chuck rocks and bricks at the car. The windshield shatters harshly.

It seems like they're in the clear, until Xen looks up and sees a large bus, charging right at them. She doesn't even have time to scream as it slams into her side of the car, sending them flying, bumping other cars, racing through a garage, and hitting a brick wall.

Everything is dark.

_______________________________

Xen awakens, coughing and sputtering. The urge to fade back into slumber is overwhelming, but she hears voices, unstable and indistinguishable. She would lie there and let herself succumb to unconsciousness, but footfalls come closer. She turns over, taut limbs aching harshly. She hisses quietly, and her eyes fall to Joel, who lies unconscious. 

She shakes him desperately, his strong shoulder hitting the car door. Her force is enough to awaken him. "Fuck," he grunts, rubbing at his neck. "I'm ok," Ellie pants, and Xen immediately turns to assess her injuries. Just a few scratches and bruises, it seems.

"We gotta get out of here, now," Joel grunts, opening his door. Xen swiftly unbuckles and opens her door, met by the menacing glare of a hunter. She gasps and immediately kicks at his chest. But he grabs her. She’s bucking wildly against him. Joel desperately grabs at her arms, but the man pulling her is stronger, it seems, as he fully yanks her from the car. Joel grabs her foot, tugging mercilessly, but the man gets away, Xen flailing and kicking against him. She's almost there, almost strong enough to wield out of his grip, but he's stronger.

Ellie ducks low in the backseat, and a man yanks Joel. "Joel!" Xen shouts, watching him from the corner of her eye as the stranger smashes his head through a window. Her heart nearly stops beating, as she fears the worst, but Joel is quick to resist as the man tries to force his throat against the broken shards of glass.

A bullet is suddenly lodged in the strangers skull. Ellie holds a gun fiercely, small hands trembling. Xen bites the man holding her, teeth sinking into his musky flesh, and she can taste his blood, metallic on her tongue. He groans and backhands her across the face, sends her flying to the ground. A weak groan crawls from the depths of her throat.

"I'll show you," Joel snarls, running up and smashing the mans face in with his boot. He grabs him by the scruff of his neck and repeatedly smashes his head into a concrete slab, before dropping him against the floor. Blood drips against Xen's boots.

"Motherfucker," She gasps, struggling to catch her breath as she unholsters her revolver. Ellie is by her, nimble hands placed protectively on her back. "Come on," Joel rasps, yanking the two by their arms. "What is wrong with these guys?" Ellie asks over Xen's helpless sputtering. Joel lets go of her, and she hunches over, desperately trying to breathe.

"Catch your breath, we're leavin'" he says, tossing Xen's bag towards her. She catches it, stumbling back slightly. Ellie grabs hers and briskly throws it on. Xen looks up finally, and her catch sight of a man approaching head on, aiming his gun.

Her eyes widen like saucers and her heart won't stop hammering against her ribcage.

"Watch out!" She yells, tackling Joel and Ellie to the ground. The bullet flies through the car window, tiny shards of glass sprinkling into Xen's thick curls like perverted, minuscule snow flakes. Joel crawls behind a dumpster, breathlessly reloading his shotgun. Xen grabs her machine gun, which slid under the car. She crouches and aims down the man shooting at them, sending bullets ripping through his face and chest. Finds the sight of his bloodied body delightful as he crumples to the cement floor.

"Stay down," she mutters to Ellie, who grips her pistol securely. Gunpowder and carnage cloak the atmosphere as the three fire incessantly at incoming men. The threat of another human is just as imminent as that of the infected, if not worse.

Humans are calculated, driven by hate and bloodthirst. The infected, they have no motives, as their minds have rotted into mush. They just want flesh. Humans want so much more. She glances at Ellie every so often, then Joel, making sure they haven't ended up on the ground with a bullet between their eyes.

Xen peeks over the truck, spotting two more men shooting from the overturned bus. She aims them down, but before she can unleash a fury of bullets, Ellie shoots them dead, doe like eyes swimming in an ocean of adrenaline.

"Good shot," Xen yells over the gunfire, and Ellie offers a silent thumbs up. Joel stares at her, worry and disgust washing over his face. Xen knits her eyebrows together, confused at his sudden disdain, and he catches her.

"Focus, Xen."

________________________________

They've ransacked the city. Gone through abandoned stores, houses, apartments. Walked through murky swamps and sewers. Scaled decayed, yellowing towers. Somehow they've even survived Ellie's intolerable puns.

They're scaling an apartment building, inching towards an open window. Ellie's cursing beneath baited breath, her steps slow and calculated. "Scared of heights? Still?" Xen asks breathlessly. "I'll push you off," Ellie retorts in a low growl, and Xen chuckles quietly.

Joel is the first to reach the apartment window. He hops inside, surveying the room, before poking his head out of the window, and offering his hand out to Ellie. She gets ready to climb in, but Joel is suddenly pulled into a chokehold by a stranger. "Shit," Ellie gasps, clambering through the window. Xen follows after her clumsily. Ellie's already running at the attacker, plunges a shiv into his dark flesh. He backhands her and she hits the floor.

"What the fuck.." he breathes. Joel smashes the mans head into the wall behind them and throws him over his broad shoulder. He begins punching him mercilessly, iron fists brutal against the mans stomach. Soft footfalls sound and Xen turns, seeing a boy, about Ellies age, looking ire and frantic as he aims a gun at Joel. "Joel, stop," Xen growls, tugging at the collar of his flannel. He's ruthless and keeps punching.

Reminds Xen of her own depravity.

"Joel!" She yells sharply, and he finally turns. "Look," Ellie murmurs, pointing towards the boy with the pistol. Joel suddenly backs up, slowly rising from the grubby floor with his hands up. "Leave him alone," the boy orders shakily. "Easy, son. Just take it easy," Joel mutters, backing against the wall.

"It's alright, they're not the bad guys," the man, the man Joel has just beaten, says calmly, motioning for the boy to lower the gun. The boy hesitantly obeys. The man sits up, coughing quietly. "Man, you hit hard," he rasps, looking down at his bruised torso.

"Yeah, well, I was tryin' to kill you," Joel explains plainly. The man stands up, wincing in pain. "Yeah, I thought you were one of them too," he says. He then points to Xen and Ellie. "Then I saw you two. If you haven't noticed, they don't keep kids or women around."

Xen nods in acknowledgement.

"Survival of the fittest," he hisses, rubbing at his arm in agony. "You're bleeding!" The younger boy exclaims, brown pupils swimming in an ocean of dread. The man shakes his head. "It's nothing," he sighs, taking the pistol from the boy. He then turns back to Ellie, Xen, and Joel. "I'm Henry, this is Sam," he says, pointing to the boy, Sam. Henry takes a rag out of Sams backpack. "I think I caught your name as Joel?" He asks, glancing at the towering man.

He nods.

Ellie introduces herself briefly, and so does Xen.

"How many are with you?" Joel asks. "They're all dead," Sam deadpans grimly. Henry shakes his head. "We don't know that." He wraps his arm and glances at Joel. "There were a bunch of us. Then someone had the brilliant idea of entering the city, look for supplies. Those fuckers, they ambushed us," he explains, releasing his arm once it's wrapped.

"Scattered us. Now it's all about getting out of this shithole." 

"We can help eachother," Ellie suggests, and Joel extends his arm out, lightly pushing her back. "Ellie.." he warns gruffly. "What? Safety in numbers and all that." "It's true. We could be useful to eachother," Xen agrees. Joel glares at them sternly. "She's right," Henry says, nodding his head. "We could help eachother. Got a hideout not too far from here. Be safer if we chat there," he explains.

Joel's dim eyes crinkle in suspicion, he glances fleetingly at Ellie, then Xen. She leers at him sharply, and he sighs. "Alright—take us there."

Henry opens the door leading out of the room. Sam and Ellie walk alongside eachother, while Xen hovers behind the new allies. "Sorry about the whole gun thing.." Sam murmurs sheepishly to Ellie. She waves him off. "Don't worry. I would've done the same thing. Where you from?" "All the way from Hartford."

Ellie quirks an eyebrow. "Really? I heard some bad stuff was going on down there," she inquires, shaking her head. He nods. "Yeah, the military abandoned the zone. It's why we left. Place probably looks like this by now," he explains, motioning towards the mucky, vacant apartment they walk through.

Joel looks around the place before they leave. His heavy boots clunk against the steps as they descend towards the exit of the complex. Him and Henry walk beside eachother.

"So, is it just you, your wife, and daughter?" He asks, and Xen laughs, Ellie too. Joel stammers momentarily, panic evident as he frowns. "We're not related. We're more like...um..."

"I promised someone I'd look after them," Joel says finally. Henry nods. "Yeah, I can appreciate that."

Xen hopes no one calls them a family, never again.


	8. there will be blood

They arrive to the safe house Henry speaks of. It's an abandoned office building. Henry opens the door to the idle room. "Welcome to my office," he jokes, out stretching his arms. Xen snorts, eying the broken windows and overturned desk. "How long have you guys been holed up in here?" Ellie asks, wandering around the small space. "Few days. We found a bit of food though. Here," he says, motioning Ellie over to a corner of the room.

Xen feels slightly relived that Ellie is spending time with a person her age. Wasting all her time away with two short tempered, violent savages probably isn't the best for her development. She turns her back towards the pair, facing Joel and Henry.

But maybe she shouldn't care so much

"Blueberries. Found a whole stash of 'em. You want some?" He asks, and Xen declines politely. "No," Joel grunts plainly, and Xen furrows her eyebrows. "Relax," she murmurs sternly. "We're safe here," Henry assures.

Joel isn't an easy man to convince though, especially not of his own safety.

"So why haven't you left?"

Henry shrugs. "Been waiting for the right opportunity." Xen wanders off, pacing the room, still within earshot of the two men. "And?" Joel snips. Henry nods towards the window. "Here, check this out ." Xen crosses her arms over her chest and follows after them.

Groups of the same men that attacked Joel, Ellie, and Xen patrol the ground below, the sun illuminating their feculent beings. Xen scoffs. Joel narrows his eyes skeptically. "Look at these sons of bitches. Everyday, they congregate down there, guarding that same bridge," Henry explains, tone dripping with repugnance. Xen doesn't blame him. They're a scurvy bunch. "Come nighttime, it's down to a skeleton crew. After sunset, that's our window. With most of them gone, sneak right past 'em."

Joel nods curtly. "That could work." "Oh, it'll work. It'll definitely work," Henry assures, tipping his head back. Xen turns around, glancing at Ellie and Sam. They're on the couch, chatting and eating and laughing.

Makes Xen feel an oddly warm, gooey sensation in her own vacant heart. She shivers quietly. It's good for Ellie to have some normalcy, she supposes, time where she's not running from clickers or shooting down men.

"Wow," Henry mutters, laughing gently. Joel watches adamantly. Something resembling joy twinkles in those vain eyes of his. "It's been awhile since that boy even cracked a smile. She doesn't seem bothered by all this," he observes. "We should keep it that way," Xen murmurs.

Joel's fulfilled gaze cracks, and he looks down forcefully. "So, where were you headin'?" He asks, beginning to pace the room. He grabs an office chair. Henry does too. They sit down, like they're discussing business. Xen chuckles beneath her breath and walks off towards the window, letting the sun bathe her.

"Heard the Fireflies were based out west somewhere. We're gonna join up with them."

Xen winces, knowing Joel can't resist the urge to say some condescending shit. "Yeah.." he grumbles passively, and Xen rolls her eyes. "Something funny?" Henry asks, clasping his hands over his legs. "Just seems like a lot of people are putting their stock on the fireflies these days," he huffs. Henry shrugs. "Yeah, maybe there's a reason for that."

Joel quirks an eyebrow. "So you don't know where they are, and you're just gonna drag him across the country to find 'em?" He cocks his head towards Sam, who continues to chat and giggle with Ellie. Henry purses his lips and scoots in closer towards Joel. "Tell you what, how about I worry about my brother and you worry about your girls?" He growls.

His girl. Xen crinkles her nose in disgust at such a condescending title.

Joel nods. "Easy. We're lookin' for the fireflies too."

Henry chuckles and leans back, looking hesitant for a few moments, until he turns and grabs a map. "This is us." He points to a dot on the haphazard map. "There's an abandoned military radio station, just outside the city." 

"Any survivors from our group, they're supposed to meet us there tomorrow. You and your girls wanna join us, it goes down tonight." Joel leans back, letting out a breath. "Guess it's best we rest up then," he suggests. Henry nods, and begins spinning around in his chair.

Xen plops down against the dusty floor, pulling off her sweatshirt and placing it beneath her back. She grabs her backpack and shoves it under her head. Her body is tense and sore, so many open wounds and bruises. She doesn't even realize how tired she is until she leans back. "Xen, take my spot," Joel offers, well, more like orders. She shakes her head.

"M' fine here."

He eyes her grimly as he sits carefully in his chair, leaning his head back and clasping his hands over his stomach. He almost mirrors Xen's position. She glances over at Ellie and Sam, who sit back on the couch. 

"You two try and get some sleep," Xen says, and they nod. Probably aren't even listening, but she shifts her attention towards Joel. His eyes are wide open. "You should probably get some rest too," she suggests.

Joel says nothing, but smirks faintly, and shuts his eyes.

Xen turns over, her back warm in the sun as her thoughts and memories fade to dust.

________________________________

She awakens violently.

Doesn't scream and kick and tear her own skin off, but comes back with a soft gasp, her body drenched in sweat. Ellie sits in front of her, frowning. "You had a nightmare?"

Xen just nods.

"They suck," she mutters, clicking her tongue. Reminds Xen of the first night they spent together, how Joel muttered and choked and gasped in his sleep, how Ellie was the one to comment on it. Xen can't resent her for it as she remembers how curious she had been as a girl. "It's fine. What's happening?"

"Henry says it's time to go. I've gotta wake Joel up," she explains, grimacing slightly. Xen chuckles. "Good luck." Ellie rolls her eyes and stands up, dusting off the back of her jeans. Xen scoops up her things and follows.

Joel isn't murmuring incessantly for once. Sleeps like a baby, a minuscule smile tugging at his lips. He looks normal, not brutal and spilling with force. "Doesn't look like such an asshole when he's sleeping," Xen whispers, and Ellie lets out a laugh. "Yep. Too late now."

She hesitantly extends her small hand forward, patting Joel's chest. "Joel," she says loudly. Thankfully, he wakes up suddenly, glancing at her blankly for a moment. "He says it's time to go," Ellie says, cocking her head towards Henry. Joel nods, and slowly stands up.

Henry stands before Sam, brawny hands gripping the boys shoulders. "Now, we're gonna be movin' fast, ok? So no matter what, you stick to me like glue." "Like glue," Sam agrees. "Like glue," Henry repeats again, poking his chest with his pointer finger.

Henry removes his hands from his brothers shoulders and turns back towards Xen, Ellie, and Joel. "Alright, y'all ready?" Henry asks, rubbing his hands together manically. Joel nods. "Yeah." "Okay."

They exit the dingy office. "Y'all stay close, okay?" Henry asks. "Sure thing," Xen murmurs, fidgeting with her flashlight as it flickers incessantly. Joel glances at her momentarily, before suddenly taking the device out of her hands. "Hey!" She hisses, reaching to snatch it back, but Joel towers over her like a giant. He smacks the flashlight against his other hand violently.

"You're gonna break that," she murmurs, trying to keep up with the group as she glares at him. Ellie stares back at them and shakes her head. He assaults the device a couple more times, before it turns on, its glow stable.

Well, look at that.

Xen raises an eyebrow, harshly taking the flashlight. Joel beams smugly. "You were right, for once," she mutters, shaking her head. He rolls his eyes and continues walking. "You tried this before?" He asks Henry. "Uh, yeah."

Joel lets out a breath. "That's comforting." Henry laughs quietly and shakes his head. "Relax, old man," he says slyly, and Xen glances over at Joel in amusement. "Looks like I'm not the only one who thinks you're old as shit," she mutters.

"I just hope you know the way." Joel looks grim and uncertain. 

Yeah, that's how every other uninfected in this godforsaken world feels.


	9. bad blood

They make it past the gate.

There's an old cargo container. "Alright, check it out," Joel orders breathlessly, waving Henry over. He kneels and cups his hands over his knee, lifting Henry up on top of the container. There's a small ladder on top. He uses it to get himself all the way up. "We're good. Sam, lets go." Joel prepares to lift Sam. "Alright, kid, c'mon," he pants. Sam steps forward, placing his foot in the palm of Joel's large hand.

He grunts and lifts the boy up to the ladder. "Alright, there ya go." 

"Open the gate!" A brash voice yells from the outside. Xen's eyes widen slightly. She pushes Ellie forward towards Joel. "Go," she hisses, and Ellie obliges. With baited breath, Joel hoists her up onto the ladder. Her tiny hand grasps one side of the ladder, as the other violently comes detached from the container.

Henry lurches forward and grabs Ellie by the hands. "Gotcha." 

Scattered voices yell from outside of the gate. Xen and Joel glance at eachother knowingly. They can't get onto the platform. "Ok, we gotta get them up," Ellie says desperately. Henry and Sam look at one another, eyes shifty and uncertain. "I'm sorry, we're leaving," Henry murmurs. "What?" Sam protests, trying to wrangle out of Henry's grasp, but the man drags the boy off and into the distance.

"What? This is bullshit! What the fuck Henry?" Ellie yells harshly, doe eyes watering with helplessness and rage. She then looks down at Xen and Joel, softening slightly and jumping off of the container without hesitation. "We stick together," she mumbles.

There's no time to react as Joel firmly pushes them towards a garage. Gunfire sounds and bullets ricochet off of fences and trucks. He plants his finger beneath the heavy door and lifts it with baited breath. "C'mon, into the building!" He bellows, his expression somehow even more cold and forbidding.

Ellie is first to dive beneath the sliver of room between the concrete and door, effortless and fleeting. Xen follows her, with much more exertion. She is breathless, but scrambles to her feet in the void darkness and lifts the door for Joel, emitting a strained grunt. He shoves himself through and Xen drops the bulky steel door, the metal screeching in the nothingness.

Joel switches on his flashlight. Ellie follows suit and Xen almost laughs. Had almost forgotten she has a flashlight in the shuffle of madness. She reaches around and unclips the device from her backpack, and lets it's artificial glow illuminate the bleak concrete.

"How the fuck do we get out of here?" Ellie hisses. They can hear the urgent barking of men outside and the unending headache of gunfire. "Here's a start," Xen murmurs, nodding towards an eerie doorway.

They almost make the fatal mistake of wandering into the room, but Xen realizes her error and throws an arm out, hindering Joel and Ellie from stepping forward.

She can hear the gravelly voices of the same men from outside. "Crouch. Turn off the flashlights," she whispers. Joel trusts her judgement, for once, and follows her directions. They silently clamber through the pitch black room, and through the doorway of the slightly illuminated space. The brash voices are too close for Xen's liking.

The three huddle behind a rotting table. Three men patrol the room. An unlucky one strolls before Xen, his back facing her. She's spright as she lurches forward and wraps a firm arm around his throat and the other over his face, dragging him to the floor. Her skin muffles his helpless screams as her muscles crush his windpipe with a delicious snap.

She searches his body and finds some ammo.

"Let's move," Joel whispers, nodding towards another table. Ellie and Xen oblige. They are painfully slow as they crawl against the dusty wooden floorboards, calculated in their silence.

The second man is unfortunate as he stands before Joel. He has no time to react as Joel rises and grabs him. He strangles him against the floor. His body thrashes and fights until he falls limp. Joel searches his body, but finds nothing. They are quick to relocate behind yet another decaying table, and the final man is at arms length. Xen prepares to lunge forward, but Ellie leaps up, ripping her shiv across his throat. He screams but Ellie's small hand is firm across his mouth as he collapses.

She looks feeble and strong and horrified all at once. She hasn't yet desensitized herself, and Xen is grateful. "Over there," Ellie whispers, nodding towards a doorway. They remain crouched as they carefully enter the larger room. It looks like some sort of plaza, decorated with a large circular desk and towering glass windows.

There are no men, thankfully. They fully stand up and Xen's spine cracks quietly. She winces at the dull ache in her body. "Through there," Joel murmurs, pointing towards a chained door. "How are we gonna get through?" Xen asks, furrowing her eyebrows doubtfully.

He leads the two over, and pulls the glass doors open as far as they will go against the chain. "Get underneath it." Ellie goes first, her petite frame easily slipping through the slot. Joel glances at Xen, and nods towards the door. "Ladies first." She snorts cynically and squeezes herself under the tight space.

Somehow, she makes it out, but her skin burns adamantly from the friction of the chains. 

It's some miracle as Joel fits himself under the chains. Ellie laughs quietly, and Joel cuts his eyes at her. "Didn't think you'd make it." Before he can snap back at her, a truck rams into the gates. Xen promptly spins around and can see the headlights of the vehicle shining through the cracks of the wooden gates.

"Fuck."

There's a bridge in the distance, and their footfalls are fleeting. Adrenaline and the need to survive are the only factors that stop Xen from collapsing. Her boots smack against the pavement and Ellie runs close behind.

"They're running towards the bridge!" A gruff voice shouts, and Joel grumbles beneath his breath. Bullets ricochet against abandoned cars and road signs. Xen instinctively glances over her shoulder, always checking for Ellie. Adolescent green eyes are thumping with morphine and survival and fear. 

Xen ducks as a bullet whizzes past the crown of her head. Her heart pounds violently as they huddle behind an abandoned greyhound bus. She can hear the truck in the distance. Joel can too. Xen glances down. The bridge is split. A rough tide pulled by the moon is below them.

"Fuck!" Ellie exclaims, and Xen groans in displeasure. "How many bullets do you have left?" Joel asks Ellie breathlessly, glancing around the bus. His stony eyes are swimming in anticipation and terror. "They're gonna kill us," Ellie argues, ignoring his question.

Xen is pacing, her hands trembling as she desperately considers their options. They could jump, but Ellie can't even swim. They could fight off the men, but the chances of fatality are daunting. "What other choice do we have?" Joel shouts roughly. "We jump!" 

He shakes his head. "No, it's too high and you can't swim." The tanker truck crashes against the bus. "Joel," Xen mutters, grabbing his sturdy wrist and dragging him away, towards the edge of the bridge. "No time to argue," Ellie mutters, glancing at Xen and Joel, before jumping off the bridge. "Ellie!" Joel yells, and Xen can feel her heart sink, and disintegrate into ash. She's only thinking of Ellie as she drags Joel over, jumping and dragging him along with her.

Her entire body aches as she hits the surface of the water. Her and Joel plunge beneath the cold surface, and Xen thinks she's drowning as her limbs freeze up momentarily, but she remembers Ellie, and the trivial fact that the girl cannot swim. She retains her senses, and pressingly swims back upwards. The water is fast as it rushes them forward. She can see Ellie, sputtering and flailing around.

Something within her soul cracks as she desperately swims towards the girl. Joel follows behind her. Xen's arms wrap around Ellie and she holds her securely as the water tumbles them forward. Xen glances over her shoulder at Joel, who points forward suddenly, a panicked gleam in his dark eyes.

Xen has no time to look, before her body collides with something hard and cold. She sees nothing.

_______________________________

She dreams of what life could've been.

Visions of a snug bungalow on the corner, rose vines crawling up the side of her home. She imagines the beautiful mundaneness of a simple life, making a pot of coffee, eating breakfast in front of the grand window, changing her clothes in her own bedroom, watering the plants in her garden.

She wants all of the monotonous details, but she realizes she will never have them as she slowly comes back.

"Henry, she's awake!" 

Her vision is bleary, hearing impossibly hard as she tries to steady herself, but she can make out the heavy footfalls of Joel's boots, and her dull eyes narrow as he crouches down beside her. Ellie and...Sam? They stand beside her.

Her vision is slightly less flawed as Henry comes into view. "Hey you. We're alive," Ellie whispers, bending down and grasping Xen's wrist. She sits up slowly and can feel Joel's large, warm hands on her shoulders, steadying her. She despises the hot twinge in her chest.

She winces at the dim pain in her back. "See? What'd I tell you, huh? She's alive. Everything's good," Henry assures loudly, and Xen glances up at him. Something bubbles in her stomach, blistering hot and unforgiving. Wrath.

She manages to ignore the pain that lingers in every limb as she stands up shakily. Henry is rambling but she can't distinguish a word he says as she strides forward. Her hands are strong as she pushes him into the sand, pulling out her gun and planting the sole of her boot atop his stomach. She's ready to kill him, her pistol aimed at his head. "What the fuck's wrong with you?" He exclaims roughly.

Her finger tightens around the trigger. Henry puts his hands up. "Hey hey hey—she's pissed but she's not gonna do anything," he assures as Sam steps forward in an attempt to shield Henry. Xen laughs dryly. "You sure about that?" She feels Ellie's petite hand on her back, shaky and balmy. Joel's voice is not condescending for once, but full of warning.

"Xen.." he murmurs. "Put the gun down."

She shakes her head. "He left us to die out there," she growls, her hands trembling against the pistol. It drains her of strength to restrain herself from killing him, right then and there. Henry shakes his head too. "No. You had a good chance of making it and you did. But coming back for you, meant putting him at risk." He points towards Sam, who stands alongside Ellie, eyes slightly wide as he gazes at Xen. "If it was the other way around, would you have come back? I saved you."

Xen's fingers soften slightly against the cool metal, but the gun remains pointed at Henry. No, she doesn't think she would've come back if it put Ellie at risk. She knows that she wouldn't. Her jaw is clenched and she can feel her face burning hot with fury. "He saved me too, Xen," Ellie insists gently. Xen pries her eyes away from Henry, and towards Ellie. Her face is soft and she stares at Xen pleadingly. She looks like a girl, not an apocalyptic wasteland killer, a girl from an ancient, vignette postcard. Doll lips, pale milky skin, freckles painted across her nose and cheeks, large, curious eyes brimming with life.

Her face alone makes Xen's heart crumple.

She turns towards Joel, who gazes at her knowingly. She can see the faintest gleam of anger in his own dim eyes, and she knows, knows that he is resentful of Henry too.

Despite that, he manages to not kill him.

"C'mon, put it down," he mutters, his Texan drawl thick. Her eyes waver slightly, and she can feel her heart aching as she drops her gun. She's unsatisfied. She wants to kill.

She spins around, facing the shore as waves lap against the sand and lick jagged rocks. Her face is bright red, scornfully hot as her wrath remains present. Henry stands up slowly.

"Y'know, for what it's worth, I'm really glad we spotted you guys."

Xen sighs, forcing her dim eyes shut and taking a few deep breaths. She tries to count to ten but it never works, only makes her more upset.

She has no choice but to swallow her rage, and keep her mouth shut.

They walk down the shoreline. There's an abandoned boat nearby, and Ellie stares at it curiously. "Did everyone have boats back then?" She asks naively. Maybe it's some twisted blessing that she doesn't know what life before was like, because she can't miss it.

"Yeah. Had a sixty food yacht," Joel murmurs sarcastically. Joel? Joking? She never thought she'd see the day. "Really?" "No." Xen snorts quietly, despite the way her blood still boils hotly from her encounter with Henry.

"Sarcasm...making progress," Ellie hums. Joel says nothing but hops in the boat, sifting through the rotting wood for supplies. Xen paces the beach, boots dragging through the soft sand that leaks through her fingers instantaneously. "I think they're good for us, Sam and Henry," Ellie chimes timidly.

Xen just nods. Tries to let go.


	10. her hardest hue to hold

"Shut the hell up," Henry says incredulously. "Dead serious," Joel mutters, taking another bite of his food. Ellie and Xen lie down behind the two, glancing curiously at them. "It was Tommy's birthday. That's all he wanted to do—just rent two Harley's and drive across the country." Henry looks thoroughly mystified as he lets out a sigh, shaking his head in disbelief. 

"Ah man, I could die happy if I could just ride one around the block. What was it like?" Joel wears a faint smirk, and shrugs his shoulders. "It was good. It was real good," he murmurs, setting his can of food down. Henry's mouth gapes and he glances at Xen and Ellie.

"Good? Can you believe this guy?" He asks, scoffing slightly. Xen smiles quaintly as she glances at Joel. She can see something unfamiliar in his eyes, true joy as he reflects on life before. It's...kind of nice, inspiring.

"C'mon man! Give me details, describe it!" He exclaims. Xen snorts. "You kinda suck at story telling," she agrees, and Joel rolls his eyes and scoffs. "Y'know what, I'm giving you three a little privacy," Ellie says, standing up and dusting off her knees. Henry shakes his head. "No no, Ellie, this isn't just any motorcycle, ok? You get on that bad boy, you feel that engine, nothin' like it!" He exclaims gleefully, his eyes twinkling with unadulterated passion.

Ellie laughs. "Oh yeah? How would you know?"

"I've seen it in my dreams...vroom! Vroom!" He then breaks out into a fit of raspy laughter. Ellie chuckles, and Xen shakes her head, wearing an obscure smirk. "Okay," Ellie says, trailing off into the room that Sam is in. She shuts the door, and Xen pulls her blanket tighter around herself. Her head rests against her backpack and her eyes lazily glance at Joel and Henry. They're silent for a few moments as the laughter dies down. And as the time passes, Henry begins to frown solemnly.

"I don't think anyone from our group is gonna show up," he admits quietly, staring down at his dirtied knees. Xen's festering wrath dissolves into something resembling pity. The quietest faction of her heart mourns her actions from earlier that night.

"Yeah..." Joel mutters, glancing at Henry. The stern lines in his face soften, and he looks...sympathetic. "The worst part about it all is explaining it to Sam," he says, shuddering visibly as he imagines the heartbreak of his own brother. Joel wears a tight frown.

"I'm sorry for trying to kill you," Xen admits quietly, and Henry shrugs. "It's fine, the past is in the past. 'M gonna hit the hay." He turns over, his back facing Xen and Joel. A green blanket is pulled over him and he lies motionless. Xen lets out a breath, and turns towards Joel, who sits still.

For once he actually acknowledges her, dusky eyes slightly less stern as they bore into hers. They are deathly silent, the only sound being Henry's gentle snores. This attentive, relaxed version of the usual cold, aloof Joel she knows is slightly tolerable. "I've thought of killing you, so much," she confesses in a hushed whisper.

He quirks a bushy eyebrow. "Why?"

"You make me so mad. Every single day. I got so close one time. Took Ellie's shiv and had it right on your throat..." she pauses, laughing dryly to herself, feeling silly for not going through with it. "It would've been perfect. But then I thought about Ellie. She doesn't need any more loss," she admits, hugging her arms around her waist, embarrassed of her own contrite and transparency. This isn't her.

She can't read Joel's expression. Doesn't think she ever will be able to read him through those dim eyes and impermeable mind. "Well, thanks for not doin' it, I guess. Reckon you two would be struggling without me." Xen snorts. "Don't test me, Joel." He says nothing as he tucks himself into his worn sleeping bag.

She gazes at him, and hopes that one day, she will be able to shake off her violent and murderous urges, for his sake, and her own. The door to the other room opens, and Xen peeks over Joel's broad shoulder. Ellie walks out, shutting the door, and circling the room, lying down on her sleeping bag alongside Xen.

"Everything alright?" Xen asks, and Ellie nods. Her smile is lopsided and forced. Xen frowns slightly. "What is it?" She whispers, and Ellie sighs reluctantly, doe eyes swimming in an ocean of pain. "Ellie?" She asks again, sitting up slightly. Her stomach flips as she studied the girl closely. Something has possessed the girl, something she hasn't seen before in her. Timidity and dread weighing down on her inquisitive green eyes and smiling mouth. Ellie opens her mouth a few times, struggling to convey what she's feeling verbally. "Tell me what's wrong," Xen pleads quietly. Joel glances at the two, his eyebrows furrowed and a pained expression on his face as he glances at the two.

"I'm...I'm..." she pauses, shutting her eyes. Xen is tender as she brushes the girls chocolate hair out of her face. "You can tell me, Ellie," she insists desperately. The girls chin quivers slightly, and Xen is sorely aware that she's just a child. "You and Joel...you two won't leave me, will you?" She asks, voice crackling and small. Xen immediately shakes her head.

"We came here together, Ellie. I will never leave you, and I'll bet my life on that promise, alright?" She assures soothingly. She doesn't know if Ellie truly believes her, but the girl nods shakily. "Don't worry about that, Ellie," Joel mutters from his sleeping bag, and it's assuring enough, because Ellie sighs and nods again. "Yeah..sorry that was...silly."

She shuts her wanderlust eyes and cocoons herself in her blanket. Xen watches her wordlessly. Something blossoms in the pit of her stomach, something resembling love, the deep, maternal kind, buried beneath wrath and blood thirst and survival. But it's there.

She glances at Ellie, and there's some strange balance in the ravaged world. 

_______________________________

Thick rays of sunshine illuminate the room as Xen awakens. Her eyes narrow and she grunts quietly, permanently frowning and exhausted. She doesn't move, just stares blankly at the stained, dented ceiling. Joel's quiet snores fill the room, and she can see Henry in the corner of her eye, who sits on a stool and stirs something atop the hot plate.

The breathes in the moment of silence like it's oxygen. They don't sleep very often, and when they do, they are interrupted by infected or Hunters, but for this fleeting moment, they are safe, and Xen can lie there motionless in the shower of morning sun. 

Blissful minutes pass before she hears the rustling of a sleeping bag. She sees Ellie in the corner of her eye, sitting up and yawning loudly. Xen's body aches drearily as she turns over, sitting up slightly. "Damn, that smells good," Ellie remarks sleepily. Xen sighs as her grey joints and bones crack noisily as she rises to her feet. 

Joel awakens at the slight sounds, immediately sitting up and pushing the blanket off of his bulky frame. He's alert, but just a sliver of tranquility is evident in the way he slouches somewhat. "Where's Sam?" Ellie asks, well rested eyes darting around the room. "I let him sleep in for once," Henry says, stirring the pot gently. Ellie's eyebrows furrow slightly. "Oh."

Henry stops stirring and glances up at her. "Well, if you want him to join us, you can go wake his ass up." Ellie shrugs. "Okay."

She trails off towards the other room, and Xen silently paces across the creaky floorboards. Joel stands by a large window, quietly staring off towards the doomed horizon of Boston. 

Moments of silence pass, a few minutes spared for Xen to truly reflect for once in many weeks, before she winces at the sound of Ellie's screaming. "Sam!"

"What the hell?" Joel murmurs angrily, turning towards the door. Ellie falls backwards into the main room, her back hitting the floor as Sam tackles her. He claws at her, grunting and growling like a creature. He's infected.

Xen rushes over, trying to push him off of Ellie, but his nails dig into her shoulders. She feels the way he trembles sickly, the way his eyes are defunct and his skin slick with sweat. "Shit, he's turnin'!" Joel yells, lunging for his backpack and retrieving his own pistol.

A gun sounds, and Joel stumbles backwards. Xen's struggling to restrain Sam as Henry shakily aims his revolver at Joel. "That's my fuckin' brother!" He cries, his voice wavering and crumbling. Joel glances at him for a moment, chest heaving, eyes flickering between Ellie, Xen and the gun, before he reaches for it once again. "Screw it."

Another gunshot sounds. It's not Joel's gun, and Sam falls over, limp and very dead. Blood leaks from his head and stains the dusty hardwood floor. Joel immediately lurches forward, his large hand roughly grabbing Ellie's shoulder. A desperate look flickers in his often vacant eyes. "Ellie? Ellie, are you alright?" His dour frown melts into a frenzied look, and Xen is frozen beside Sams dead body. "Uh-huh," Ellie answers breathlessly, nodding. Joel trembles, and cannot look away from the young girl.

She looks at Sam, and looks helpless as she scoots back. "Oh my god," she whispers, her mouth agape and her eyes shiny with a fresh veil of tears. Joel's hand is parental against her feeble back, and Xen would be stunned, and slightly warmed by his tenderness if a boy hadn't just died on the floor, at the hands of his own brother.

"Sam.." Henry croaks, his voice cracking. His hands grip the gun tight as he inches closer to his little brothers own corpse. "Henry," Xen mutters sadly. She can see the glint of derangement and realization and utter misery in his eyes. She knows what he'll do next, and she's not sure if she can stop him.

And she'd probably do the same thing.

"Henry," Joel warns, cautiously standing up. "Ellie, stay there," he murmurs, before turning back towards Henry. His sobs are strangled and he mutters forbiddingly to himself. "What have you done?" He wheezes, staring down at the gun incredulously. "I'm gonna get that gun from you, ok?" Joel says calmly, raising his hands. Henry is feeble and shaky as he points the gun towards Joel, hanging his head and letting his tears hit the floor.

Xen feels an alarm going off in her mind as he becomes increasingly devastated. "Whoa, okay, okay, easy," Joel says cautiously, his steps seizing as Henry becomes enraged. "It's your fault!" He cries, and Joel shakes his head.

"This is no ones fault, Henry." "It's all your fault!" He repeats in a deafening yell. For the first time, in a very very long time, tears prickle Xen's eyelashes. The cold pit where her heart should lie is replaced by a horrible feeling of dread. "Henry, no," Joel mutters calmly, his body shivering ever so slightly.

Henry glances at him momentarily, eyes almost as obsolete as his dead brothers, before he turns the gun on himself.

She hears Ellie gasp. Xen lurches forward as Henry's body collides with the floor. "Fuck," she whispers, shutting her eyes as her chin quivers. The burning feeling behind her tired eyes is unforgiving. Warm tears slosh down her cheeks like blistering flames against her skin.

She turns, and glances at Joel.

For once, he matches her own feeling of terror. His hand is hesitant as it drops onto her shoulder. He needs to hold onto someone after what he's seen.


	11. into dust

☆꧁𝑭𝑨𝑳𝑳꧂☆

  
****

"Jackson County," Ellie mutters, repeating the words on the sign before them. "Means we're close to Jackson city, right?" Xen nods. "Shouldn't be more than a few miles," Joel assures, hiking through the tall grass. 

"You ready to see dear, old brother?" She asks, and Joel scoffs. "I'm just ready to get there." They trek onto a clear trail, and Xen tightens the straps of her backpack. "You nervous?" Ellie asks pressingly, and Joel sighs.

"Don't know what I'm feeling."

They walk in a state of silence, stepping over puddles and muddy trenches. The sky is gloomy and dull, the air slightly cold and bitter. Xen wraps her torn fleece around herself tightly. But this beats the balmy summer atmosphere by a long shot, she supposes.

The mossy street they walk on ends. "So much for a road," Ellie murmurs. "Just follow the river. It'll lead us straight to Tommy's," he instructs, pointing down towards the ebbing stream. Hazy clouds of fog dance above the water and tall pine trees sway gently.

They descend down a steep grassy hill, and Xen admires how the bloomed azaleas kiss her skin. This would be the perfect place to camp, and she almost forgets the earth's downfall as her eyes survey the serene woodlands. "What happened between you two?" Ellie asks Joel suddenly, referring to him and Tommy. Xen laughs inwardly. So much for silence.

"What'd ya mean?" Joel asks. Xen has the slightest reservation that he does know what she means. "You and Tommy...you're not together anymore, so obviously something went down," she explains, kicking a large twig with the toe of her worn converse.

"We just had a bit of a disagreement, that's all," he says plainly, hopping down from a rocky ledge. Xen and Ellie follow. He's more patient with Ellie these days, less stagnant and aloof. Sure, he's still cold, still stern and unforgiving, but the girl has softened him in the quietest way, and Xen knows he'll never admit it.

She dislikes him less, resentfully treats him as an ally. But there is still a heavy distaste she carries for the man and all of his bitterness. She's restrained herself from trying to kill him, at least. Her tempers fizzled out in the slightest degree, but that flame roars in her own heart, and she knows it'll never lie dormant. 

"Ah, here we go, so what was it about?" Joel sighs quietly. "Tommy saw the world one way, and I saw it another," he explains vaguely. "And that's why he joined the fireflies?"

They walk quickly down the winding, jagged rocks, the stream rushing beside them. "Yeah. Marlene promised him hope. Kept him busy for awhile. But just like Tommy, he eventually quit that too." "How was it? The last time you saw him?" Joel laughs dryly.

"I believe his last words to me were 'I don't ever wanna see your god damned face again.'"

"Harsh," Xen murmurs. Joel wordlessly shrugs. "Jeez...but he's gonna help us?" Ellie asks meekly. "I suppose we're gonna find out."

_______________________________

They reach an old dam of some sort, fenced off by FEDRA. Joel steps forward, pulling at one of the heavy steel gates, while Xen pulls at the other. She grunts lowly, her muscles burning as she tugs at the handle to no avail.

"Don't even think about reaching for your weapon."

Xen spins around promptly and sees Ellie, who has her gun pointed upwards, her eyebrows knitted together fiercely. Xen steps back and looks up. Several people line the walls of the seemingly abandoned structure.

"Tell the girl to drop hers. Now." 

Xen's hand lowers Ellie's pistol. "Ellie.." she warns in a sullen whisper. The woman speaking has a gun aimed at them. She has pure blonde hair and translucent skin, deep stress lines etched in her face that remind Xen of Joel. "Please tell me your lost," she says, keeping her gun trained on the three.

"We didn't know the place was occupied. We're just tryin' to make our way through," Joel explains calmly. "Through to where?"

"They're alright," a voice says loudly. He has a southern twang similar to Joel's. "What, you know these people?" The forbidding woman asks sternly. "I know him." The gates open with a resounding screech. A man with shoulder length, dirty blonde hair and a scruffy beard stands there. "He's my god damn brother."

"Tommy..." Joel whispers in a tone resembling bewilderment. "Holy shit," Tommy mutters, dropping his gun and rushing forward, enveloping his brother into a rough hug. Joel stutters slightly, taken aback by the warmth of his younger brother, before hugging him back.

Xen looks on, and can see the quiet, unnoticed similarities between the two. Their permanently stern expressions, their tight lipped frowns, their dusky, skeptical glares. But once they embrace, they are similar in their relaxed grins, their laughs of relief. Xen has never seen Joel smile in such a bright manner.

Doesn't think she ever will again, so she commits the image to memory, knowing it is sacred and rare.

"How you doin', baby brother?" He teases, clapping Tommy's back with his large hand. Tommy pulls away and places his own hand atop Joel's broad shoulder. "You got fuckin' old," he remarks, and Joel scoffs. "Easy—it's gonna happen to you too."

The woman from before strolls out, planted alongside Tommy. He pats the woman's back. "This is Maria. Be nice to her—she sorta runs things around here." The woman, Maria, wears a permanent scowl as she glances at Joel.

He nods towards her. "Ma'am, thanks for not blowin' my head off." 

She nods, her features softening slightly, but remaining austere and tough. "Would've been embarrassing, considering that you're my brother-in-law." Joel glances at Tommy incredulously, who shrugs as his face flashes bright red. "We all gotta get wrangled up at some point," he says, glancing at Xen, and she already knows what he may be thinking.

Maria turns towards Ellie and her. "Ellie, right?" She asks. "Yeah," she mutters, nodding. "Didn't catch your name," she says, turning towards Xen. "I'm Xen. Nice to meet you," she says, offering her hand out. Maria shakes it firmly. "Are you with Joel?" She asks quietly, and Xen laughs darkly, shaking her head.

"Nope."

"Well, what brings you two through here?" She asks. Ellie stutters slightly, rubbing her arm. "Well, it's kinda a long story." Maria glances at her curiously, before Tommy gently touches his wife's shoulder. "Why don't we bring 'em inside?" Maria nods. "Yeah. You hungry?"

"Starving."

_______________________________

Ellie and Xen sit with Maria. They ate lunch together and now they're talking casually, like old friends. Maria is much warmer than she looks, friendly and welcoming like a mother. 

They've talked about the many horses roaming around the small establishment, and how Ellie is fascinated with them. Maria even offers to ride with her one day. They talk about the outside, the infected, and Joel. "Is traveling with Joel...alright?" Maria asks cautiously, and Ellie laughs quietly. "When him and Xen aren't at each others throats it is," she teases, elbowing Xen, who scoffs and shakes her head.

"He can be....cold."

Maria nods. "Tommy's told me what he's gonna through, with his daughter and everything. A loss like that.... it's gotta hurt forever." Xen can not control the way her smile drops instantly, the way her heart crumbles into a pile of dust.

A daughter. He was a father.

Ellie's eyes dim, and her mouth falls agape. Maria frowns, sighing. "You didn't know, did you?" Xen shakes her head. "No, we did not." They sit in bleak silence as Xen processes what she's just learned. Something resonates within her, buried beneath memories of murder and survival instincts, the memory of her own son lingers with devastating permanence.

And she does not hate Joel, but for once, she understands him intimately.

The silence in the room is thick and impermeable as they sit stiffly, until the sudden ricochet of gunfire sounds. Xen's eyes widen and she shoots out of her chair. Maria's sorrowful frown is replaced by a stern, hardened glare. "Fuck, bandits," she murmurs, running over to the door of the large warehouse they sit in. "Help me block the doors!" she yells towards Xen, who jogs over and grabs a heavy steel cart.

Maria grabs the other side and they push it in front of the doors. Ellie paces the room, reloading her pistol as Xen and Maria begin to barricade the doors at the opposite end of the warehouse. "Hopefully this'll hold," Maria grumbles breathlessly, wiping her sweaty forehead with the back of her hand.

Xen pulls her machine gun off her back, and crouches down alongside Ellie. "So much for a quiet day," she mutters spitefully and Ellie scoffs. "No such thing for us, I guess."

Maria pulls out her walkie talkie. "Tommy, they're breaking into the building!" She shouts. The device crackles softly before Tommy's voice comes through the speaker. "Can you get out of there?" He asks breathlessly. "No, we're trapped." There's sudden pounding against the heavy doors, bandits pushing against the doors and the furniture barricading them.

"It's not gonna hold," Xen murmurs. "We're gonna come to you, just stay—" Tommy is cut off by Maria, as the table blocking one door topples over, and bandits swarm the opposite end of the room. "They're here! Ellie, hide!"

"I can fight!" Xen shakes her head. "No, too many of them. Hide."

And for once, Ellie does as she's told, because her life depends on it.

________________________________

Joel and Tommy burst in.

Maria rushes over, stepping over strewn bodies and piles of blood. Tommy and her embrace eachother warmly, tenderly. Xen wonders what that's like, to love someone like that. Joel races over, grabbing Xen's shoulder roughly, but his eyes are desolate, mouth fixed into a stern frown. "You alright?" Xen just nods. She can feel him trembling slightly, and her eyebrows knit together. "Are you ok?" He too, nods.

His fingers squeeze her shoulder slightly before he turns towards Ellie. Her mouth opens and she cannot stop herself from rambling on excitedly over what just occurred. "Joel! Oh man... they were coming in from every direction, then Maria was like 'we gotta run!' So we dove over the tables and this HUGE guy blasts in with a shotgun—" "slow down, slow down, listen," Joel interrupts. Ellie tries to speak more but he places his large hands atop her scrawny shoulders. "Hey, hey, are you hurt?" "No!" Ellie gasps defensively.

Xen watches them intently, the faintest smirk ghosting her lips. They argue like a father and daughter, Ellie so young and twinkling with uncontrollable curiosity, Joel so worn down and protective. Her icy heart warms ever so slightly. Tommy is watching too, and he can't help it as an amiable, warm feeling bubbles in the pit of his stomach.

He thinks of Sarah, and he realizes that he needs to take Ellie to the Fireflies.


	12. im still breathing

"Absolutely not! You tell him to go find somebody else." 

Tommy sighs. "Maria, I can't have this hangin' over my head," he explains quietly. The stern woman scoffs. "Do you have any idea how many men we lost here today?" Her tone is angrier and more forbidding than Xen has ever seen. She leans against a radiator alongside Joel, listening in on the lovers tiff.

"Hey—what's that all about?" Ellie asks, her eyebrows knitting together in a worrisome fashion. "It's nothing.." Xen says dismissively, in a feeble attempt to spare Ellie of any more conflict. But the girl is much too inquisitive to simply dismiss the fight playing out.

"Does it have anything to do with me?"

Joel suddenly turns towards her, a steel frown permanent on his face. "We'll talk about it later," he murmurs passively. Ellie scoffs, crossing her petite arms over her chest. "Did he tell you where the lab is?" She presses further. "Ellie..." Xen warns quietly. Her eyes long for rest and her head aches sorely. Her patience has withered and she's feeling agitated, not at Ellie, not at Joel...not at anyone but herself and the earth. "We'll talk about it later," Joel growls again with finality.

Ellie stares at him, doll like mouth ajar. "Later..." she repeats, shaking her head. "Right," she hisses, trailing off. Xen sighs and leaps up. "Ellie..." Joel calls out, sighing heartily. "Just give her some space," Xen murmurs sadly as she walks Ellie storms off into the murky distance. She then shifts her attention back towards Maria and Tommy, and tries to ignore the queasy, anxious pit in her stomach. "It takes one, one fuck up, one fuck up and I turn into one of those widows!" She shouts in a thundering manner. Thundering, describes the woman perfectly. Tommy sighs, looking defeated.

"I have to do this. I don't know what else to say."

Maria stands there, her prim lips hanging open as she glares at her husband. She then shakes her blonde head, and turns away. "Fine."

She stalks towards Joel, her stance determined and furious. "Here we go..." he grumbles, standing up. Xen looks on, wincing the slightest bit at Maria's fury. "You. If anything, anything at all happens to him, it's on you," she hisses, her pointer finger jutting towards him with the ferocity of a dagger.

Joel says nothing, but glances at her with a blank expression. Maria turns away, and storms off in a similar fashion to Ellie's. Joel lets out a sigh, hanging his head once she's gone. "She's thankful, ya know," Tommy says from a distance. Joel glances at him fleetingly. "Yeah, I know."

Tommy nods towards Xen. "I'll take her and that girl to the Fireflies. You don't have to worry about it." A familiar heavy frown settles into Joel's face like stone. Xen feels something strange, something unfamiliar in her 36 years on this dwindling earth. A pit in her stomach deepens, becomes cavernous, filled with sudden desolation. A bitter taste soaks on her tongue, bites at her in its complete inexperience.

But she stands there, frozen and silent. She loathes this bizarre sensation.

Joel's stony eyes are focused on his worn boots. "It's best this way," he murmurs, sounding as if he's trying to feebly convince himself of his own words. Tommy nods. "Maybe some real good will come of this." Joel looks up, his dreary gaze boring into Xen. "We need to talk to Ellie," he mutters solemnly. She nods simply nods, and doesn't let him in on her sudden weariness, because why should she?

Tommy walks off towards the warehouse, and Xen and Joel trail off towards another building, where they thought Ellie went. But sudden, urgent footfalls fill their ears and they spin around. Tommy is rushing towards them.

"Joel! That girl of yours—she took one of our horses and rode off." Joel sighs begrudgingly. "Damn it, which way?" "Just follow me."

_______________________________

They reach the horses. Xen's only ridden one once, several years ago in a small settlement. She loved it, how the wind traveled through her hair and clothes, how the breeze kissed her skin lovingly. She would prefer to be doing it again, but under different circumstances.

She puts one foot in the saddle and hoists herself atop a horse with black and white hair. His fur tickles against her hands as she takes the reigns and gently taps the horse.

He strides off, following behind the two other horses that Joel and Tommy ride. They reach the moss covered remnants of a street. The horses hooves smack against the cement. "She couldn't have gotten far. We'll find her, don't worry," tommy assures, but to no avail. Xen's heart is pounding wildly with pain as she imagines where Ellie is, what's happened.

She is petrified.

"Stubborn kid," Joel murmurs. "She usually pull these stunts?" Tommy asks. Joel shakes his head gruffly. "Nothing like this. I don't know what's goin' on." The horses carry them through a tunnel, trotting loudly against the ground, then back into the foggy woods. 

They swerve along a curved road, and reach a wall of rocks. Xen grumbles quietly. "Dead end." They turn around, glancing around their surroundings briefly, before Joel points towards a path, adorned with the faintest horse tracks. "Horse tracks. She went that way."

Joel leads them into the forest, winding around trees and fallen logs. They pass a quaint stream and Joel points towards the muddy ground. "There, more horse tracks." They make a sharp turn at a dirt wall, and descend further into the dense atmosphere. They zip around rock walls and reach a log. Joel's horse is first to jump over it. "Woah woah woah!" Joel shouts. A Molotov cocktail is chucked at him and the horse. The horse rolls over and Joel collides with the ground, narrowly avoiding the glowing licks of fire. 

"Joel!" Xen yells suddenly, hopping off of her horse and leaping over the log. Fire bites at her ankles but she is possessed by something, something unfamiliar, trust, camaraderie. "Are you alright?" She hisses, ducking down beside an abandoned truck. He's grimacing slightly, dusky eyes wide and alert, but he plainly nods. Tommy follows behind them.

"I've got your back. How many do you see?" "Too god damn many," Joel snarls, grabbing his shotgun out of his backpack. Xen grabs the machine gun off of her back and Tommy retrieves a pistol from his holster. 

"You two go around, I'll cover y'all," Tommy whispers. Xen nods, and follows Joel around the rusty car. She catches sight of a man ducked behind a log. She aims him down, and once he stands up, she fires incessantly at him, until he crumples against the earth. Gunpowder and explosions and adrenaline rain around Xen, but she finds herself somewhat detached, consumed by fear.

Wretched visions flicker dully in her mind, images of where Ellie could be and what kind of trouble she could be in. The mere thought of the girl being hurt sends a violent chill through Xen, splitting her in half, one side of her fierce and brutal and the other tender and worrisome, reminiscent of a mother.

"Stay sharp," Joel mutters to her, his elbow jabbing her forearm gently. Despite the cavernous pit in her chest, she nods, and drags herself forward. It's all a sullen fever dream as she shoots down men and chucks Molotovs in their vicinities. Her mind is impermeable in the utter chaos. They loop around a small hut. Xen manages to take down one man silently, sneaky as she breaks his neck and watches him fold into the muddy ground of the forest.

Joel's in front of her, unaware of what lingers behind, only alerted once Xen gasps. A Hunter has her in his grasp, forearm pressed securely against her windpipe. His skin is slick with perspiration and he smells of musk. Her heels are desperately plunging at his ankles. He grunts, his stance wavering. Joel turns swiftly, inky eyes narrowing as he flawlessly aims his gun and shoots the man in the head. His dark blood splatters against Xen's hair and face.

She wipes it away from her eyes, as if it's mud or water and not the essence of another human. "You ok?" Joel asks breathlessly. Her throat is dry and throbbing, so she settles for a curt nod. Her heart is pounding, hard, every one of its collisions with her ribs painful. As they step out into the mossy terrain, there's silence, and Xen hasn't decided whether it's serene or eerie. "C'mon, lets go get the horses," Joel says, vast hands fixed securely around his gun. "Yeah.." she mutters absentmindedly.

Tommy rises from behind the abandoned truck he used for coverage. Joel and Xen run down the rigid hill. Tommy whistles for the horses, who come trotting and leap over the log. Xen's horse comes to a halt and she carefully hoists herself up onto his back, before taking the reigns in her hands. She's trapped in a world of uncertainty, her mind and soul lurking in a thick fog as she follows after Joel and Tommy.

They ride back up the dirt path, corpses strewn across the muddy, grassy terrain. Xen dimly recognizes her own handwork on them, and she feels nothing. They loop around a large, jagged rock, and hop over another log. "Tracks keep goin' this way," Joel reports, surveying the track briefly. His voice is tight and dour. 

The horses trot over a shallow puddle. Droplets of water sprinkle against Xen's pants. "I just hope they didn't get to her," Joel mutters. Xen is uncertain of whether he was talking to himself or her, but she catches up to him. "I'm sure they didn't, and if they did, we'll give 'em hell, alright?" She doesn't truly believe her own feigned optimism, because she's seen and known so many depraved wonders, but Joel softens ever so slightly, and nods.

The path feels so infinite, so excruciatingly unending as Xen feels herself growing anxious. Ellie has completely penetrated the thick barriers of her mind and has saturated everything. She can feel her own heart throbbing, each pulsation erupting with agony. The pit in her stomach deepens, and grows frigid in its own trepidation.

It feels like weeks and months have passed once they reach an abandoned ranch house. "Look! By the ranch, that's our horse. She's gotta be there!" Tommy exclaims, pointing forward towards the chestnut colored horse. Xen whips the horse and it sprints forward. Her only intention is to find Ellie.

She leaves her horse alongside Ellie's. Joel does the same, and so does Tommy. Xen leads them inside the large home, and something twitches in her own heart. This is a house she would've dreamed of in her adolescence, grand yet homey, the essence of a family lingering greatly. It's like a scene frozen in time, a dusty remnant of life before the apocalypse, dishes strewn out on the table, food on the countertops, linens and pillows fresh on the couch. It's like they never left.

"Xen," Joel says firmly, and she snaps out of her own dreary haze. She shakes her head. "Sorry. Ellie!?" She yells her boots creaking against the floorboards as she strides into the kitchen, then the living room. "Ellie!?"

"You look upstairs, I'll look down here," Joel says. Xen nods and rushes up the wooden steps. The floorboards tremble beneath her. "Ellie?" She shouts again, peeking in the many idle bedrooms and bathrooms of the top level. It's like a movie, a world trapped in the silver screen as she combs through the perfectly untouched rooms, residue of life left behind. Journals, canvases, makeup. She finds herself distracted, being slowly sucked into the dreamy visions she had as a girl.

Maybe if she had known, known how brutal the world would become, maybe she wouldn't have had those empty hopes and dreams.

She exits one master bedroom and heads into the last one, at the very end of the wide hall. Her fingertips are urgent as they push open the white wooden door. And the throbbing of Xen's heart seizes. Ellie sits on a quaint nook, overlooking the ranch outside, a journal glued tightly in her small hands, her curious spring eyes dancing across the pages.

"Ellie," Xen sighs, rushing forward. Something maternal and nurturing consumes her and she cannot stop herself as her arms wrap around Ellie. The girls eyes widen slightly at Xen's outward warmth. She hesitantly wraps an arm around Xen's muscular back, before the woman pulls away, bending down in front of Ellie. "What the hell were you thinking?" She asks, her hands trembling as she rests them atop the bygone cushion of the nook.

Ellie shrugs weakly, and returns her gaze to the journal. Xen sighs, and stands up. "Joel, she's up here!" His heavy footsteps sound, clunky boots harsh against the delicate hardwood, and he bursts through the door, his face as stern as she's ever seen it. A raw uncultivated gleam flashes in his eyes, an almost paternal way of worry strong in his movements.

"Is this really all they had to worry about?" Ellie blurts out, looking up at Joel. "Boys, movies, deciding which shirt goes with which skirt?" As a girl of the slightly undisturbed world before, Xen can say no to that. Those were the weak struggles of debutantes and girls playing with daddy's money, not the true issues of a normal girl. But Xen says nothing.

"It's bizarre," Ellie murmurs, flipping a yellowed page of the diary. Xen sighs and places her hands on her hips, frustrated with Ellie's nonchalance. "You gave me a heart attack," she whispers, more to herself. Joel notices and shakes his head. "Get up, we're leavin'," he orders shortly.

"And if I say no?" Ellie challenges fiercely, shutting the diary and swinging her legs over the nook. Xen wants to be mad, wants to drag Ellie out of the room by her petite wrist, but she remembers what it was to be a teenage girl. Probably ten times harder in a post apocalyptic world. "You can't say no," Xen says brutally, crossing her arms over her chest. Ellie just sighs weakly. "Do you even realize what your life means? Huh?" Joel snarls, stalking forward. 

"Running off like that, putting yourself at risk, it's pretty god damn stupid," he continues harshly. "Well, I guess we're both pretty disappointed with each other then." Xen's eyebrows furrow and Joel scowls. 

"What do you want from me?" "Admit that you wanted to get rid of us the whole time!" Ellie exclaims, nodding towards Xen, who winces at the sudden explosion of emotion. Joel hesitates, raising his hands defensively. "Tommy knows this area better than-" "fuck that!" Ellie groans, hopping up from the nook. Xen watches the scene unfold wordlessly.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I trust him better than myself," Joel says sharply. "Stop with the bullshit. What are you so afraid of? That I'm gonna end up like Sam? I can't get infected! I can take care of myself." "How many close calls have we had?" Joel interjects in a thundering tone. "Well, we seem to be doing alright so far."

"And now you'll be doing even better with Tommy!" He roars indefinitely. His chest heaves as he glares silently at the girl. Ellie is equally as ire. Joel huffs and turns, pacing the quaint bedroom. Xen sits on the squeaky bed, resting her head in her hands. Today's drama is giving her a headache. "I'm not her, you know."

Ellie's tone is now soft and timid. Xen knows what she's talking about, and she's crossing a deadly line that could get them in some deep shit. "Ellie, stop," she hisses, hopping up from the mattress. Ellie glances at her sadly. 

The air is so stiff, so thick and unnerving that you could choke on it. "What?" Joel whispers, turning around. His furious look has melted into one of confusion and the slightest hint of sorrow. Ellie shifts where she stands.

"Maria told me about Sarah, and I-" "Ellie, you are treading on some mighty thin ice here." Xen is silent, her heart lurching at the deadly tension that lingers in the room, present as the sunshine flowing in through the windows. "I'm sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too." Xen grows anxious, her mind consumed by memories, visions of her own son, and her heart aches in a profound manner.

Ellie has overstepped.

"You have no idea what loss is," Joel growls, and for once, Xen can understand his wrathful tone, can truly align herself with him and his experience. "Everyone I've cared for has either died of left me," she argues brashly, stalking closer to the man, who's practically seething, soaking in his own rage and misery. 

"Everyone—fucking except for you!" She shouts, lunging forward and pushing the much larger man with her puny hands. He stumbles back slightly, and Xen feels that a line has been crossed. Joel clenches his jaw, glaring at her in a brutal way. "So don't tell me I'd be safer with someone else, because the truth is that I'd just be more scared."

Joel wears a tight frown, and nods. "You're right. You're not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain't your dad, and we are going our separate ways," he hisses callously. And Xen can feel the stinging bite of his words from where she stands. They're saved from the bitter silence that would've ensued if Tommy hadn't rushed in unpronounced. "Get it together! We're not alone," he whispers harshly.

Xen's eyebrows knit together, and she instinctively grabs her machine gun from her back. Joel turns towards the window, glancing down sternly. "I've got two walkin' in." Ellie clutches her pistol vehemently, but her eyes are slightly defunct, her lips curved down in a miserable way of being. "There's more inside already," Tommy reports, gripping his rifle and peaking through the doorframe. 

They crouch, and silently sift across the hall. Hunters infest the house. Ellie trails timidly behind Xen. Joel turns, and nods towards a Hunter, who stalks the room opposite to them. He runs forward, wrapping his brawny arms around the mans throat and dragging him the the floor. It's a distorted, monstrous excuse of an embrace as he suffocates the last grains of humanity out of the man. He is limp.

Xen turns, wanders into the next bedroom. A Hunter is looting through the drawers with one hand, a pistol secure in his other. She grabs her shiv from her back pocket, leaping up and grabbing him by the head, slashing his heinous throat quickly. He groans quietly and collides with the soft carpet, his blood soaking through the yellowing fluff. 

She turns and swiftly exits. Ellie watches her wordlessly, miserably. Joel leaves a room, blood staining his flannel. They regroup, and Tommy nods towards the winding steps. The four slowly clamber down the creaky steps. Xen winces at the way the wood whines beneath her hands and knees, how the sound leaks through the floorboards and into the ears of their enemies.

She can hear the cautious chatter of hunters below. Her fingers loop around her gun tighter. "Use your bow," Joel whispers, now holding his own. She nods and straps the heavy machine gun onto her back, trading it out for the worn bow. She swiftly nocks the arrow, her eyes focused on a Hunter who stands at the top step, his back facing them. She draws the bow string back, and aims for his head.

The arrowhead nestles itself within his skull deliciously.

They trail towards the kitchen, Joel and Xen holding their bows fiercely, Tommy clutching his own rifle, and Ellie feebly sulking behind them with her pistol. A man circles around the large granite island of the kitchen, and Joel is meticulous as he leaps upwards, the mans yelping muffled by Joel's large hand.

He snaps his neck gracefully, then lowers his body to the tiled floor.

Xen turns, and her eyes search for Ellie, but she isn't present. Her heart begins to pound sporadically. "Where's Ellie?" She hisses to Joel, who glances around the room, and wears a stern, anxious frown. "Fuck."

Xen remains crouched, searching around the kitchen and near the steps. The sudden sound of a yelp fills her ears, and her blood runs cold. "Ellie!?" She stands fully and runs into the living room. Ellie stands there, catching her breath, her dagger dripping with blood. A man lies on the ground before her.

"Jesus," Xen breathes, hunching over and rubbing her temples. "You gotta stop running off," she mutters, shutting her eyes solemnly. Ellie says nothing. Joel comes in, Tommy too, and he sighs in relief. "House is clear."

Ellie wipes the blade off on her own jacket, Xen shivers at the way she looks slightly defunct. She fears that the girl will become merciless, detached like she's been. Maybe it's inevitable, but Xen will do anything to shield Ellie from that numb, wrathful way of being, because she knows it like the back of her hand.

There's a sudden boom. A gunshot, disrupts Xen's chain of thought completely. Something agonizingly warm pools through her hip, staining her pants of crimson. She furrows her eyebrows, and her vision grows blurry, the people in front of her fading in and out.

She can see Tommy, repeatedly shooting the hunter who presumably fired the gun. He falls to the floor, very dead. 

Joel rushes forward. His voice isn't as gruff, sounds soft as it hits her ears. She can't tell if it's really as melodic as her brain has told her, maybe it's just some painful illusion. "Xen, c'mon," he grunts, trying to scoop her up and make her walk, but she's so dizzy, so uncoordinated as she hits the dusty floorboards. "Fuck..."

She can hear Ellie faintly. She's not far, but her voice is so muted as Xen loses blood. She can feel the girls petite hands pushing against her shoulders, trying to force her into standing.

A familiarly strong pair of arms lift her bridal style. Joel forces her arm over his shoulders, and he can feel her growing more limp. The softness of his flannel is sudden and terrifying, his skin so warm. Has he always been this way?

She's caught between reality and a fever dream as he carries her out of the ranch house, and those adolescent dreams that Xen felt being roused die out again like stars. The sun hits her brashly and she grunts. Joel carefully sets her on the dirt road. She can see the horse. Joel climbs atop the creature hurriedly.

Tommy picks her up this time, and he seems to struggle more, not as strong as Joel. He groans weakly as he puts her on the horse, her body slumping into Joel's back, which is so firm and warm. Joel wraps her arms around his waist, and her face leans against his shoulder lazily. She can make out Ellie's panicked shouting. It feels like it's growing further.

Everything is growing further as she fades away.


	13. mirrored heart

Xen dreams of Ellie and Joel.

They're sitting comfortably in a golden meadow, the sun warming them like a blanket. The easy silence is delicious. Joel is smiling, and so is Ellie. It's bizarre but Xen welcomes the scarce joy. She lies back, letting the grass tickle her skin. Her gaze is lazy and relaxed.

The sky shifts, melts into a stormy pile of fog and thunder and lightening. Xen lurches forward. Ellie and Joel are hunched over, and they're bleeding, endless sporadic puddles of red. Xen gasps and leans forward, doing all she can to block their wounds with her own hands, but holes open and blood pours like rain.

Her eyes are wide and her heart is palpating with intensity. "No," she croaks, maddened pupils gazing at Joel and Ellie, who look sorrowful in their brutal deaths.

And she can't do a thing.

Xen lurches forward, for real, this time, her hip throbbing in a horrifying white hot agony. Her hand clutches something fiercely, and she opens her eyes. Her fingers are looped desperately around Ellie's smaller hand. The girl looks panicked and relieved all at once as she gazes at Xen.

"She's awake!"

Xen's hand is vehemently tight against Ellie's, her other hand placed over her chest as her heart pounds against her own rib cage. "Fuck.." she whispers breathlessly, the visions of her own nightmare festering in her mind.

Joel, Tommy, and Maria race in. She lies atop a cot, a thin wool blanket covering her torso. "How are you feeling?" Maria asks, coming into the quaint room and sitting down beside her. "Like death." Her voice is raspy and dry, her throat raw and aching incessantly. Her head throbs dully, and her hip is on fire.

"Tommy, get her some water," Joel murmurs. Tommy nods and rushes off. Joel fully enters the room, dusky eyes focused on Xen. He stands beside her cot in a rigid, stressful way. His greying hair is slightly disheveled and there are bags beneath his eyes. She manages to let out a dry laugh, despite the way it hurts her entire body as she shakes. 

"You look worse than me."

He scoffs. "You haven't changed one bit."

She turns towards Ellie, sweeping green eyes wider than normal and full of pain. Her lips are fixed in a permanent frown and she almost looks like Joel. "Hey," Xen whispers. "Hi."

Tommy comes in, holding a rusty glass of water. Xen sits up further, gasping at the way her hip stings horribly. Joel's hands are almost instinctive as they find her shoulders, pushing her back down gently. Tommy hands the glass of water to Joel, who gives it to Xen. She hurriedly gulps down the water. It dribbles down her chin and chest but she's so thirsty. "You're gonna rip your stitches," he grunts, and Xen frowns tightly.

"Stitches? How long will I be here?"

"You've already been out for two days," Maria reports, and Xen almost gasps. "Seriously?" She nods wordlessly as she fluffs the woman's pillow. "I've been stuck with Joel," Ellie murmurs sadly, releasing Xen's hand.

Joel rolls his eyes and Xen snorts humorously. "Good thing I'm not dead." Her eyes survey Ellie, and she looks so disheveled and upset. Xen feels her heart aching. "How long have you been sitting here?" She asks gently. "Two days..." Ellie mutters sheepishly.

"Ellie!" She yells hoarsely. Ellie raises her hands defensively. "Joel's been here too! Yell at him!" "Take a shower and get some sleep," Xen says sternly, and Ellie shakes her head. "No, you're finally awake!" "No. Shower. Sleep. Now." Her tone is stern and maternal.

Ellie sighs, and Xen gives her hand a soft squeeze. The girl forces a half smile, and trails off out of the room. "We'll uh...give you two a moment," Tommy says politely, leading Maria out of the room. She doesn't like how he says it, like they have intimate things to discuss.

But then she remembers Sarah, and she realizes that they do.

Joel continues to stand stiffly, and Xen observes him through sleepy eyes. "Thanks." He furrows his eyebrows. "For what?" "You got me out of there, didn't you?" Xen asks, crossing her arms over her blanket. He softens slightly. "Suppose I did."

He loops around the cot, and sits carefully in the creaky chair that Ellie sat in. The lines in his face are so stern and forbidding, while the lines, or scars, in Xen's are man made, remnants of brutality. "Thought you were dead once we got back here," Joel admits quietly.

Xen raises her eyebrow. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Shes joking, kind of, but Joel doesn't like this joke. He frowns solemnly. "You know I wouldn't." It's an honest omission of slight tenderness, the quietest amount of admiration for his resentful ally.

And she can appreciate it.

So she hums in acknowledgment. Her mind wanders to a dark place. To her own son, to Sarah, and her body feels anchored to the bed. She immediately blurts something vulnerable out. "I had a son." Joel freezes up, brawny frame tense. "You don't need to talk about her, if you don't want to. But I need to get this off of my chest." Her stomach churns anxiously as she fiddles with her blanket. "Had him when I was 21. He was...he was beautiful." Tears are already tickling her lash line. They feel like fire ablaze against her cheeks. It feels wrong to talk about him, because she did this. She's the reason he's gone. She's tried to forget him for so long, tried to detach herself from him and let him be a memory, but she's learned that it's impossible.

"When he was 3, he got bitten. I-I did everything I could before that to protect him, but it just...happened." Her throat closes, and she swallows a sob. Joel is grimacing, the faintest coat of tears shining in his dark eyes.

It hurts much worse than any other pain she's known to admit what happened next.

"I shot him. And I left him there."

The image of his dead, feeble body dances around in the recesses of her mind, always haunting her. She doesn't even notice the way she trembles, sniffs in an ugly way as she sobs quietly. She hates this, but she needs it.

"I-I know, what you feel," she finishes, desperately wiping her face with her hands. Her own tears leak into her jagged scars. Joel is frozen, and his face, it almost hurts her, how disturbed he looks, how saddened he seems.

It hurts because he's so aloof normally.

"It wasn't your fault." Is all he says, in a shaky, damaged manner. Xen nods and sniffles again. Despite the agony, the shame, the hollow pit in her own chest, it feels like something heavy has been lifted off of her back, freeing her.

And she silently apologizes to her son, like she always does, every single day, and she hopes he's somewhere better than this.

Joel's hand sits atop her blanket. He doesn't touch her. Doesn't expect him to. But his fingers grazing against the wool covering her leg shows his silent appreciation of her confession. He doesn't speak of Sarah. He feels like he should, but he cannot revisit the pain right now. Xen's own loss was excruciating enough to hear of. 

She wants to say something to lighten the macabre spirit of the room but she can't, because her pain is so fresh, an unhealed wound. 

Her and Joel stare at eachother silently, united they stand in their own loss.


	14. blessed be the mystery of love

Xen hates it, lying idle in the dark room.

It's been four days and she thinks she's losing her mind, slowly but surely. She likes for Ellie to sit alongside her, spares her a few grains of sanity. Joel visits often, sitting silently alongside her for many hours, making snide remarks every so often. Xen doesn't mind, because she's even worse. 

"Please break me out of here," Xen whispers to Ellie pleadingly, who shakes her head. "Maria would never let me. Neither would Joel." He sits on the opposite side of the bed, glaring slightly at Xen as she plots. She groans and lies back. "Y'know, most people would be happy to lie here, not fight off infected for a few days." Xen shakes her head. "Not me."

Ellie recites cheesy, painfully shitty jokes from her pun book. They aren't funny. Xen doesn't laugh much, but finds slight joy in the way Ellie giggles at the horrible puns. Joel is silent (per usual) and wears a half smile at some jokes.

Xen stares blankly at the ceiling. Ellie lists off a few more puns, before sighing and shutting the book. The cot creaks as she lifts her petite form onto it. There's barely enough space for the two, and Xen laughs quietly. Joel snorts and shakes his head forbiddingly. Ellie shrugs.

"What'd you guys want to be when you were kids? Before all this shit?"

"A painter," Xen blurts out in certainty. Ellie laughs. "That's awesome. Joel, how about you?" He chuckles timidly. "A singer." Xen finds some odd relief in the fact that he was once a dreamer, innocent and thinking ahead in optimism. Ellie gasps. "You should sing for us!" She suggests, and Joel immediately shakes his head. "No way. You'd laugh at me."

Xen scoffs. "No I wouldn't. I'd like to hear you sing." Joel shrugs sheepishly. "One day, maybe." Maybe is good enough for her. "What did you guys end up doing?" Ellie asks. "I was a contractor, worked with my brother," Joel explains pleasantly. Ellie hums in acknowledgement. "I was a teenager still. I just painted a lot, went to school. Shit was pretty boring, but yeah, I miss it," Xen explains, and something juvenile twinkles in her stomach as she remembers those days fondly. Her parents, her hopes, her dreams, her passion. She misses everything. But there's no use in hanging onto something unattainable, she supposes.

"We done with the questions?" Joel asks, and Ellie nods. "I think so."

"Can you get me some water?" Xen asks Ellie. Who groans but obliges, carefully hopping off of the cot and exiting the dim room. Xen turns over, groaning at the hot ache in her hip. Joel sighs. "Do you wanna rip your damn stitches?"

She scoffs. "I have to roll over, Joel, fuck."

She's facing him, inhaling his exhales. He's so rigid, he must hurt. Something's shifted in their dynamic since she found out about Sarah. She can quietly admit that she feels something other than the urge to maim or kill him. She kind of likes him, thinks they maybe could've been friends if they hadn't fallen on hard times. 

She understands him, intimately, and vice versa.

"Sing for me." Joel grunts stubbornly. "Nope."

Xen sighs dramatically. "I'm like, dying, Joel," she moans weakly, and he smirks barely. "Well, I guess you'll have to die without hearin' me sing." She groans and gives up easily, knowing how god damn stubborn he is.

He glances at her thoughtfully, and she quirks an eyebrow. "How 'bout this—I'll sing for you if you paint for me." She's surprised at his proposition. Didn't think he'd care much for a painting. But there's no paint, no canvases or brushes, so she laughs. "You know I can't get the stuff I need to do it." He shrugs. "Not my problem."

Ellie enters the room, holding a glass of water. She hands it to Xen, who smiles thankfully. The girl returns to her seat alongside the cot. Xen takes a few sips, then clutches the cup comfortably. Ellie leans her head against the cot, her eyes blissfully shut. Xen's fingers twitch. And not to kill, not to maim, but to stroke the girls hair soothingly.

But she stops, because how do you let someone know that you love them? Like they're your own flesh and blood? She doesn't know, so she lies there idly. "She's tired," Xen whispers plainly. Joel nods.

"Wish she'd get in her own cot and get some actual rest," Joel murmurs passively, and Ellie flicks him off lazily. Xen snorts and glances at Joel, because she doesn't know where else to look. This has bonded them, in a weird way. And she then realizes that they're going with Tommy, and her heart sinks.

"You should probably get some rest," Joel murmurs, clearing his throat noisily. He rises from the chair and Xen nods. Maybe it's best this way. But she can't restrain herself from asking him as he starts towards the exit.

"Are we still going with Tommy?"

Joel stops and she's suddenly afraid, feels small despite her strength. Well, she isn't very strong right now, she supposes, resigned to a cot, motionless. He turns slowly, placing his hands on his hips. And her heart thumps wildly.

He's stiff as he shakes his head. "Don't wanna get into trouble with his wife."

Xen nods, stifling the blossom of relief in her belly. Joel nods towards the cup on the makeshift nightstand, an old crate. "Want me to take that?" She nods wordlessly. He walks forward, boots clunking against the concrete floor. He leans down, and his vast hand wraps around the cup. He's close to Xen, closer than he's ever been before. Her scent lingers up to his nose, gunpowder and blood and fire.

And he likes it.

"Joel..." she whispers his name like a warning, but a slight longing is present. She thinks she's delirious, truly out of her mind as she sits up, grunting in pain, all to be close to him. This feels dangerous, regrettably intimate. And they aren't even touching yet.

The warmth practically radiates off of him, his chest rising and falling rapidly as dusky, swooping arcs of his eyes see through her. He looks scared. Petrified. His hand reaches down, holding her clothed thighs to steady himself. And the touch sends shockwaves rippling through her. Her skin is ablaze and she lets out a breath. It fans his face and he shivers.

Her arm is shaky as she wraps it around him, pulling him closer to her. It feels surreal, like some sort of forlorn fever dream. She trembles gently, in trepidation and carnal desire. It feels like something has been unhinged, something she can't lock back into place. 

His fingers squeeze her thighs gently and he lets out a huff of air. His nose brushes against hers, their lips ghosting together. "I haven't showered in like....days," she admits, and Joel scoffs, and she laughs shakily. 

"Did that ruin it?"

He doesn't say anything, he just leans in and does it. It feels like a fantasy and a nightmare, because she doesn't know what will happen after this. But she can't think as his lips move against her. She wants more, because she feels so deprived, and she beckons him closer, her legs wrapping around his waist. Her hip burns hotly but the pain is so minuscule compared to the pleasure and relief and fear rushing through her like a tide. 

She's greedy as she pulls him close, his hands selfishly squeezing her thighs. "Joel?"

They both gasp and separate in an instant, left unsatisfied and cold. She pulls the blanket back over herself hurriedly, and Joel tries to hide the...situation...in his pants.

Tommy enters the room, and waves politely at Xen. She can feel how flustered she is, and she smiles the best she can. "I was just about to head out," Joel says, his voice trembling slightly. Tommy nods. "Alright, I'll go with you." He can't help but glance back at Xen as he follows Tommy out of the room, a hungry glint in his eyes. Xen's left catching her breath.

And he didn't even take her cup away.


	15. disorder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone. just warning you guys that this chapter is a bit long lol. i appreciate the attention this story is getting so much though <3 stay safe and healthy

They ride on horseback to the University of Eastern Colorado. The air is chilly and Xen's grip on the reigns of her black horse is tight. Joel and Ellie ride alongside her, on a dark brown horse. "Ok, let me see if I got it straight. If you mess up your fourth down, then you give the ball to the other team?" Ellie asks. It saddens Xen in the slightest way, that the girl never got to know these mundane things from the world before the outbreak.

But Hell, it's probably for the better. There's nothing to miss or lose.

"Right, it's called a turnover," Joel confirms. Ellie nods. "And if you clear the ten yards then you're back at...first down?" Joel nods. "First down, that's right." Ellie sighs. "Man, it's confusing." Xen laughs quietly. "You just gotta play it a couple times. It'll all make sense."

They enter the front gate of UEC. Joel stops, climbing off of the horse. "Stay, Callus." He begins to sift through an abandoned car for supplies. "What kinda name is Callus, anyways?" He asks, and Ellie scoffs. "Not my fault you forgot to ask Tommy his name."

Ellie then glances at Xen playfully. "Why won't you name yours?" She asks, and Xen groans. "I don't need to name him," she answers plainly, and Ellie wrinkles her nose up. "You're no fun." Xen snorts. "Ellie! Think I found another one of 'em comic books you been reading," Joel says, tossing a crumpled book at the girl. 

"Oh, I'll read that later," she hums, glancing at the book, before shoving it into her backpack. Joel hoists himself back onto Callus. Xen glances at him, and she hates it, how she can always envision that night perfectly. And she's reluctant to admit that she misses his smell, his touch, the taste of his lips on hers. The memory is omnipresent in her mind.

She shivers slightly as they dart around abandoned storage containers and cars. "Ok...none of these buildings look like a mirror to me," Ellie says, doe eyes surveying the campus. Xen doesn't know what she's doing, unfamiliar with the area, so she keeps her mouth closed. They ride beneath an awning. "We'll head to central grounds. Should be able to see most of the campus from there," Joel explains over the loud trotting of the horses.

They turn a corner, and there's something that looks similar to a loading dock. They stop the horses, and climb off. Ellie stays planted atop Callus, moving to wear Joel sat. "We'll be right back," Joel mutters to Ellie. She nods.

Xen leads him inside. The room is dark and smelly. Xen scrunches up her nose and switches on her flashlight. "Your hip feel alright?" Joel asks, and despite the constant dull ache, she nods her head. "I'm good to go."

They sift through shelves and bins. Their dynamic, surprisingly, isn't awkward. There's no time to be avoidant in a hell scape like this. But they don't discuss it, what happened that night, because neither parties know where to go, what to do with the sudden information.

It's best to leave it alone, she supposes.

"Check this out," Joel calls, beckoning Xen over. She drops the bin she's searching through and jogs over to where Joel stands. A silver flamethrower rests in his sweeping hands. She laughs incredulously, letting her fingers graze over the cool metal. "That's awesome," she whispers, glancing up at him. He wears a timid half smile. The shift in their dynamic has been major. They're vulnerable to eachother, as they now know each other's past traumas and lives before the outbreak. And she doesn't hate him.

Not always.

The misfortune tension between them festers as her fingers linger towards his wrist. She shivers, and revokes her hands. "Let's get back to Ellie." Joel nods stiffly, and straps the flamethrower to his backpack. They walk out and Ellie is reading her new comic.

"Scoot," he murmurs, and the girl obliges, moving onto Callus's lower half. Xen hoists herself onto her own horse, and Joel leads her forward. They leap over a barb wire fence. Ellie laughs loudly. "That was fun." Xen chuckles and Joel wears a half smile. He does that a lot more, smiling. It's kind of nice.

Ellie glances at the college's mascot, a yellow ram, painted on a wall of the building. She scoffs. "That's a huge ram. You guys were like some idol worshippers." Joel laughs quietly. "When it came to sports? Hell yeah."

Xen rolls her eyes. "Not all of us." Joel scoffs. "You didn't like any teams?" He asks in disbelief, and Xen shakes her head firmly. "Well, you must've lived a sad life."

She snorts, and follows him up the cobblestone steps. Ellie shivers visibly. "Man, it's getting chilly," she murmurs. "It's that time of year." They make a left, and enter the awning of another large, brick building. She never knew what it was like to go to college, to go to football games, to attend parties and drink and live off of ramen and cheap-piss-tasting-beer.

And she's kind of relieved.

They see the rumored location of the fireflies in the distance. "Hm, it does look like a huge mirror," Ellie comments quietly. The horses enter another awning, then a scrappy old building, the walls rotting completely, bodies strewn across the floor. 

"How many people do you think are there? Fireflies, I mean." Xen shrugs. "Reckon it takes quite a crew to run that operation," Joel says. "You think there'll be other people my age?" "Ah...I'm not sure," Joel murmurs apprehensively. Xen doesn't have any questions. Strangely, her sole reason for traveling with Joel and Ellie hasn't really crossed her mind in the grand scheme of things. She's been busy with...other things.

They arrive at a gate. Xen stops her horse and hops off. Her arms and hip ache as she pulls the gate open slightly. "Joel, give me a hand," she says breathlessly. Joel hops off of Callus, and pulls open the other side, grunting quietly as the metal screeches against the floor.

Callus begins to whine, rearing himself forward. "Whoa whoa whoa, what is it boy?" Ellie asks, tugging on his reigns. The eerie screeches of infected are sharp against their ears. "Sounds like runners. Stay with the horses, Ellie. We'll go check it out."

Xen grabs her machine gun off of her back and Joel grabs his new flamethrower. "Are you sure?" Ellie calls, and Joel nods. "Yes, don't want 'em runnin' off." Xen and him pull the gates shut, and Xen lets out a sharp breath at the stabbing pain in her hip.

"Hey, you need a break?" Joel mutters, and she shakes her head. "M' fine." He doesn't believe her, but says nothing. Her eyes search the room, and she can see a closed gate that leads them outside, closer to the mirror like building. "Look," she says, pointing towards it and jogging forward. Joel follows after her.

There's a button to open it, but no power. 

"Looks like someone jerry-rigged this thing," Joel murmurs. He tries to press the button. "No juice." "Let's find the generator," Xen says, her fingers massaging her hip. He nods. The yellow wire leads up to the top floor. "C'mon," she says, jogging towards the steps. 

They reach a wide, short hallway with dirty, tiled floors. They crouch, and inch closer towards a large room at the end of the hall. The eerie croaking and screeching of infected fills Xen's ears. She reloads her gun quickly, peeking into the room. And they notice her almost immediately. "Fuck," she hisses, stumbling back and tightening her hold on her gun. Joel aims his flamethrower, and infected come flooding out of the defunct classroom.

She fired round of ammo at the half dead creatures while Joel cooks them with the flamethrower. The scent of roasting flesh lingers in her nose and she chokes back a gag as she aims down the undead.

Joel runs out of fuel, and as he reloads, an infected begins to take hold of him. It's strangely instinctive, as she lurches forward and plunges a shiv into his neck repeatedly. His blood stains her chest and she winces. "That's all of 'em, I think," Joel rasps, and she breathlessly nods, standing up, shocked at the unbearable ache in her hip. She gasps and stumbles over, groaning quietly. 

"Xen..." Joel sighs, kneeling down alongside her. "What?" She hisses, gulping in air as she desperately clutches at her damaged hip. "I told you we could've stayed back at Tommy's longer," he growls. She only huffs, her curly locks swaying gently. She pushes up her top, and rolls down the waistband of her pants, exposing her hip. 

The bandage is soaked red. Xen shakily removes the destroyed gauze. Her skin's inflamed, red veins bulging grotesquely. She winces as Joel's fingers graze over the injured, bony region of her own being. She can't help the way she hisses and how her hand instinctively grasps his bicep. He gazes at her darkly, humming as his eyes survey the wound.

He withdraws his hand and digs through his backpack. Her sharp breaths are loud and erratic. He retrieves a tube of ointment, and Xen raises her top again. "It's gonna sting," he murmurs, and she simply grimaces.

He squirts the ointment onto his fingers and rubs it onto her hip. She gasps. The stinging in her skin is overwhelming, worse than Joel made it out to be. She lurches forward, and Joel firmly holds her back by her shoulder, glancing at her sternly. "You've gotta let me do this," he says quietly, almost tenderly.

And she lets out a wheeze, and lies back against the wall. The burning worsens against her flesh, and her hand grasps his broad shoulder tightly, fingernails digging into the suede of his jacket. He gazes up at her silently, his dim eyes almost sympathetic. And her heart thumps with longing. He withdraws his hand and retrieves some gauze and tape from the backpack. He rips off a piece of the gauze and plants it over her hip. "Hold it there."

The obliges and holds the gauze in place, while Joel tapes it down against her skin. She squirms at his fingers brush against her bare skin. If he notices her restlessness, he doesn't say anything. She lets out a breath and pats his shoulder thankfully. "Thanks," she rasps.

Joel packs up his bag and stands up, offering his hand out to Xen. She's almost surprised at the gesture, but she accepts it. His warm, large hand is strong as it pulls her up onto her feet. She nods and follows him into the classroom.

The pain in her hip dissolves slightly, but she still loathes the ache. "There," Joel says, pointing towards a red generator. Xen nods and limps after him. She steps over strewn, burnt bodies and overturned shelves, until they reach the large generator.

Joel leans over and pulls the wire on it, about three times until the power starts up. He sighs and rolls his shoulders, standing back up. "Good, we can get outta here now," Xen murmurs, and Joel chortles. "Yeah, don't like it too much over here." She follows him out of the room and down the steps. They walk over to the gate, and Joel presses the button again, and this time, the gate actually opens.

"Hey, I was thinking, I would've wanted to be an astronaut," Ellie says from her spot atop Callus. Xen laughs and Joel smirks gently. "That a fact?" Joel asks, in a slightly teasing manner. Joel, strong, brute survivor of the wasteland, paling around with a teenage girl.

It's all very funny.

"Yeah. Can you imagine being up there? All by yourself? Would've been cool, I'm just sayin'," she explains as Joel and Xen climb atop the horses. "Yeah, it would've," Xen agrees quietly as she takes the horses reigns. They ride out into the dawn sun, the cold air nipping at Xen's flesh. They make a left and ascend up a steep pair of frigid, cobblestone steps.

"Here," Joel murmurs, pointing up at the entrance to a rotting building. Xen steps and slides off of her horse. Joel does the same. There's a dumpster in front of the large hole of the brick building. Xen hoists herself onto it, grunting as quietly as she can at the pain. 

Joel follows behind her, and stops her before she can feebly drag herself into the ledge of the building. "I'll go first." Xen doesn't have much of an option as he swiftly lifts himself into the decaying relic of life before. He then offers his arm out, and she snorts indignantly.

He sighs, and shakes his arm. "C'mon," he breathes, and she feels like she's losing herself as she accepts his help, and lets his brawny arm help lift her into the building. She dusts off her knees and stands up, breathless and unwilling to thank him. It's like he can see right through her, like she's not made of the iron she thinks and instead of melting cellophane as he reads her. "This ain't gonna make you weak, Xen," he mutters.

She shrugs, and begins to loot through a filing cabinet, scrounging up a few gears and blades. "It doesn't matter." Is all she says, and she doesn't really know why she said that, because it does. Being strong is everything.

He scoffs, sifting through a corroding desk. "We both know it does. Listen to me for once."

She says nothing, but roughly shuts the filing cabinet. "You find anything?" She asks, avoiding his stark gaze, instead glancing down at her bloodied boots. "Some alcohol, rags, basics. Reckon that's everything."

They leave the moldered building. Joel helps her down and she hates herself, but she reluctantly thanks him.

They climb back onto their horses, and leap a another fence. "Aw, are those monkeys?" Ellie asks, pointing down the large pair of steps. And yeah, they're monkeys, small furry creatures leaping and running around. Xen laughs loudly, glancing incredulously at Joel, who smiles, showing his teeth for the first time in what feels like many years. Her heart thunders wildly with something resembling adoration. "Yeah, a whole mess of 'em," he confirms as Callus trots down the steps. They ride towards a tunnel, and Ellie wears a toothy grin. 

"That was awesome."

"First time seein' a monkey?" Joel asks, and Ellie nods. "First time seeing a monkey..." she repeats happily, a sense of accomplishment present in her tone, and Xen's frosty heart warms. They arrive at another gate, controlled by electricity, and hop off of the horses.

"Watch yourself," Ellie warns, her small hands stroking Callus's fur. "You too," Joel calls back.

They enter a room, piled high with junk. They crawl underneath the wreckage. "You good, old man?" Xen asks, and Joel snorts. "Been awhile since you've called me that." She shrugs. "I've gotta remind you sometimes, that I'm elite," she grunts as they duck under overturned shelves. "Whatever you say..."

They reach the door, and hurriedly escape the clutter, entering a much emptier space. Xen sighs contently and follows Joel up the wide steps of the building. Looks like some sort of dorm hall. "Did you ever go to college?" Xen asks as they reach the second floor.

Joel shakes his head. "I uh...had my daughter pretty young. Didn't have time." Xen simply nods, doesn't press him further. "You think you would've gone? If this shit hadn't happened?" He asks as they turn down a wide hallway. She shrugs. "I don't really know. Hadn't thought about it too much. After all, I was only sixteen, wasn't very smart either," she explains, and Joel chuckles. "You and me both."

They sift through dorm rooms, desperately rummaging through desks and drawers. They find a few rags, some explosives and alcohol. Joel isn't paying attention as he steps forward in at the end of the hall, and Xen grabs his bicep, wielding him backwards. There's a large pit in the floor, spores floating below.

"Shit." He scoops his gas mask out of his backpack, and puts it on quickly. "Cute," Xen whispers. She can hear him chuckle through his mask. They hop down into the pit. The croaks and drawls of clickers fill their ears. 

They take cover behind a rotting desk, drifting slowly across the carpeted floor towards an window leading to the next room. She hates the clickers, more than anything. Her heart palpates in her chest and she can feel the beads of sweat dribbling down her neck.

Xen looks out to make sure that no clickers are close by, before quietly vaulting the window. Joel follows after her. They enter a dorm bathroom. There's a clicker in the bedroom, wandering around aimlessly.

Sometimes she pities them, how miserable they must be. She wonders if their souls remain there, trapped inside such a hideous frame. She tries not to think about it, makes the killing easier. Joel quietly takes down the clicker, plunging a shiv into its fungi covered neck.

They repeat the cycle, treading silently through dorms, taking down clickers, until they reach yet another wide hall. They immediately duck behind a rotting couch. Xen peaks slightly over the tattered cushions, eyes narrowing as she tries to see through the spores.

And her eyes finally catch something terrifying.

She crouches back down, snuffing out a gasp with her own hand. Joel stares at her expectantly. She can't see his eyes through the mask, but envisions that familiarly wrathful look. She nods forward and he looks.

She can see his jaw clench.

Their footfalls are so meticulous, deliberately slow and calculated as they sift through the hall. As they inch closer to the beast, Xen can feel her knuckles tightening around her gun, hands turning pale white, almost translucent. 

And they're right in front of him soon enough.

She feels like she's suffocating. And then she realizes how she's holding her breath out of pure terror. Her muscles tighten, like she's ready to run, flee as fast as her legs will carry her. They reach two wooden double doors.

Joel quietly turns the door handle, but a vending machine is barricading the door. "Shit," he growls. He glances at Xen momentarily, and he can see the way her eyes glisten. She feels small, weak, but those bloater shits, she doesn't play with them and their depraved bullshit. He pushes against the door, motioning for Xen to help, and she does.

They push all their body weight into the splintered wood repeatedly. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see the bloater coming closer. She shivers and smashes harder against the door, ignoring the way her shoulder throbs incessantly. The vending machine topples over and the two burst through the doorway. 

"Quick!" Xen hisses, scrambling to trap the door once again with the bulky vending machine. He joins in and they push the machine up against the door with weak groans and grunts. Xen immediately kneels down, trying to catch her breath. Joel does the same in a standing position. "Fuck," she rasps, her eyes focused on Joel's dirtied, bloodied boots.

"Take a minute," Joel says breathlessly. "I am."

"Sit," she grunts, beckoning him over. He obliges and kneels down beside her, his chest heaving, his mask still on tight. "I hate those nasty-sons-of-bitches," she grumbles, shivering at the mere thought of a bloater. "Yeah, me too," Joel huffs. Xen shakily stands, and Joel mirrors her movements.

They clamber up the steps. Xen is still trembling from their latest close encounter. She's cursing beneath baited breath as they enter another floor of dorms, absent of clickers and bloaters this time. Joel takes off his mask, and shoves it into his backpack. And Xen is startled by how relieved she is to look into his murky black pupils again.

A twinge of something lustful, tender, explodes in her chest, and she stifles the feeling.

"Fuck, we've gotta get out of here," Joel grumbles. Xen says nothing, but mentally agrees. They drag themselves down the hallway. Xen is delirious with pain and desire and fear, her eyes a lingering presence on Joel.

He points towards a door at the very end of the hall. "Bingo."

He hurriedly pushes it open, and Xen welcomes the bite of the cool air against her cheeks. They jog down the wooden steps. Ellie's voice sounds. "Joel!? Xen!? Are you guys ok? What happened in there?" She shouts from behind the gate. "More infected—we're fine!"

They're on the other side of the gate now, and a red generator is perched neatly in the center of the campus. Xen lets out a sigh of relief and runs forward. She moves the cart that holds the generator over towards the button that opens the gate. She plugs the cord into the generator and moves aside to let Joel start it up.

He grunts in a hushed tone as he pulls the cord a few times. It powers up and Ellie pushes the button, laughing as the gate opens. "You guys did it!" Xen quirks an eyebrow. "Did you think we couldn't?" Ellie elbows her in the arm for that one. She rides Callus through and Xen's horse follows behind. She hoists herself into the saddle, and Joel does the same.

"Those clickers—you think they were fireflies?" Ellie inquires. "No...no, I don't think so."

They trot through a tunnel and reach the "giant mirror building." Ellie frowns. "No guards, no nothing," she grumbles. Xen's eyebrows knit together in confusion. She has a feeling this will not go as planned, because nothing seems to pan out accordingly for the bunch.

"Yeah, I'd expect to see someone by now," Joel admits quietly. Everything around the building looks abandoned, dirtied and vacant for many years. "Have you ever been to one of these?" The girls asks. "What? A university?" She nods.

It's similar to the conversation her and Joel had earlier.

"No, not as a student, at least," he admits, chuckling darkly. "Why not?" His expression grows timid, his mouth slightly ajar and eyebrows furrowed. "Uhh...I had Sarah when I was pretty young," he explains. Xen remembers how he was only months ago, tight lipped and maddened by Ellie's curiosity. He now answers her, explains things to her,

As well as he possibly can.

"Oh...were you married?" She asks. Xen's stomach churns. She doesn't remember the father of her child. No one special, same old Tom, John or Dick. She doesn't bother trying to dig up a memory of some sleazy hookup, that turned into much more than expected.

Joel sighs. "For awhile." "What happened?"

"Ok.." Joel warns, and Ellie grimaces slightly. "Too much?" She squeaks. "Too much."

_______________________________

They enter the large glassy building through a rotting hole in the wall. Ellie's curious eyes comb over the ransacked room. "Let's look around," she suggests. Xen says nothing, but follows after the girl and Joel. Something feels wrong, an eerie chill blanketing her entire body. She stays close to Joel and Ellie, because something bad will happen, she just knows it.

"Hello!?" Ellie calls out desperately. "Fireflies!?"

Nothing.

They comb through each room, all similar, once prim labs, stained with blood and dirt and skeletons. As they sift through each room, the trepidation settles deeper in Xen's bones. Joel notices her weariness as they wander around. He keeps asking her what's wrong, but she says nothing, and just shakes her head.

They enter a lobby. There's a small table with paperwork. Joel immediately picks it up, skimming over the papers. Xen shallowly sorts through a bin. "Nothing useful," she reports plainly, wrapping her arms around herself as a chill rips through her. "Ain't nothin' here but a bunch of medical mumbo-jumbo."

Ellie sighs shortly. "I don't get it!" 

Joel looks regretful as she grows increasingly disappointed. Xen is in a world of her own, her dim eyes shifting every which way as something unnatural nestles itself within her. "Looks like they just packed up and left in a hurry." There's sudden racket upstairs, something metal clanking loudly. 

Xen feels her heart lurch violently.

"Fuck," she hisses, knuckles tightening around her handgun. "Maybe not all of them left," Ellie mutters. "Stay close," Joel whispers. They start up the steps. Xen's legs tremble and her muscles are impossibly tense. This feels so wrong, so forbidden and upsetting. Joel's boots clunk against the metal as he jogs up the steps. She wants to be close to him like she was that one night. And she's not sure if she'll ever have that privilege again as a dreary fog consumes her. 

They reach a metal door. Joel pushes it open aggressively and leads Ellie and Xen into a large, once sterile lab. "This doesn't feel right," she admits in a hushed whisper. Ellie is oblivious as she combs through papers and cabinets, searching desperately for answers.

Joel hears her, and wears a tight frown. He silently agrees.

They sift through room after room. Xen's so disturbed, that she feels like she can barely breathe. She wonders what the hell's gotten into her, what's possessed her and made her so timid and sick to her stomach with terror. Joel's ok, Ellie's ok. Why can't she be ok?

They enter a much darker, larger lab. Zen switches on her flashlight, her blood running cold as she sees three monkeys on the middle table. She gasps and stumbles backwards. "Shit!" She hisses, clutching her chest and hunching over. Her heart throbs as it crashes into her rib cage. "Well, at least it ain't clickers," Joel mutters plainly.

Ellie steps forward, kicking a strewn box with the toe of her shoe. The monkeys scramble off. "No fireflies either."

"Look." He's pointing at a metal door with a long glass window. It leads to some sort of guard tower. Xen follows him to it. "Give me a hand with this," he says, nodding towards the door, and the desk barricading it. They push their separate weights against the door repeatedly, until it bursts open.

There's a corpse, completely corroded, sat atop an office chair. A fireflies jacket is wrapped snugly around them. There's a tape recorder on the desk in front of him. Joel's jaw is clenched tight as he grabs it vehemently. 

"If you're looking for the Fireflies, they've all left." Ellie laughs bitterly. "Yeah, no shit." "I'm dead...or I will be soon." Xen's foggy eyes linger on the skeletal corpse. "Got me some time to reflect-" Joel skips through the rambling impatiently. "C'mon," he murmurs to himself. 

"....looking for the others, they've all returned to Saint Mary's hospital in Salt Lake City. You'll find 'em there." Ellie gazes at Xen in disbelief. Xen doesn't react, feels nothing but discomfort. "Do you know where that is?" Ellie asks. Joel nods. "I know the city." "Is it far?" 

"It ain't close. I mean, on horseback-" Joel suddenly stops, daunting, murky eyes narrowing through the window. There's a light shining on them, silvery and bright. Xen's stomach turns violently. "Fireflies?" Ellie whispers. "Get down!" Xen hisses, dragging both Joel and Ellie onto the floor. Dismembered parts of the skeleton crunch beneath her knees but she's so numb as a bullet comes flying through the window, shattering the glass. Shards of glass fall into Xen's curly hair like grotesque little snowflakes.

"Who the fuck are these guys?" Ellie whispers as they clamber out of the small room. "It don't matter. We know where to go. Lets get the hell outta here," Joel insists in a gravelly tone. Xen's fingers tremble against her gun as they jog out of the large lab. As they enter another room, Joel ushers for them to crouch.

He's quick like lightening as he aims his shotgun through the glass door. Xen hears a groan and then a hard thud. She hears other men screaming. These aren't hunters. She's not sure what the hell they are, but they're scattered around the room like cockroaches.

Xen isn't thinking as she aims down men and shoots them mercilessly. This feels like something so weird and dangerous and deadly, worse than a herd of clickers or even a bloater. Her eyes are frantic as they shift back and forth between Joel and Ellie. They take out the first herd of men and then run down a hall. Ellie and Joel speak but she's in a daze.

She crouches behind a strewn cart. "Stay down," she grumbles to Ellie, not taking her eyes away from the men as she aims for their heads. Joel's shotgun shells burst loudly and Ellie curses in a loud whisper.

"Balcony," he whispers. Xen and Ellie both nod, and tread closer to the door leading outside. Xen sticks close to Ellie, her eyes fixed on the back of Joel's head. He pushes the metal door open and they clamber out onto the wrap around balcony. Joel points to another metal door. "That should get us to the stairwell."

He leads them towards it, and Xen is almost nauseated with her own trepidation. Ellie notices how pale she looks, her skin slick with sweat, murky pupils dilated and shifty. But she figures that the previous gunfight may have spooked her a smidge, and she says nothing.

Joel stands up from crouching position. Xen and Ellie stand a slight distance, looking on as he yanks open the door. A man tumbles out, pushing Joel into the glass railing of the balcony. Xen's blood is frigid as she shakily reloads her gun. Ellie does the same.

"Fuck," she whispers, lifting her head and preparing to aim down the man, but the grass shatters in a horrifyingly loud screech. Joel and the attacker tumble over the balcony. Xen gasps, and sprints forward, peeking out over the remaining shards of glass.

And her heart comes close to stopping.

Joel's lying there, groaning loudly. There's a metal rod, plunged straight through his back and chest. He's been impaled. There's a yellow cord dangling over the balcony, and Xen uses it to lower herself down to the floor. Ellie follows.

"Fuck," she whispers, kneeling alongside Joel. Her stomach churns as blood soaks his shirt completely. "Fuck fuck fuck." Joel's squirming, and her hands are firm against his shoulders. "Hold still," she murmurs, her voice cracking as trembling hands inch closer to the pole.

There's banging at the door behind them, and Xen curses wildly beneath baited breath. Her mind is in utter disarray. She doesn't know what to do, not in a situation like this. "What do we do?" Ellie asks urgently.

Xen doesn't have an answer this time.

"I-I don't know."

"Move," Joel grunts, his hand shoving at Xen. "What?" "Move!" He shoves her against the concrete, right as men break the barricaded door. And somehow, in his deliriously excruciating state of being, he shoots two men several times. He then relaxes again, his chest rising and falling. "I-I'm gonna need you two to pull." Xen nods vigorously. "Y-yeah. You ready?" Joel nods, grimacing hard.

Ellie grips one hand and Xen grips the other. He's somehow warm still, even as blood leaks from his body like a faucet. Xen nods, and Ellie counts. "One, two, three!" They pull. The sound of the pole ripping through Joel's insides is unforgiving, and Xen swallows a sob. 

He screams, louder than she's ever heard from him. "Pull!" He shouts, and they fully remove him from the rod, which is saturated in blood. Joel immediately falls to the ground, vast hands desperately clutching his stomach. "Lean on me," Xen murmurs, her body trembling as she positions herself beneath his broad shoulder. Her arm wraps firmly around his waist and she does her best to support him, despite the searing pain in her hip.

"Ok, ok, I've got you," she whispers. Ellie's holds the door open for them. "Get t-get to the damn horse," he seethes. "I don't see anyone. Lets go," Ellie reports as Xen drags Joel through the doorway. He fades in and out of consciousness, and Xen thinks she's gonna have a heart attack. "C'mon," she grunts, dragging him through another lab.

"Joel? How we doing?" Ellie asks, glancing back at him feverishly as she clutches her gun tight. "M' fine," he sputters. "No, no you aren't," Xen whispers breathlessly. "Your hip," he groans, glancing down at Xen drearily. She shakes her head again. "No, I'll be ok."

"Think you can handle the window?" Ellie asks. Joel nods. Xen releases him, and he clambers through the window, colliding with the cold floor, emitting a weak moan. She rushes over, and Ellie follows. "God fucking dammit," Xen snarls. Not at Joel, not at Ellie, but at the god forsaken world they suffer in.

She lifts him partially, and he coughs dryly, looping his arm over her shoulders. The door at the opposite end of the room bursts open. Another pathetic man with a shotgun. "I see you." Xen drags Joel behind a long table, and Ellie shakily reloads her gun. "Fuck," she whispers, and Xen grabs her wrist, fear running through her veins, thick like blood.

"No, let me," she insists, snatching the gun from Ellie. She leans over Joel, her aim mediocre at best as she quivers uncontrollably. She shoots him a few times in the stomach before he goes down. "Shit," she mumbles, leaning back behind the table, and handing the gun back to Ellie. "We gotta get you outta here," the girl mumbles to Joel, and Xen helps lift him back onto his feet. She nearly collapses as his weight fully relies on hers momentarily.

"Jesus," she rasps, dragging him towards the door. Ellie rushes forward, surveying the halls. "There's no one here. Hurry." Xen shuffles a little faster, but it doesn't make much of a difference. They enter the dingy hall. "You're doing good, just keep at it," Ellie encourages, as well as she possibly can. 

They enter the North Hall. Joel grows heavier against Xen, and she feels weak as she moans in agony. "C'mon," Ellie beckons. Light floods in from the exit and Joel squints. "There's the exit. Just a little bit more, Joel."

He falls opposite from Xen, clattering against a metal post. Her heart sinks and she lurches forward, wrapping her arms back around him. "Behind you," he rasps towards Ellie. "What!?"

"Ellie!" He yells as best he can, collapsing into Xen and knocking her into the ground. She groans weakly and so does he. Her eyes flicker up at Ellie, and she turns frigid as two men shoot at Ellie, but she's faster, learned well from her allies, and aims one down quickly. 

There's one more, and she's out of ammo. "Ellie!" Xen screams as she stumbles backwards. The man comes at her with a pipe. She dives to the ground, grabbing the dead mans gun and shooting the attacker multiple times, her petite hands so unsteady.

"Fuck," Xen moans, lifting Joel off of her. He's barely conscious as he forces himself to his feet. His hand grips Xen's shoulder fiercely, and both of her arms are wrapped around his waist in an attempt to support him.

Ellie stands up, blood completely soaking her hoodie. She leads the two towards the exit, frantically looking back at them at each step. "When I get you out of this, you're singing for me," Xen grunts. And he can hear her. He laughs deliriously, more upbeat than he should sound, and he begins to cough. "You wish."

Ellie rushes forward and holds the door open. Xen's arms feel like noodles as she lugs him out of the door, and into the bitter cold. The steps are steep, and Joel tips forward. Xen's eyes widen. "Fuck." He sends them both tumbling down the unforgiving concrete stairs and she yelps. Her vision is bleary as she cranes her neck up, and her eyebrows furrow together at the sight of a man, trying to make off with their horses. "What the fuck?" He exclaims, reaching for his gun. And Xen nearly accepts her fate.

But Ellie expertly nestles a bullet between his eyes. 

She runs down the steps and helps Xen up. "You ok?" The girl asks, and despite the roaring ache in her head and hip, she has no other choice but to nod. She leans down, wrapping Joel's arm around her. "C'mon, Joel, please," she croaks. He tremulously rises, groaning and wrapping his arm around Xen's shoulders for support. "Can you get on?" Ellie asks as Xen drags him over to Callus. He nods. "Yeah..."

"Ok...Xen, you get on," Ellie says. "Why?" "He's gonna need someone to rest against. I'll take your horse," she explains, and Xen nods. "Ok, yeah." She climbs into the saddle, and eyes Joel as Ellie helps him up, as well as a fourteen year old girl can, and onto the horse. He moans weakly as he clambers up into Callus's saddle.

Immediately, he rests against Xen's back limply. She can feel how he sways gently, between consciousness and darkness. 

She's scared.

________________________________

They don't know where they are as snow begins to flurry around them, biting at Xen's cheeks and hands. Joel offers some warmth, his chest nuzzled against her back. "I think we're safe..." Ellie reports from behind. "Good."

She can feel Joel suddenly, falling over, and she sighs sadly. "Joel, no-" he falls off of Callus and hits the pavement with a thud. Xen is instinctive as she hops off of Callus, and bends down to Joel's level. His eyes are shut and he's limp. "Joel, c'mon," she grunts, trying to lift him. Ellie gets off of her horse and tries to lift Joels other half, but their efforts are fruitless.

"Joel? Get up...you've gotta tell me what to do!" Ellie yells, shaking him in a frenzy. Xen feels for his pulse. It's shallow but it's there. 

She intends on keeping him alive, she just doesn't know how yet.


	16. winter symphony

☆꧁𝑾𝑰𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑹꧂☆

****  
"Let me go," Xen insists for the fifth time as Ellie grabs her bow and backpack. The girl sighs, and looks at Xen knowingly. "I'll be fine, ok? Just make sure Joel doesn't...Y'know, die." The woman sighs, feeling her stomach turn violently. She finds herself like this every time it's Ellie's turn to hunt for them, a nervous fucking wreck. The hushed maternal love she harbors for the girl makes her this way, she supposes. "Stay sharp," Xen says casually, in spite of the way her heart thumps with fear.

Ellie groans, throwing her head back dramatically. "I always do, ok?" Xen just nods. And Ellie nods towards Joel, who lies there on some frumpy old mattress they dug up, covered in thick blankets. "Make sure he's alright."

The girl opens the garage door, and leads Callus outside, then closes it. Xen watches her silently as she straps her bow onto Callus, then hoists herself onto the saddle. Her heart palpates every time, an eerie chill spreading through her. She can't lose Ellie. She can't.

And Callus trots through the snow, carrying Ellie into the white, powdery distance. Xen sighs, and turns over, her body frigid against the concrete floor. It's been a harsh winter. Food's scarce, and medicine too. The temperature is low and the snow is piled thick.

And Xen silently wonders how the hell they're gonna survive.

She glances at Joel. She wonders where he is, maybe caught between life and death. His eyes are shut but he's breathing, muttering incoherent words and groaning. She supposes it must be from the cold and the gash in his stomach. She talks to him, sometimes. She doesn't know if he can really even hear her, but he'll turn his head, as if he's looking at her.

"I love her, Joel, like she's my own," Xen admits quietly, because she knows he won't remember any of it. "I can't lose her." She can feel tears prickling her lash line, and she is quick to wipe her eyes. She lets out a huff of air, and turns onto her side, fully facing Joel.

And she decides that's enough truth telling for today.

She rests her hand on Joel's blanketed chest for some warmth. "You're totally singing for me, though, once we're out of this." And she imagines him scoffing at her. 

The things she'd do to have him back....

_______________________________

"Xen."

The woman awakens immediately, slightly panicked until she sees Ellie, crouching beside her. She lets out a breath of relief. "Hey. He's been alright," she reports, rubbing her hands together. Ellie retrieves some Penicillin and a syringe from her backpack. Xen's eyes widen.

"Holy shit, where'd you get that?"

Ellie shrugs. "Uh...Y'know, just some abandoned warehouse." She shakily pulls back the plunger, and pours the medicine into the syringe. Xen notices the way she trembles, the way her eyes shift every which way.

"Hey, are you alright?" Xen asks, her eyebrows knitting together in a worrisome fashion. Ellie just nods, and hands the syringe to Xen. Xen doesn't believe her, but it's not the best time to push Ellie, who pulls back the covers, and raises Joel's coat and shirt. His stomach is inflamed, splotched bright red and throbbing. Ellie did his stitches, because Xen didn't know how. They aren't bad. "This is gonna hurt," she mutters to Joel. And she plunges the syringe of penicillin into his stomach. He groans loudly, shifting slightly. It's a good sign, she thinks.

He's not too far gone.

"All done," she breathes, pulling Joel's shirt and coat back down, and pulling his blankets back up to his neck. Ellie sighs and takes off her backpack, resting it beneath her head. Xen feels Joel's forehead, and it's not as raging hot. She nods in relief. "You're gonna make it."

She's not sure who she's saying it to, him or herself.

______________________________

Ellie shakes her awake, violently.

She gasps and almost lunges forward, until her dark eyes see Ellie. Fuck, she has to stop waking up like this. "Fuck," she breathes, sitting up and trying to catch her breath. "These guys followed me back here. We've gotta go," Ellie explains hurriedly, vaguely, and Xen's eyes widen. "What? What the fuck?"

Ellie just drags Xen by her arm towards Callus, who's already outside. "C'mon," she murmurs. Xen hoists herself into the saddle first, but she has so many questions. Who's following her? Why? What about Joel? "We're just gonna draw them away from here," Ellie explains. "But we need to be silent."

She climbs behind Xen and Callus begins to trot forward. "Easy..." Ellie whispers as they pass the men. They look like the ones from UEC. She can hear them talking, talking about Ellie, or "the girl." Xen and Ellie watch them carefully as they ride through the snow.

And a sudden pair of hands grabs around Ellie's waist. "Hey, I've got her!" A brash voice yells. Xen turns around, and it's instinct as she grabs her shiv out of her back pocket and plunges it into the mans bicep. He yelps and falls back against the snow.

"Fuck," Xen murmurs as she takes hold of Callus's reigns. And he trots faster. Gunshots sound, the gruff yelling of these fucking pigs who tracked down Ellie harsh against Xen's ears. They swerve behind storage bins and trucks, avoiding the gunfire. "What do they want from us?" Ellie yells. "I wish I fucking knew," Xen grumbles as Callus leaps over a log.

They loop around house after house. "Shit, she's headin' off!" One man yells. Xen can feel her heart, thundering in her chest and crushing her rib cage. She's so tense, practically holding her breath as Callus carries them away. "Shoot the fuckin' horse!" Another man shouts.

"Come get me your motherfuckers!" Ellie yells over the clomping of Callus's hooves. They're coming towards a hill, and that's when a gunshot sounds and Callus neighs loudly, collapsing and rolling down the jagged rocks, which are coated in a soft bed of snow.

Xen and Ellie tumble down the rocks, and hit the ground with a hard thud. "Fuck," Xen grunts. Her hip smolders excruciatingly, and she clutches at it. Ellie sits up, moaning weakly and rubbing at her arm. Xen slowly rises to her feet, and offers her hand out to Ellie. The girl grabs it and Xen drags her onto her feet.

"C'mon, we gotta run," Xen breathes, dragging Ellie by her wrist. Gunfire sounds and her feet pound against the snowy terrain. Her lungs burn and she's dizzy but there's no time to break. They reach a small house and Xen dives in through the window. Ellie follows behind.

They sit there for a moment, catching their breath. The gunfire grows closer, and Xen carefully crawls through the house. She turns back, glancing at Ellie every few seconds to make sure she's still there. She can hear the men chattering in low growls, and a shiver rips through her. She's cursing beneath baited breath as she thinks about Joel.

What if they got to him?

"C'mon," Ellie whispers, moving in front of her and nodding towards the window of the living room. Xen follows after the girl, and they vault the window, landing in a bed of cold, wet snow. They run forward and vault the window of the next house over. Xen hisses as her hip collides with the wooden floor. Her clothes are stiff as they freeze to her own skin. She gets up, grunting quietly at all the aches and pains.

"We're gonna make it out of here," Ellie whispers. And Xen doesn't say anything, because she's so god damn cold and sore. Any hope she had dwindles pathetically. 

They're in the bedroom of the small cabin, and their footfalls are slow and deliberate throughout. They loop around the bed, and into the hallway. "David said not to shoot her, just to bring 'er back." "Fuck David! I'm freezing my ass off!" And Xen ponders the fuck David is. The voices come from the living room, and Xen pulls out her shiv. Ellie's puny hand is gripping her own dagger tight.

They slowly sift through the hallway, and peek around the wall. Two men stand facing the windows, holding rifles. Xen and Ellie continue to silently inch closer to them. Xen wonders if Ellie can hear her heart, how violently is lurches in her chest. She nods towards one man, and Ellie nods towards the other.

They lunge forward. Ellie jumps onto the mans back, repeatedly driving the blade into his neck, while Xen lowers her target to the floor, roughly slicing his throat. Her shiv tears through veins and bone then breaks.

"Shit," she whispers, digging into her backpack and retrieving her handgun. They remain crouched as they exit the house through a side window. There's a large sort of bridge structure in the distance. They budge through the thick, frigid snow, standing up and sprinting forward.

Ellie holds her arm out once they're only feet away, crouching down. Xen kneels beside her, and the girl points forward, towards a man who patrols in front of the structure. "Of course," she mutters. "Lets hide over there." Ellie points to a bathroom, and Xen nods.

They shuffle over to the small hut and hide behind its concrete walls. Ellie grabs her bow, notching an arrow and drawing the string back. The arrow goes flying as she releases and the arrowhead plunges deep into the skull of one of the men. "How did this happen, Ellie?" Xen asks quietly, her eyes glued on the bridge, searching for any more men. 

"This guy, David, he said we killed his men. He wants Joel and us." Xen senses more happened, because she somehow made it back, untouched, with medicine and food, but she just frowns tightly as she thinks of Joel.

Ellie aims down another man, and the arrow is lodged in his stomach. He groans and collides with the softness of the winter snow. "I think we're good," she breathes, beckoning Xen forward. It's funny, how a child leads a seasoned fighter like her through combat.

"Poor Callus," Ellie blurts our quietly, sighing at the thought of her dead horse. Xen says nothing, but pats the girls shoulder with some forced tenderness. They run towards the rocky, bridge thingy. They head up the steps, and remnants of a small wooden bridge remain. The water below is freezing. They'd go into shock and die, so Xen plans on not falling in.

"C'mon," she murmurs to Ellie, who frowns at the sight of scaling this thing. It's a short distance, at least. Xen begins to scale the narrow piece of wood. It creaks miserably beneath her boots and she halfheartedly embraces the possibility of dying.

Ellie is trembling slightly, her sneakers timid against the wood. "Don't fall in, don't fall in," she mutters to herself tremulously. "We'll be fine," Xen breathes. And they are.

They reach an even wooden path, and Ellie's body slumps modestly. Xen can hear distant yelling behind them. She assumes they've found the bodies of the men they took out, and she ushers Ellie forward. "We've gotta go."

They reach a frozen dirt path overlooking the water, and they crouch as they hear voices. "Fuck this," Xen snarls miserably. "I'm sorry, for leading them back," Ellie whispers as her sneakers crunch against the frozen leafs and twigs. Xen shakes her head. "Not your fault. There's always gonna be shitheads like this."

There's a tunnel, leading to something unknown. The metal is cold against Xen's knees and she hisses barely. Ellie is in front of her, crawling quickly through the confined space. They stand up and there's another tunnel. Xen groans. "I'm getting too old for this," she whispers, and Ellie snorts.

They crawl through partially, and some sort of wooden structure is blocking them. "Shit, I'll move it, stay here," Xen says, crawling back out of the tunnel and standing up breathlessly. She loops around the tunnel and sees a wooden cart full of rocks, and she groans quietly, before reaching forward and pulling it back. It's heavier than she anticipated and her muscles burn hotly, but it's nothing compared to the way her hip throbs. She imagines Joel, how'd he scold her for not breaking.

And she stops, because he'll consume her mind if she doesn't.

She lets go of the cart and she's breathing erratically as she runs back around, and clambers into the tunnel. "You did it!" Ellie whispers loudly, and Xen smiles the best she can. They make it all the way through the tunnel and there's a grand lodge on the other side. "If we go through there, we can circle back to Joel I think," Xen whispers, and Ellie nods.

They leap down, onto the snowy pavement and then crouch. "Cover the grounds! Make sure she's not hiding somewhere over here!" If Xen could get her hands on whoever the fuck this David man is, she'd be sure to give him a slow, pitiless death. They trudge through the snow and leap over the railing of the lodge.

The doors and windows are barred and Xen curses in a hushed whisper. "How the fuck do we get in?" Ellie asks. Xen's sullen eyes survey the area, and she spots two dumpsters, points at them. "Maybe there's something behind those." Ellie follows her towards the dumpsters. The girl pulls one and Xen pulls the other. She grimaces at how loud they are, and prays that the men won't come over.

Ellie's slower, not quite as strong as Xen. But with time, she's able to pull the dumpster away. There's an open window behind them. "Bingo." Ellie leaps down first and then Xen. Ellie quickly rummages through a drawer and find some ammo. They then creep up the wooden steps, and into the restaurant of the lodge. Xen find some alcohol and supplements on the floor, and quickly shoves it in her bag.

"Over there," Ellie whispers, nodding towards a window that leads into the lobby. They maneuver across the wooden floor and vault the broken window. They're meticulous as they sift through the room, and crouch low behind a couch. "They're on this side of the lodge!"

"Fuck," Xen whispers, grabbing Ellie and dragging her forward and down a short pair of steps, into a wide hallway. Bullets ricochet against walls and chairs, and Xen winces. They crouch again, turning into a large room that looks like a bar. They go unnoticed as they take cover behind the bar. Xen pulls her hunting rifle off of her back and looks into the scope.

She can see a man ducked behind a couch. She's quick to shoot him in the stomach, then shoulder. He cries out as he hits the ground. Ellie uses her bow, hits another man with an arrow. "You're good with that thing," Xen whispers, and Ellie smiles gently.

Xen turns and looks over the other side of the bar, shooting at a man ducked behind a coffee table. Her first shot narrowly misses and she curses beneath her breath. The second shot hits him in the head and his death is fast.

These bastards deserve much worse.

"Xen!" Ellie gurgles. Xen's heart nearly stops as she spins around, and Ellie is being strangled by a large, bestial man. She doesn't think, just acts as she shoots at his legs repeatedly. He falls back with a wail, and Ellie plunges her dagger into his throat.

"There," Xen breathes, pointing towards the door at the opposite end of the room. The two make a run for it, their hearts pounding violently and their feet smacking against the floor. Ellie tries to push the door open, but there's a cart blocking it. "Fuck," Xen grunts, slamming her weight against it until it bursts open. 

The frigid air lingers on their briefly skin, a taste of freedom, until a pair of arms drags Xen back in. The mans arm is tight around her throat. She cranes her head as much as she can to glance at Ellie, who is also being held by another man who holds a knife. Xen bucks wildly against him. "Ellie!" She chokes out.

She can feel her vision edging darkly, her breathing cut off. She feels weak as she hits the floor.


	17. told you not to worry

Xen's hip burns, pain growing worse like a crescendo. She groans, sitting up, her vision bleary as Ellie races over. "Xen..." she croaks, small hands wrapping around her bicep. And Xen's body slumps in relief at the sight of Ellie. "Fuck, are you ok?" Xen rasps, her eyes studying the room. Well, they're locked in a cage. So she supposes nothing's ok.

"Yeah...yeah.." Ellie breathes, nodding her head. She hears sudden cutting, like a knife being torn through meat. She immediately looks over, through the rusting bars of the cell, and the man who had Ellie stands there, chopping up something on a table.

And Xen's blood boils.

She crawls over, peeking through the bars, her eyes narrowing in on whatever he's slicing.

And she sees an arm. A human arm.

"Fuck!" Ellie gasps, writhing back towards the wall. And she looks truly horrified, pupils dilated and her prim mouth ajar. Xen muffles a hand over her mouth, shutting her eyes as she begins to feel queasy. She crawls over to a corner of the cell, hands aimlessly feeling the dirtied concrete floor.

And she pukes, sputtering helplessly into the ground. She moans weakly, and sits up, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She knows brutality, knows the hopeless pit of desperation, how survival can push a person to do unimaginable things, but this...she's never known this, mutilating another persons body and eating it. And she wonders if that's why they're here, to serve as someone's next meal.

Xen hears the man as his cutting stops. Sweat freezes on her own back as his footfalls sound. She spins around. It's dark outside the cage. Ellie is yanking on the bars of the cell, trying to force the door open with her own scrawny form. It's no use and they both know it.

"How are you feeling?" The man asks. There's something eldritch, sinister, in the way he speaks. His tone is soft but something depraved lurks beneath. Xen remains glued in her corner. He comes closer, standing in front of the barred door. She can see him, and she wishes she couldn't. His gaze is so predatory, makes her skin feel dirty, like she needs to scrub it raw, and he's not even looking at her.

He's looking at the girl.

And she knows, knows what he's thinking, because she's seen such volatile creatures before. She feels sick again. "Super," Ellie answers dryly. "Here," he says, passing a tray of food under the door. Ellie backs away.

"You two should eat."

And Xen almost laughs. 

Ellie glares at him uncertainly. "You've been out a long time. I know you want to eat." "What is it?" Ellie snarls, her fists clenching so hard that her knuckles flash white. "It's deer." Xen snorts. "With some human helping on the side?" Ellie asks, scoffing coldly.

The man shakes his head. "No. No, I promise. It's just the deer meat." Xen doesn't give two shits about his promise. She remains rigid in the corner, a ball of wound up, nervous energy. "You're a fucking animal," Ellie growls, before bending down and eating the meat. It's not funny, but it is in a twisted way as the girl desperately swallows the food on her hands and knees. Xen can't do it, because she doesn't trust a word he says. 

He glances at her in an eerie way that makes her skin crawl , and then shifts his gaze back to Ellie. "That's awfully quick to judgement," he chimes, bending down to her level. "Considering you and your friend killed how many men?" He asks, nodding towards Xen.

Xen doesn't bother justifying herself to such a repulsive piece of shit, but in her defensive manner, Ellie rises to the taunt.

"They didn't give us much of a choice," she murmurs between bites of food. The man chuckles darkly. "And you think we have a choice?" Xen laughs at this, because they do, because there's a line between survival and savagery. She's straddled the line, blurred it, but never fully crossed it.

"You kill to survive, and so do we. We have to take care of our own, by any means necessary," he explains lamely, and Xen twitches with the urge to reach between these stupid metal bars that trap her and gouge his demented eyes out with her own fingers. That would be gorgeous.

"So now what? You're gonna chop us into tiny pieces?" Ellie taunts from behind the enclosure. "I'd rather not," he says, and Xen realizes he has worse intentions. And how can he be worse than that? Worse than eating another person? Xen knows what's worse to her, and she won't let it happen to Ellie.

She'll die trying.

"Please, you two, tell me your names." "Why?" Xen asks, standing up from her corner. Ellie passes the tray back under the cell door roughly, then stands up. "You're so full of shit." 

He laughs dryly. "On the contrary, I've been, ah, quite honest with you both. Now I think it's your turn," he says, nodding towards Ellie. He fully stands and towers over the girl. Ellie's glaring up at him through the cell, but the quietest glimmer of fear lingers in her eyes.

"It's the only way I'm gonna be able to convince the others." Ellie steps back slightly, and Xen cuts her eyes at him. "Convince them of what?" Xen doesn't barter with him, because he has then locked in cages like slaughter. "That you can come around. You have heart, you're loyal...and you're special." He's speaking to Ellie. He has no interest in Xen. She's food.

And Ellie's something much darker.

His wrinkled hands blanket her small, cold ones. "Oh..." Ellie whispers, like she realizes what he implies. And Xen lurches forward, about to scream, poke through the bars and gouge his maddened eyes out of their sockets, but Ellie glances at her and shakes her head. The girl softens on command, plays into the mans perverted script.

She rests her other hand atop his, and something ominous flashes in his dark eyes. Xen's hands twitch and she has nothing to do, no one to kill, so she lets her nails dig into her own palms sharply. She's rigid as their hands connect and there's nothing she can do to stop it. And it's like a switch flips as Ellie's feigned demeanor, once tenderfoot and innocent, flips back to who she truly is. Smart and calculated,

Violent too.

And her small hands break his long finger.

He yelps loudly, stumbling backwards, and Ellie wears the smuggest grin Xen's ever seen as she lunges forward, reaching her thin arm through the bars and grabbing for his keys, which dangle on his belt tauntingly.

But he grabs her suddenly by her arm, and bangs her against the door repeatedly. And Xen lunges forward, her nails scratching at his arm, drawing blood, but he continues to smash her into the bars, and when he lets go, she falls to the ground weakly. Xen kneels down, a frantic feeling in her chest growing. Ellie groans, sitting up slightly as Xen's arms secure her back. "You stupid little girl!" He snarls, holding his mangled hand to his chest. 

"You are making it very difficult to keep you alive!" He hisses. "What am I supposed to tell the others now?" His chest heaves and Ellie scoots back, breathing hard and glancing up at him. He begins to trail off. She wipes the blood that leaks from her nose. "Ellie."

"What?" He scoffs, turning back around. "Tell them that...Ellie is the little girl..." she begins softly, pliably, in that inexperienced tone he drinks down like water. But her voice melts back into its true rage as he gazes at her expectantly. "The little girl that broke your fucking finger!" She spits. He chuckles dryly.

"How did you put it? Hmm? Tiny pieces?"

And Xen finds it so frustrating that she can't just beat this motherfucker to a pulp. "See you in the morning, Ellie." He leaves the room, and Xen gazes at Ellie in slight disbelief. Ellie glances at her breathlessly. "He's David."

_______________________________

Joel awakens with a gasp.

He yanks the blankets off of him, and pain consumes his torso like fire. He yelps loudly, clutching his stomach. He clambers to stand, eyes searching the room desperately. They're gone, Ellie and Xen, like they were never even real. "Ellie? Xen?" he calls out.

His backpack lies on the ground, and he leans over, the hot ache of his stomach making him grunt. He decides that he needs to learn to ignore the pain as he grows increasingly alarmed by their absence.

He knows something is wrong as he clambers up the steps. He's felt her there beside him, Xen. She's like a forlorn vision, a figment of his imagination, but no, she's real, tangible, as she would reach out and feel his forehead, give him medicine, make him eat, and let her hand rest on his blanket as she slept at night.

She talked. He straddled the line between reality and fantasy, couldn't ever make out what she said. But she was there. He knows it. Ellie would sit beside her, and through his blurry gaze, he'd watch them bicker quietly, watch Ellie return with a deer or rabbit, and the proud smile that she wore.

And he knows that he needs to find them, now.

He opens the door of the abandoned house they stay in. It's in complete disarray, just like every other vacant building in this world. "Where the hell are you two?" He murmurs to himself. He trudges into the garage, and leans over at the door, grunting as he pulls it up.

He stares out at the snow. The frigid air doesn't bite because he knows it well. He stumbles through the snow, glancing at abandoned houses and huts, desperately trying to find the girls. "Ellie!? Xen!?" He wanders down the path, grunting as he jogs the best he can.

"Shit, he's over there!" A voice yells, and Joel hangs his head. "Shit," he whispers, crawling behind a crate. He grabs his rifle and looks into the scope, aiming down a man in the powdery distance. He's shaky as he shoots the person in the stomach a few times, before ducking back down. "Move out! Don't let him get you!"

"Where the hell are they!?" Joel shouts, and he knows that they have answers.

He runs forward, and vaults a cobblestone wall, emitting a groan at the way his stomach presses against the cold stone. He hikes through the snow and through the wooden gate of a backyard. Dead bodies are strewn across the snow, their blood staining the white ground. And this isn't his handwork.

"Fuck," he hisses as he imagines what the hell could've happened to Ellie and Xen.

He crouches and sifts across the yard. There's a small storage container and he hoists himself onto it, the snow wetting his pants. He peeks over the fence, and two men stand there.

"He's over here!" "One way or another, you're gonna tell me where they are!" He spits, shooting repeatedly at a man running across the frozen terrain. "You're gonna pay for that!" The other one yells, and Joel makes a lucky shot, nestling a bullet in his skull.

He hops the fence and hits the soft ground, and the stabbing pain in his stomach is anything but. He hisses and stumbles forward, towards a small house. He drags himself up the steps and through the bedroom. He doesn't look the place, because he can't focus on anything but Xen and Ellie. The living room door is nailed shut, so he vaults the window.

Snow begins to fall and the flakes tickle his cheeks as he hops over a generator. A man almost immediately grabs him, wrapping his arm around his throat. Joel gargles weakly as another one appears with a gun. "Gotcha, asshole," he laughs brashly, his arm tightening around Joel's throat. 

Joel's stronger though, as he wrestles out of the lunatics grasp and kicks the other man in the legs harshly. "Shit," Joel grunts, slamming the man who held him into the wall of the house repeatedly, until he's barely hanging onto consciousness. Joel turns breathlessly, and lifts the other man up by his arms.

"You're comin' with me."


	18. blinded of the eyes, silence in the ears, darkness of the mind

His clunky boots smash against the mans stomach repeatedly, iron fists pounding into his face. There's blood everywhere, on Joel, the floor, the man himself too. One particular punch is too strenuous and Joel straightens up, clutching his stomach. He's surprised that he hasn't ripped his stitches yet. Figures Ellie and Xen would be pretty mad at him for that.

And he becomes more livid as he thinks of them.

"You wait here," he breathes, as if the man has an option, bound to a wooden chair. He circles around to the other man, grabbing a shiv off the table and dragging a chair over. Joel sits on it roughly. "The girl and woman... are they alive?" He asks, his chest heaving in ire.

"What woman? What girl? I don't know no woman or girl!" Joel's jaw clenches, and unadulterated wrath boils hotly in his stomach. He's never felt such ire, such uncontrollable need to maim and kill. And he thinks of Xen.

He plunges his shiv into the mans kneecap, because he knows she'd like that. The man cries out, howling loudly. "Fuck!" Joel pats his cheek maliciously. "Focus right here...right here... or I'll pop your god damn knee off."

"The woman. The girl."

And the man nods this time. 

"T-They're alive. Gonna kill the woman...the girl...she's David's newest pet."

Joel didn't think it was possible to feel more unforgiving, but the mans words ignite something brutally vehement. He twists the shiv, and the man yelps loudly. "Where?" Joel growls breathlessly. "In the town," he cries weakly. Joel removes the shiv, the blade noisily gliding through muscle and bone, then sticks the handle in the mans mouth. 

He then retrieves a yellowing map, and holds it up in front of the man. "Now, you're gonna mark it on the map, and it better be the same exact spot your buddy points to." Joel sees the pure fear in his eyes, the desperation, and he doesn't feel a thing.

But he knows, knows he will tell the truth out of fear for his own life.

The man leans forward and marks the spot with his own blood. "You can verify it! Go ask him," he insists desperately. Joel stands up, kicking the chair he once sat in. He circles around the man and strangles him with just his arm, his force brute and animalistic. It's a shame he wasted so much of Joel's time.

The man gargles, before going limp.

The other man, beaten and bloodied, protests. "Fuck you man! He told you what you wanted!" Joel ignores his frothing and picks up a baseball bat. It drags against the floor noisily. "I ain't telling you shit," he hisses in defiance, thrashing against the rope binding him to the chair.

And Joel just shakes his head.

"That's alright. I believe him."

And he almost likes to see the man beg for his life, right as the bat smashes his bloodied face in.

________________________________

"Wakey wakey," the voice snarls. And Xen's eyes shoot open. A man, not David this time, but almost as disgusting, hoists her up by her arms. She thrashes against him, on the verge of breaking free, but his hands are ironclad around her as he drags her out.

Another one drags Ellie out while she bucks against him fiercely. David comes forward once they're dragged out of the cage. He grabs Xen's shoulder, and it's almost instinctive as her teeth sink into his musty flesh. He yelps loudly and she's suddenly slammed onto a table.

Her hip aches unimaginably.

"I warned you," David seethes, glancing at Ellie with a wicked grin, his chest heaving. She's restrained by a man in the corner, who holds her puny arms tightly. David raises a butchers knife, preparing to bring it down across Xen's throat, and it's instinct as she yells out the only thing the can think of. "Wait! I'm infected!" 

It's her only chance at escaping.

The other man alongside her glances at David, his mouth ajar. "Really?" David laughs. Xen almost smiles. "And so are you." Xen cocks her head. "It's on my shoulder. Look." David's grip loosens and he glances at the other man, wearing a malicious grin. "I'll play along." She sits up. He roughly unzips her coat and yanks it off of her, his fingers rough and hurtful against her back as he rips the black shirt she wears beneath her coat.

He moves her hair and can see it. The bite mark, adorned with cysts and bubbles of puss.

David's grin melts into a grimace as he glances up at the other man. "What'd you say? Everything happens for a reason, right?" Ellie chimes from the corner, continuing to thrash against the man that holds her.

The man on the other side of Xen backs up. "What the hell is that?" He snarls. "She would've turned by now. It can't be real!" David argues. "Looks pretty fuckin' real to me!" 

David moves aside, distracted by this detrimental revelation. And Xen takes this slim opportunity to grab his butchers knife. She plunges it into the other mans throat, and then chucks it at the man holding Ellie. It impales his knee and he collapses pathetically.

Ellie rushes over as David fires his gun. They duck behind the table Xen was just being held down on. David moves around, and so do they, racing around and leaving the room just as he fires another bullet. Ellie's dagger is left on the metal shelf of the next room and she grabs it. They can hear David yelling tauntingly.

They then vault the window, and they're in the harsh snow. Xen's not wearing a coat, the back of her shirt torn. She shivers violently, clutching the bloodied butchers knife hard. 

It's a blizzard, snow flakes flying every which way and blinding the two. "Fuck," Ellie hisses, shielding her face with the back of her arm as cold droplets freeze against her skin.

They sprint aimlessly down an ally. Gunfire sounds and they run faster. "Here," Xen breathes, nodding towards a metal door. Her and Ellie crouch, then crawl inside. It's some sort of old pet store. "We heard gunshots!" One of David's men yells. "There," Ellie whispers, nodding towards an open window that leads into another building.

Xen follows after her, hopping through the window and into the next one over. "Tired of this shit...he's crossed the line this time," another says begrudgingly. They maneuver around more shelves and dive through another window. The snow soaks Xen and she shivers uncontrollably. They're in another alleyway, and Ellie leads her forward.

They crawl behind crates. There's a faint orange lantern a few feet away, and they clamber towards it. The fire warms Xen briefly, until they scamper away at the close sound of a mans voice. "Where the hell are these bitches?"

They dart through a short alleyway and Ellie sighs. "They're everywhere," she whispers. Postal service trucks are scattered around, bins of fire lighting the path through the blizzard. "Over there," Ellie instructs, pointing towards a dumpster. Xen follows after her, teeth chattering and her mind numbed by the elements. They hoist themselves onto the bin, and then onto a rooftop. 

The men's voices are eerily close by. Xen's knuckles flash white around the butchers knife. Ellie drags the woman by her wrist, towards a metal fence with a sizable hole. They crawl through, the metal slicing against Xen's skin barely. It's bitter coldness hurts more.

They trudge around an abandoned car and through a wooden gate. There's a narrow space between two huts and they squeeze through it. "Place is a damn maze," Ellie murmurs, and Xen simply nods agreeably. She's so cold that she can't even form words.

There's a brick building with a loading deck. They lift themselves onto it and crawl forward. There's a space between two buildings they can fit through. Xen would've missed it if Ellie hadn't dragged her roughly by her hand.

There's a gaping hole in the building and they crawl through. Brash voices are so close. Two men loop around the store, and Ellie drags Xen forwards the window carefully. They vault it and there are more lit bins in the distance.

"Over there," Xen murmurs. They shuffle through the snow towards the large building. It has brick columns and double doors. As they get closer, Xen can feel the warmth of the fire. "I'm gonna find you.." a man yells out.

And they run away from the brick building, down an alleyway. So many alleyways, so many buildings, so much snow. It's all dizzying. "Here," Ellie gasps, nodding towards a dumpster, and an open window above it. Ellie is first time climb onto the dumpster and through the window. Xen follows.

It's a kitchen, some sort of restaurant. They stand up fully, and shuffle through the doors, into the main area. They quickly weave around tables and broken dishes. Xen pushes open the front door of the restaurant, only to be shoved back inside by David. "You're easy to track," he snarls, shoving her into a table, then into the floor. He aims a gun at Xen as she hits the ground. She would groan at the impact but she's so numb from the cold. Ellie kneels alongside her, clutching her dagger shakily.

"How did you do it?" He asks.

Xen scampers backwards, and he lets her. She supposes that he wants the thrill of the chase, that he feeds off of the trepidation of a young girl. Her and Ellie huddle together behind a booth. "That's alright. There's nowhere to go." She can hear him locking the door.

"Fuck," Xen mutters, crawling around dishes and towards the back of the line of booths. Ellie follows her. "You want out? You're gonna have to come get these keys," he says, jiggling the keys tauntingly. She clutches her knife tightly, slowly maneuvering around tables.

"I know you're not infected. No one that's infected fights this hard to stay alive!" He calls out. He's walking down the other line of booths smugly. Xen quickly scampers around to the next line. She can see the back of his head and runs forward, plunging the knife into his back.

He groans loudly, and throws her off of him. She quickly darts towards the kitchen. Gunshots sound and she narrowly avoids them. He holsters his gun and pulls out something larger. A machete. 

Xen's stomach turns and she squeezes her eyes shut, trying to control herself as her arms shake. Ellie's still in the seating area, darting around booths, tracking David silently. Her heart lurches as the fire bin tips over, and flames spread quick. "Fuck," Xen moans weakly, at the stabbing pain in her hip, at the fear coursing through her, at the way she shivers. She's done with all of this shit.

She leaves the kitchen, lurking around the buffet table of the restaurant, gripping her knife fiercely. She peeks over the table. Ellie lunges at David from behind, driving her dagger into his shoulder. He howls and Ellie is thrown off of his back harshly, but she scampers away, her body trembling slightly. "Run, little rabbit, run!" He snarls.

Xen reaches down to steady herself, but as her fingers graze over her hip, she feels blood. It's warm and soaks through the thin fabric of her shirt. She's shivering violently despite the roaring flames that slowly consume the place, and she hisses at the steering pain in her hip as she sinks to the floor. There's so much blood, now leaking through to her pants.

And she just lies there as her vision darkens.

______________________________

Joel's on a rampage.

He sprints through the snow. Despite the livid pain in his stomach, he's reached the town. He runs behind trucks and buildings. He can hear the brute chatter of men and his ire grows. 

He jumps into an empty freight truck, not thinking, only acting, his intent to rescue Ellie and Xen. He tries not to think about what's happened to them, or what is happening to them. He lugs himself through the truck and back onto the soft snow. He crouches behind cars as he trails down the snowy street, voices of these brutal men lingering behind him.

He vaults a short wall, and scampers through an alleyway. There's a building, and he pushes the metal door open, his chest heaving as he crouches again. He pulls the heavy door shut, then switches on his flashlight.

There's a metal shelf, full of clothes and bags. He recognizes two of them. Ellie's dirtied navy and green backpack, and Xen's grey, tattered one. His stomach turns violently. Where the hell are they? He grabs the bags in one hand, holding his flashlight in the other. He fully stands and shuffles into the other room, and he stumbles back at the pungent smell of corpses.

Dead bodies hang from the ceiling, their arms tied and bodies stripped. "Oh Christ..." he whispers shakily, his chest rising and falling rapidly as a queasy feeling spikes at his gut. And for the slightest moment, the grotesque image of Xen in that same position flashes in his mind, and he gasps, the pain of that vision manifesting itself in a physical way, like a blade has been dug through his flesh. 

He needs to find them. Now.

He leaves the room and enters one with a counter and windows. It's a butchers shop, selling human meat. Joel scowls sternly, and wonders how a person can devolve in such a depraved way, how the very base level morals of a human are bent so unnaturally. Sure, he's been debased in some way, done things he never imagined, but this... this transcends depravity. He opens the front door of the place.

Through the blizzard, he can see a large building, swallowed in red flames. "Holy shit."

_______________________________

Xen regains consciousness slowly. Her hip feels like someone's stabbed it over and over again, her head light as she sits up with a weak grunt. Her vision's blurry as she stumbles to her feet and around the restaurant.

She hears his voice, and Ellie struggling.

It's coming from the back. She crouches again, nearly losing her balance, but her fingertips press against the ground, and she slowly crawls into the back kitchen. Broken plates crunch beneath her boots and slice her hands, but she's too focused to react as she enters the kitchen. David is overtop of Ellie, his hand ironclad around her throat.

Xen doesn't have her knife, or any other weapon as she mindlessly runs in, tackling him into the floor and interrupting his depraved monologue. He grunts and Ellie clambers to stand up, coughing and gasping.

"Go!" Xen shouts. Ellie tries to shake her head but Xen screeches it firmly this time. "Go! Now!" And the girl looks regretful as she hesitantly scampers off, always looking back. David is now the one to shove Xen to the ground, holding her still with his knee. His hand wraps around her throat and she gasps. 

"Couldn't just leave it be, could ya?" He snarls. "Fuck you," Xen chokes out. He laughs cruelly as her vision goes blurry. She raises her hands above her head, feeling around the any sort of weapon clumsily. "I'll get her too, Y'know. I'll make her loyal, strong. And you'll be gone." A strangled laugh leaves her throat, because she knows Ellie will never submit to anyone.

Her fingers wrap around something, a knife, she assumes. She lifts her arms, despite the heavy weight of the weapon, and plunges the blade into his shoulder, interrupting his frothing. It's his machete. And there's something so delicious, so excellent about watching his own blood stain his own knife. 

He cries out loudly at the searing pain of such a sharp edge. She climbs overtop of him breathlessly, and something rotten and pitiless consumes her. She wants to watch him die.

No mercy, not a grain of humanity. It's her turn to smile wickedly at his pathetic screams. She raises her arms and the machete cuts clean through his face. She loves how he bleeds, screeches like an animal in his suffering.

So she keeps on doing it.

She almost laughs at the way he died in such pain, his blood splattering onto her own clothes and face. Over and over and over again. He's dead, so so dead, but she won't stop. She can't. She's grunting loudly as she hacks him apart, for the way he spoke to Ellie, the way he caressed Ellie pervertedly, the way he tried to kill Xen, the way he let Joel be alone.

Every transgression leaks out into a sharp blow of the machete.

"Xen!" Strong arms wrap around her waist. She knows it's him by his scent of fire and sage, by his stern southern drawl, but she protests. "No!" She grunts, trying to lunge forward, but he drags her back again, prying the machete out of her shaky hands. He turns her around, holds her still in his lap, his hands desperately rubbing her back. "It's me, it's me," he breathes over and over, gazing at her and feigning calmness, despite the way his heart lurches at the sight of her bloodied face and hands.

She's breathing hard, her fingers gripping his suede jacket tight. His vast hands are warm as they travel up to cup her icy face. Her cheeks are reddened from the cold, her body shivering violently.David's blood travels from her skin to his, stains his hands. "Joel," she breathes, leaning forward. He's alive. Not murdered by David's men, killed by his own sickness, but he's real, touchable and warm.

Her nose brushes against his. He's inhaling her exhales, his thumbs tenderly stroking her cheekbones. "I should've made him suffer more," she whispers, and Joel shakes his head. "No, no," he breathes, his hands moving to her neck delicately. She leans in, pressing herself into his warm chest and letting her lips connect with his. She groans in relief against him. Months of forlorn dreams and repressed truths explode and she feels safe as his hands drop down to her waist. She decides she won't do this any longer, won't hold back.

She then pulls away, not because she wants to but because of the growing flames. And she thinks of Ellie. "Did you see her? Did you see Ellie?" Xen gasps urgently. "I got her out," he mumbles, shrugging off his suede jacket and wrapping it around Xen. It's so fucking warm.

He leads her out, lets David's body burn sweetly in the flames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i hope you all enjoyed this chapter. will these two stubborn ass bitches get it together and FINALLY establish something👀?


	19. give your tears to the tide

*•.¸♡ 𝑺𝑷𝑹𝑰𝑵𝑮 ♡¸.•*

****  
"Ellie?" Xen calls out. The girl is unmoving as she reads a sign. "Ellie!?" Joel yells, and she quickly turns around at his louder voice. They wave her over. "Look, the hospital. This is where we get off," Joel calls out, pointing towards the large building in the distance. Ellie crosses the street. "Lets go, kiddo."

She walks in front of Joel and Xen. The grass is green again and tickles Xen's ankles. Birds chirp and the atmosphere is perfectly warm. "You feel that breeze, huh?" Joel laughs. Xen smiles faintly and nods. "Yep. I used to paint and draw in the park on days like this," Xen explains, her heart sinking slightly at the unattainable memories of life before.

She thought she'd be over that by now.

"I tell ya, on a day like this, I'd just sit on my back porch, pick away at my six string," he reminiscences quietly, pleasantly. Xen hums in acknowledgment. It's weird, to imagine him relaxed, finding security in the simplicity of the countryside and a guitar. She notices the way Ellie slouches slightly, a permanent frown on her face. It's been this way, ever since David.

His name just makes her skin crawl.

She eventually told Xen that she felt upset, traumatized from what had happened. Her and Joel do everything they can to comfort her, but how can you be comforted, after someone takes you like that? With such evil intent?

Xen doesn't know. Ellie sure as hell doesn't.

"Y'know, once we're done with this whole thing, I'm gonna teach you both how to play guitar. Yeah, I'd reckon you'd really like it," he promises, wearing a quiet smirk. Xen raises her eyebrows. "Oh really? You should sing for me first," she says passively, and Joel shrugs.

"Whenever you paint for me."

She groans and elbows him gently. His touch is something amorous as his hand sneaks around her waist and he squeezes her hip quickly, tenderly, before pulling away. They aren't boyfriend-girlfriend, nothing established. She doesn't quite know how to do that yet. But they're loving, tender, touchy.

And they want more. There isn't exactly much time for the more that they dream of.

Pressing Xen about their relationship is about the only thing that lifts Ellie's spirits, so the woman lets her. She's always asking what they are, and Xen always says nothing or that she doesn't know yet. She's always asking if Joel tells her any secrets, and Xen just shakes her head. The only thing she lets the girl in on is how she feels, which is awfully similar to that four lettered word that she can't choke out.

"Whaddya say, Ellie, huh?" He asks. The girls head drops and she looks lost in a world of her own. Xen's heart sinks gravely. Joel frowns, not sternly or angrily, but sadly. He's gotten better at talking, sometimes opening up about his life, his emotions. He tells stories and smiles just a smidge bit more. He's...kind of content?

It's strange but Xen likes it.

And despite her reluctance to admit it, she's changed too, her dark, steel edges ever so dull as she relearns the skill of loving a person—no, people, actually, just in different ways.

Ellie's head shoots up, her eyes wide as she glances at Joel. "Huh? Oh yeah! Yeah, that sounds great," she exclaims forcefully, wearing a lopsided half smile that Xen can see through.

They loop around abandoned cars covered in moss and vines, large greyhound buses piled high with corpses, it's all white noise at this point. "I dreamt about flying the other night," Ellie blurts our quietly. "Oh yeah?" Joel asks.

"Yeah," she confirms. Joel glances at her, nodding expectantly. "Go on, tell me about it." 

“So, I'm on this big plane full of people, and everyone's screaming and yelling 'cause the plane's going down...so I walk in the cockpit, open the door, but there's no pilot. I try to use the controls but...I obviously have no clue how to fly a plane. And right before we crash, I wake up," she explains as they walk leisurely down the abandoned highway.

"I've never been on a plane. Isn't that weird?" Ellie asks. Xen shakes her head. "I haven't either," she admits. She had only been sixteen when this shit went down, after all. Ellie hums. "Well, Y'know, dreams are weird," Joel says, shrugging his broad shoulders.

They wind down the highway, looping around more cars and signs. They can see the hospital in the distance. Xen's stomach churns. She's embarrassed by how afraid she is as she wonders what will happen to them. Hopefully nothing big, maybe some blood samples? She's not sure, and she won't be until they arrive.

"Look at that...another city, another abandoned quarantine zone," Joel comments, nodding towards the skyscrapers and other structures left motionless, abandoned, more remnants of life before.

"We should be safe here," Xen says, nodding curtly. Joel leaps onto a van, then over the bus blocking their path. Ellie and Xen follow after him. "Hey—you nervous?" Xen whispers to Ellie, who shrugs. "A bit. You?" "I'm shitting myself." Ellie laughs quietly as they vault the bus. "I'm sure it'll be fine, something small probably," Ellie assures quietly.

"I hope so."

Joel joins Xen, lingering close by her side. She looks down, and likes how her nimble fingers brush against Joel's large hand. He glances up at her, dark eyes boring into hers. She looks into his eyes and something that lied dormant for many years reawakens within her. She shivers quietly and looks away. She’s getting distracted. They enter a building. It looks like an abandoned train station.

Xen sifts through left behind suitcases and bags, while Ellie wanders around the room aimlessly. Joel rummages through boxes and shelves, finding some gauze and explosives. Xen finds a few gears. Joel circles back towards Ellie, who sits on a bench, letting her head hang. "Everything alright?" He asks, narrowing his eyes at her. "Yep. I'm fine."

He knows she's not fine.

"You just seem kinda...extra quiet today," he comments, letting out a sigh. Xen watches them from the corner, and melts at how Joel has softened over the past year, but frowns at how Ellie looks so solemn. "Oh...sorry," she says. "No, it's not..." Joel begins, before pausing and sighing. "It's fine." He nervously itches the back of his neck, before trailing off. Xen watches Ellie from the corner of her eye as she digs through another untouched suitcase.

"We could use this ladder," Joel calls loudly from the opposite end of the station. Xen stops her rummaging and jogs towards him. He glances at Ellie expectantly, and Xen shakes her head. "She's having a rough time. I'll do it," she whispers, and Joel frowns tightly, but nods. "Alright, that'll work."

He bends down, and Xen places her foot in his hand. He lifts her up and she clambers onto the balcony of the train station. She stands up and grabs the ladder, placing it on the lower level. "Ellie," she calls out. And the girl doesn't respond. "Ellie?" Joel calls louder, and the girl seemingly snaps out of her dreary haze, and hops up from her seat. Xen looks over her shoulder. And her eyebrows knit together.

Shadows of...animals? They move against the window. "Hurry up, Ellie. You've gotta see this," she murmurs as the girl climbs up the ladder. Ellie glances up at Xen suspiciously as she lifts herself up onto the balcony. She looks over at the windows, and her mouth falls open.

"Oh my god."

She drags Xen by her wrist, who eagerly follows behind the girl. "C'mon, Joel!" She yells, running fast down the hall. They dart into a room, with a large hole in the wall. They can see the giraffes partially, and Ellie laughs in disbelief. "Are you kidding me?"

She drags Xen through that room and down another hall, made of glass covered in moss and vines, and she nearly gasps at the sight of the giraffes, frolicking peacefully in the grass. "Hurry up, Joel!" Xen yells. She can hear his heavy boots clunking against the floor. Her and Ellie enter a room, it's walls ripped out and perturbed, but it's so perfect as the giraffes linger right in front of them, untouched by the madness around them.

"This is crazy.." Ellie whispers. Joel runs in, and his footfalls seize once he sees them. "Shit," he whispers. Xen turns, gazing at him incredulously. He steps closer towards the giraffe. "Shhh...don't scare it," Ellie whispers harshly. "I won't...I won't..." Joel replies gently as he steps in front of the giraffe.

"What are you doing?" Ellie asks in disbelief as Joel extends his arm forward, his large hand tender against the giraffes fur. Xen stands there, stunned at his gentility, at the giraffes calmness. "It's alright..." Joel says softly as he pets the creature. He beckons Xen and Ellie over. Ellie hesitantly walks over, and Xen stands alongside her.

"Go on," Joel mutters to Ellie, stepping away from the giraffe. She's so hesitant, yet so fond as her small hand brushes against the giraffe. She looks so staggered, yet happy for once as she pets the wild animal gently. 

"Hey there," she coos, laughing quietly. And Xen's heart is bursting. She realizes that Ellie is her balance, her light in the darkness, and that she will die for her. The maternal love she harbors is poignant in this moment, overpowering her as she turns away, and trails off into the corner. She feels her eyes growing wet and warm. She doesn't want Ellie to see.

Joel notices, because why would he not? And follows after her. Ellie remains there, leisurely stroking the animals fur. His sweeping hands are gentle as they fall against her shoulders. "You alright?" He asks quietly. Her curls shield her face, and her tears drip against her boots.  
She shakes her head. "M' fine."

Joel circles around her, his hands tenderly lifting her head and brushing her hair out of her face. She sniffles and laughs quietly as her chin quivers. How silly. "This is just...a really good moment," she whispers, peeking over her shoulder at Ellie, and feeling more tears drip down her cheeks. Joel nods in acknowledgement, and for this moment, he lets his fingers remain soothing on her cheeks.

"I love her, Joel, like..." she doesn't finish, but Joel understands what she's trying to say, and hums. "And it scares me," she admits in a hushed tone, looking back at him. His forehead is creased and he nods. "I know. But don't be scared right now, alright? She's ok, Xen."

She glances up at him and nods, quickly wiping her eyes and cheeks. His gaze lingers on her, and she leans forward, pressing the softest kiss against his jaw. She feels him smile against her.

"Joel! Xen! Follow me!"

They pull away from each other and head back outside. Ellie's running into another room, and Joel laughs quietly. "Slow down, kiddo." They run up the steps, and Xen's heart is warm, for once in her life. "Hurry up! C'mom c'mon!"

They reach the rooftops, and Ellie laughs. "Oh man...wow.... look at those things," she sighs happily. She rests her arms atop the remnants of a wall, gazing out at the giraffes as they sift through the grass peacefully. Xen stands alongside her. Joel does too. She stares out at the abandoned city, and the hospital.

Her stomach turns.

"So...this everything you two were hoping for?" Joel asks. Xen shrugs, because she's scared out of her mind. "It's got its ups and downs," Ellie murmurs, smiling faintly. "You can't deny the view though."

Xen glances at Joel, Ellie, the giraffes.

She realizes the world isn't as worthless as she once thought. There's balance and light, something to live for maybe. "Hey, can I just read a few comics right here? Just a little bit of time to relax?" Ellie asks timidly.

Joel glances at Xen hesitantly, who shrugs. "Ah...yeah, sure kiddo."

Ellie cracks a smile, and sits down with her backpack.

"You guys can find something to do, I'm sure."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut ahead y’all😳

She's laughing quietly as Joel corners her against the brick wall of a small room. His strong arms frame either side of her head, and she smirks mischievously. "What're we gonna do now?" She asks quietly, letting her fingers roam across the column of his neck. She feels like the girl she was before the apocalypse, young and observant and full of passion.

He shuts his eyes, humming contently as her fingers caress his skin. "Whatever you want." She nods her head as her fingers trail down his shirt, and tuck into the waistband of his pants. She pulls him closer, and he opens his eyes, smiling ever so slightly.

He leans down, resting his face against her shoulder, his nose pressed against her flesh. She smells of gunpowder and carnage. He inhales her scent like it's his lifeblood, peppering kisses across her shoulder and neck. Her hands fumble with his belt, and his hands travel beneath her tank top, warming her skin completely. She gasps quietly at the sudden heat against her skin.

"You're so warm," she murmurs, letting her hand dip into his boxers. And she loves the way she can feel his smug smirk melt into a look of unadulterated pleasure as his mouth falls agape against her neck. Her hand moves against his shaft, and his hands roam beneath her tattered sports bra. She groans quietly and wraps her free arm around his waist.

This feels surreal, like some sort of fever dream as she strokes him, hugs him close to her body selfishly, stealing his warmth and inhaling his exhales. She hadn't even dreamed of this for very long, because the realization of what she wants had been so jarring, so sudden and violent.

He picks his head up from her shoulder, his chest heaving against hers as he leans in and greedily kisses her, rough and vehement yet tender in a way. He groans against her mouth as her hand tightens around him and her motions speed up. He can feel himself teetering in the edge, and his vast hand wraps around her wrist, pulling her hand away from him.

"M' gonna finish too soon," he breathes, his lips ghosting her own. She just nods, dizzy and feverish from the deprived intimacy. Her fingers are nimble as she unzips her cargo pants and yanks them down her legs. Joel's hands leave her chest and she sighs.

His fingers trail down the defined muscles of her stomach, and he caresses her and gazes at her with an adoring look she doesn't think she deserves. His fingers travel down her naval, and into her underwear. A wave of pleasure ripples through her entirely as Joel's fingers rub her clit expertly. 

"Fuck," she hisses, leaning forward and pressing wet, hurried kisses across his throat. He groans quietly and his fingers press harder against her. His skin is tan and his freckles are showing beneath the sun. She likes how he feels against her, slightly domineering but shockingly loving beneath her hands and eyes.

"You're good at that," she murmurs, kissing up his jaw lovingly. A dark laugh rumbles through him like thunder. That sound makes her stomach turn, sharp and unlit around it's edges in a way she hasn't heard before. She leans back against the wall, burrowing her head back against the cement as Joel's fingers move in a perfect rhythm against her. They lose their durability in each each other's arms, and melt into something soft and deprived. Xen lets it happen, because she needs this, needs him.

Her erratic breath is hot against Joel's neck, tickles his skin gently. She feels herself getting closer to something she's missed, a white hot coil forming in her stomach. Joel can see how her chest is flustered and her muscles tighten, and he withdraws his hand from her panties.

Her eyes shoot open, and she grabs his wrist. "Why'd you stop?" She hisses, and he laughs darkly against her. "Be patient.” His fingers dig into the sides of her underwear, dragging them down her thighs. Her stomach turns at the way his fingernails brush against her skin.

He lifts her thigh, positions himself against her barely. "You ok with this?" He asks quietly. Xen nods. "Are you?" He nods too. And he slowly pushes himself into her. His fingers rub gently at her clit and she feels her lips fall ajar. "Joel..." she moans weakly, overwhelmed at the way he teases her, the way his nails dig into the flesh of her thigh, the way his dusky eyes bore into her and how his mouth falls open.

She decides that he’s perfect to her.

He fully slides into her and she muffles a groan against his shoulder, letting her mouth kiss his warm skin. "Fuck, you feel so good," he rasps, bucking into her slowly. His pace is deliberate and unbearably teasing. She leans back against the wall, and Joel leans forward, teeth grazing and lips kissing at the jagged scars on her face, once delicate flesh spoiled. She wrinkles her nose. “I don't like my scars," she whispers, and he shakes his head, letting his mouth trail down to her jaw. "I love 'em," he grunts, and she lets out a deep breath of frustration. "Go faster," she murmurs, and he shakes his head.

"What? Think you can't keep up with me?" She taunts breathlessly, smiling halfheartedly. He glances at her with a challenging look and laughs darkly. "You've got no idea."

His hips snap up against hers and she can feel her face heat up. He maintains hold of this dauntingly gratifying pace, and she wraps an arm over his broad shoulders to hold herself up. He peppers kisses over her chest, snuffing out a groan against her sweet flesh.

She's roused something in him that had lied dormant for many years, the sin of the flesh, how badly he suddenly needed it, and vice versa. "Didn't think you could be so fast, old man," she taunts breathlessly as his hips buck against hers. It's funny to poke at him, because why does she bother when she's below him? She knows he'll never hold all the cards, because he wants this as much as she does. 

He chuckles against her neck, and she smiles slightly as he lifts his head. "I've been thinking of this, since Fall," he pants admittedly, and she laughs hazily, dizzied at the mounting pressure in between her legs. "Have you thought of it?" He asks, and he sounds almost... insecure? Unsure of himself?

And she answers him without words.

She kisses his lips hungrily, greedily, wants to hold him there and keep him there, drink down his darkness and his tenderness and his touch, she wants everything. He likes this answer. She moans against his mouth as his fingers rub against her faster and his pace somehow doubles. The pleasure is dizzying and his nails must draw blood from how deeply they dig into her flesh. His breath is sporadic against her ear and she smiles hazily.

That four letter word pounds like a second heart, bright and throbbing and uncertain. She can't say it, because she doesn't know how to, not in the profound, intricate way she means it with someone like Joel. 

So she settles for a chaste kiss against his jaw.

He groans quietly and his murky eyes burn into her with a heart stopping intensity. Her nails scratch against his shoulders and his fingertips ghost her pulse point. "Joel..." she grunts quietly, feeling that familiar, dearly missed, white hot coil in her stomach. Her leg tightens around him and he finds it in him to move faster. "C'mon, darlin'," he whispers, his teeth grazing her neck.

Her mouth opens, because the pleasure is so towering and she can't hold back, but Joel saves her by clamping his own hand against her mouth. She writhes beneath him as her body burns with desire and relief, a sudden euphoria washing over her like a tide. Her dim eyes are blown wide and she feels like a piece of herself has been restored, a missing part, retrieved from the girl she was before this.

She's missed this sort of contact dearly.

Joel's hand uncovers her mouth and she's breathing hard, coming down from her high as he continues to ram into her, close to his own release. His thumb trails down her cheek, dragging her bottom lip down and he groans, leaning forward and burying his face in her neck.

"Pu-Pull out," she breathes. He obliges, not because he wants to but because he cannot imagine a child in this world, in their world, and Xen's hand moves to his dick, stroking him fast. His hand wanders up her shirt again and she smiles contently at his quiet moans and groans, until he finally releases against her thighs.

His chest is heaving, and they just stand there for a moment, warm in each others arms, coming down from what just happened. He listens to her heart thumping, and memorizes the erratic beat like a song. Her arms are secure around his shoulders and her lips are pressed tenderly to his chest.

She likes it here.

"That wasn't so bad," she murmurs, and he scoffs, pulling away from her. She smiles faintly and leans back against the wall. Joel pulls his boxers and pants up, before kneeling down and digging into his backpack, retrieving a rag, and tossing it to Xen. She wipes the cum off of her thighs haphazardly.

"I'm assuming you won't want this?" She asks, waving the rag mockingly, and he rolls his eyes. "No." She tosses it into the corner and pulls her underwear and pants back up hurriedly. She puts on her backpack and moves her hair over.

Joel gazes down at her, wearing a smug smirk. She narrows her dull eyes at him. "What?"

He steps forward, large hands moving her curly hair from her shoulders. "You've got a shit ton of hickeys," he murmurs, clicking his tongue. She lets out a groan, knowing that Ellie won't live this down. "Your fault," she sighs, feeling her neck self consciously. He shrugs.

"You started it. C'mon, lets go get Ellie."

They walk side by side. As they round the corner, Xen suddenly stops Joel, grabbing his wrist. He turns towards her, raising an eyebrow. She has a hard time spitting the words out, opens her mouth a few times but then shuts it. "I uh...." she clears her throat.

"Thanks, for taking us here," she chokes out, forcing a half smile. Joel just nods, and glances at her momentarily. "We don't have to do this. You know that, right?" He asks, crossing his brawny arms over his chest. Xen shrugs.

"What's the other option?"

There's another, she knows, to go live happily with Joel and Ellie in some settlement. But they won't be happy, will they? The possibility of a vaccine gone undiscovered, their purpose as immune folk gone. So no, there's actually not another option. "Go back to Tommy's, just be done with this whole damn thing," Joel says, almost pleadingly. His gaze has softened slightly, a strange desperation in his eyes.

Xen shakes her head. "After all we've been through? Everything that Ellie's done?"

Joel just sighs. Xen's hand is planted firmly on his chest. "It can't be for nothing." Joel doesn't argue any further, just nods. He knows Xen, knows she won't be persuaded. And he won't try to. She presses a gentle kiss to his scruffy cheek, and something warm and hospitable he's still not used to blossoms in his chest.

They walk down the hall and open the door to the rooftop. Ellie sits on the floor, her legs crossed and her nose stuffed in a torn comic book. She can be a girl for this short period of time, read and think and let the wind ripple through her clothes. "Hey," Joel says, stepping forward. Ellie looks over her shoulder, smiling at them. "Hey. You guys ready?"

"As we'll ever be."

_______________________________

They walk down a rusty stairwell, their flashlights clutched tightly in their hands. Joel is quiet, stiff, and Xen notices. "Look, I know you mean well, but there's no halfway with this. Once we're done, we'll go wherever you want, okay?" She promises quietly, and she means it. It’s strange, to silently realize that you would willingly spend your life with a person, live out the rest of your sporadic days by someone’s side. Joel scoffs. "Well, I ain't leavin' without ya, so let's go wrap this up."

They enter some old, scrappy part of the train station, and perform their usual routine of digging through bins and drawers for supplies. They find a few things, then step outside. It's an abandoned FEDRA zone, vacant tents sprinkled across the lot. A chuckle rumbles through Joel. "This sure does bring back memories." "How so?" Ellie asks.

"It was right after everythin' went down. Ended up in a triage just like this," he explains as they trudge past defunct tents. "Man, everywhere you looked, you just..." he pauses, sighing, almost sadly. "Saw families torn apart. The whole damn world seemed to have turned upside down in a blink." 

Xen remembers it, vaguely. And she knows that sounds bad. How does she not remember it vividly, intimately like her own skin? She supposes it's the other traumas she faced after, how memories became muddled in her mind like a grey sludge. Some things, the scarce happy things, she wishes she could recall, something to make the cruel days and nights a little bit less unbearable.

Ellie trails after him, frowning solemnly. She's timid as she asks yet another question. "Is that after you lost Sarah?" Xen sees the way he tenses up, a glint of raw misery flashing in his eyes. But he doesn't get mad, doesn't resent the girl for her curiosity. "Yes, it was."

"I...I can't imagine losing someone you love like that, losing everything you know. I'm sorry, Joel," Ellie says gently, shaking her head. He frowns, in an oddly heartbreaking way for someone like him. "It's ok, Ellie."

And Xen's own heart aches as she briefly thinks of her own kin.

A few silent moments pass as they walk through the abandoned QZ, until Ellie speaks again. "I've uh...I've got something for you." The three stop, and Ellie reaches into her back pocket, retrieving a crumpled, worn photograph. "Here. Maria showed this to me and I uh....I stole it. Hope you don't mind."

Xen peeks at the photo. It's Joel. He looked younger, less hardened by trauma, softer and relaxed. A girl, around Ellie's age, stands beside him in a soccer jersey, proudly clutching a trophy. Joel's smile is bright, toothy, rare. His arm is wrapped firmly around the small girl.

She's Sarah.

Xen's heart stutters in her chest. She glances at Joel, and his fingers are gripping the photograph hard, as if he can pull his daughter back, bring her very essence into the world. He swallows hard, and nods towards Ellie.

"Well...no matter how hard you try, I guess you can't escape your past. Thank you."

Xen still finds herself stunned and relieved at his slight openness in these moments. Joel turns, and they don't discuss the photo again.

They pass through an old Greyhound bus, corpses and luggage strewn across the vehicle. There's a large cracked window and they crawl through it. The broken glass lightly scrapes against Xen's tank top. They reach the other side and make a left, approaching a tunnel.

"This time is gonna be different. I just know it," Ellie chirps as they enter the dim tunnel, lined with defunct cars and buses. "What'd ya mean?" Joel calls back. "The Fireflies?" Xen asks, and Ellie nods. "They're gonna be there. I'm sure of it," the girl breathes. Xen nods.

"Let's hope so." 

Joel says nothing, hut continues walking.

There's a large cargo truck blocking their path. They scale the cars alongside it and hop onto the large truck, jumping down and crossing over. They're jogging, until Xen hears something. It's faint and eerie, but she knows it's the infected. "Shit, get down," she hisses, crouching against the pavement.

They crawl towards a large RV blocking the way, and climb on top of a decrepit car alongside it, and then onto the RV. They're deathly slow as they hop down. Xen winces at the dull pain in her ankles. Clickers lurk nearby, and Xen feels cold sweat coat her back like a blanket. They creep into a room, and Ellie lets out a shaky breath.

"Oh my god, there's so fucking many," she whispers barely. "I know, lets just keep at it," Joel whispers back, quickly skimming the room for supplies. He finds a few gears and they silently crawl out of the room, back into the tunnel with infected infesting every square inch of the road. 

They're almost to the end. Xen's muscles tighten with the urge to flee but she's smarter than that. They cautiously loom around cars and eerily loud clickers, before reaching the end of the tunnel, blocked off by a large freight truck. There's a crate on top of it, and Ellie notices. She already knows what to do. It's routine as she places her foot in Joel's large hands and he quietly lifts her atop the vehicle.

Ellie passes the crate halfway down, and Joel takes it, soundlessly setting it down. He moves aside, motioning for Xen to go first. She shakes her head, wants him to go in case a pack of infected hear something. He glares at her sternly. "Go," he hisses.

She is stubborn as she wordlessly pushes him forward, and he grumbles, reluctantly climbing atop the crate and onto the truck. Xen follows behind, and Joel grabs her, wordlessly pulling her up and making her roll her eyes.

They hop down, and there are no more clickers. Xen lets out a sigh of relief. "We're good. Don't think they can hear us now," Joel mutters. They clamber along the side of this new tunnel, which is filled with water. Ellie breathes hard. "Ok," she chirps shakily.

"Watch your step, Ellie. Water looks pretty deep," Joel calls out. Him and Xen hop in, and Ellie waits, but not silently, of course. "Hey, that's what we can do once we're done!" She chimes. "Do what?" Xen calls back, simultaneously searching for something to keep the girl afloat. "You guys can teach me how to swim." Joel chuckles. "You got it."

Xen dives under the surface, and Joel follows after her. The water is murky, but she can see a submerged bus. She shimmies through the open doors, then a broken window, leading her to the other side of the tunnel.

"We're on the other side!" Joel yells to Ellie. "Cool! Drop that ladder down for me!"

They clamber out of the water and up a mossy growth, leading to the top of a truck. Xen picks up the ladder and lugs it over to the other side, where Ellie waits. Xen drops it down, and Ellie catches the other half. She quickly climbs up and hoists herself atop the truck.

"Alright, just stick to the edge. Water's shallow over there," Joel advises. Ellie hums in acknowledgment. They wade through the murky water, reaching a pair of steps, leading to a chain link door. They climb up the steps and Joel yanks roughly at the door to no avail.

"And...another jammed door."

Xen shines her flashlight up on the top of the door and fence. There's a considerable gap between the chain link fence and ceiling. "Joel, life me over," Xen says, nodding towards the gap. He wordlessly comes over and bends down. She plants her boot in his hands and he lifts her up, grunting quietly as she clambers over the metal and hits the ground.

It's dark and her flashlight begins to flicker. She grumbles and smacks the device against her hand. "Clicker!" Ellie yells. Xen’s eyes widen and she turns around sharply. A clicker is coming too close for her liking. She scrambles for her gun, only to be startled by Joel's own gunfire. 

The clickers blood splatters across her cheekbones. She groans and wipes her face with the heels of her hands. "You've gotta stop doing this to me, Joel," she murmurs, and he laughs dryly. "Is dyin’ a better option?"

She says nothing, just rolls her eyes and removes the wrench blocking the door. Joel and Ellie come through and Xen swings the door shut. They walk up a short pair of metal steps, stained with blood, then turn into a short hallway with pipes. "Watch your head."

They duck beneath the pipes and enter some sort of corridor, filled with water. Ellie points upwards towards the large hole in the roof of the tunnel, and they can see the hospital in the distance. Xen looks away as she feels her stomach turn, and slides into the leaden water.

"Just stay put," Joel says, and Ellie hums. Him and Xen swim over to the metal stairs on the other side of the corridor. They trudge up the steps and onto a metal platform, lacking a piece in the middle, and hindering them from crossing over. "Fuck," Xen murmurs, forehead creasing as she skims over her surroundings.

"I ain't makin' that jump," Joel mutters, turning and heading back down the steps. Xen follows behind him. They wade back into the water, and Xen dives under. There's a doorway submerged beneath the pool, and she turns to tell Joel, but he's already following her.

They swim through the doorway, and down a long, narrow hallway. Xen swims faster as she feels her lungs giving out. They enter the room at the end of the hallway, and swim up to the surface. Xen sucks in deep gulps of air, paddling towards a set of stairs. 

She turns towards Joel, who breathes kind of hard, but doesn't look very exasperated. "Are you even human?" She breathes as they clamber up the steps. He smirks gently and shrugs. "I'd say so." She just rolls her eyes.

They wander around the room, looking for another way out. Xen shines her flashlight up, and the same vents they scaled before line the walls. There's a large radiator that they could climb to get to the vents. "Joel," she calls out. He turns from where he's searching and trails over to her. She shines her flashlight on the radiator, then the vents. "Smart," he murmurs, hoisting himself onto the radiator. 

Xen follows behind him, and the vents creak noisily as they pull themselves onto the metal. The walk across the first beam, then hop down onto the one below. "Don't fall," Xen whispers. Joel scoffs. "You wish."

They reach a thin crawl space between a pipe and the wall. Xen squeezes through first, and Joel follows behind her. They're in the room from before, and Ellie stands below. "You made it! All right, come on, get me across," she yells from her spot. There's an large wooden palette leaning against the railing. Joel pushes it over, grunting at the weight. It hits the murky water with a loud splash. 

Xen jumps over the railing and into the water, submerged beneath the grungy surface before coming back up. Joel follows after her, swimming back up and pushing the palette over to Ellie. She's weary as she hops onto it, clutching the side of the palette nervously.

"Be careful," she hisses. "I gotcha," Joel breathes, pushing her over to the metal platform above. She stands up, and clambers towards the upper level with a weak grunt. Joel and Xen swim over to the platform Ellie waited on, quickly climbing onto it.

Ellie runs up the steps of the corridor, and releases the ladder at the higher level. Joel steps forward, beginning to climb up the ladder, until it becomes unhinged and collapses. "Shit!" Joel yells, stumbling backwards, holding the ladder as bits of metal crash down against the floor. Xen backs up and shields her face cautiously.

She doesn't need any more gashes in her skin.

"What happened?" Ellie shouts. "Damn ladder broke off the wall!" Joel hollers back. "Now what?" Ellie asks. "We'll figure somethin' out."   
Xen glances up, and sees a gap in the railing at the other end of the upper level. "Here," she suggests, snapping her fingers and pointing to the other end of the platform. He carries it over to her recommended spot and leaves it against the wall. "Ladies first," he says breathlessly, 

Xen snorts. "You just want me to take the fall if this shit breaks," she quips, quickly climbing up the creaky ladder. He scoffs, and she reaches the top level, bending down and holding the ladder still for Joel. He climbs up quickly, and surprises her with a light squeeze against her hip. It's a silent show of gratitude. Electricity sizzles beneath her skin and she shivers. He smirks at her knowingly and she rolls her eyes. "Tease," she huffs, picking up the metal ladder with a small grunt.

"You want me to get that?" Joel asks as she begins to walk over to the end of the platform. She shakes her head, and groans quietly as she drops the ladder to the lower level. Joel holds the ladder still as she climbs down, and she returns the favor as he follows her actions.

Xen grabs the ladder again, and carries it over to the gap between the two platforms. She sets it down, and bridges the gap. She carefully clambers across it and Joel walks behind her. "Smart," Ellie chirps. They jog up the metal steps of the platform and mist begins to cloud the air. Xen furrows her eyebrows.

"Oh boy," she whispers. Xen peeks over the edge of the platform. A wild river rushes below, sloshing against abandoned cars and trucks. "Fuck," she hisses, turning and glancing at Joel. He sighs. "Just let me go ahead and you follow my lead," he says to Ellie.

Because he knows he can't stop Xen from sticking right beside him.

He walks out onto the freight truck, and Xen follows behind him, confirming what he knew. "Don't fall," he murmurs, and she laughs dryly.  
"You'll catch me, cowboy." They hop onto the next truck, Xen's boots clomping against the metal. She constantly checks over her shoulder as Ellie wearily follows them. The water rushes below them as they hop from truck to truck, and Xen's heart hammers at the mere thought of Ellie being swallowed by the turbulent stream below.

They leap from a large yellow truck onto the vents lining the walls clumsily. "You good?" Xen asks breathlessly. He nods. The two shakily stand up straight. Ellie's firm against the yellow truck, her legs locked into place and her mouth ajar as her eyes flicker between the vents and the rough tide below.

"C'mon Ellie, jump," Joel calls out. Ellie laughs but there’s no humor behind the sound. "You're gonna catch me?" "I got you," he promises. Xen kneels down beside him, extending her arm forward. "I'm here too. Come on," Xen encourages, motioning the shaky girl over. She sighs, glancing down at the tide once more, before looking up at Xen and Joel. She runs forward, jumping and grabbing at the edge of the vent shakily. Xen and Joel grip each of her arms, securely pulling her fully onto the vent.

"See? Barely even needed us," he assures as she catches her breath. She laughs shakily. "Let's get there hell off this thing." They crawl along the vents. Xen and Ellie hop onto a greyhound bus below. It shakes slightly and Xen cautiously grips the sides of the bus.

"We're okay," she breathes to Ellie, who crouches with dilated eyes. Joel jumps down, and all hell breaks loose as the bus begins to tip. "Shit, move!" He yells. Xen and Ellie scramble upwards, sprinting towards the platform at the opposite end of the tunnel. Xen can feel the bus moving beneath her feet, and she barely makes it onto the platform before the bus begins to move down the stream.

Joel's standing on it, cursing beneath his breath as the bus moves down the stream. Xen and Ellie run down the platform. "C'mon!" Xen yells, extending her arm forward. Joel leans forward and shakily reaches for her, before falling back and through the doors of the bus.

"Joel!" Ellie shouts. Xen doesn't think as she hops down onto the bus, and lowers herself through the doors, hitting the rough tide below. "Fuck," she growls, grasping at one of the seat handles to steady herself. "Xen! What the hell!?" Joel yells. He's crashed against the back of the bus, and Xen lets go of the bar, the tide pushing her down the back of the bus, and into Joel's chest. She grunts and his large hand grips her arm. "You're so god damn stubborn for this," he hisses. She ignores him and looks up. Glass doors are above and she yanks her arm out of his hand.

"Lift me. I'll open the doors," she says breathlessly. He can't exactly lift her with his hand and knee like they usually do, so his brawny arms circle around her waist and begin to hoist her upwards, but Ellie's jumps down from the platform, landing on the glass.

"Shit," Xen hisses, startled at the sudden sight. Joel drops her down, and grumbles. "I made it! I fucking made it!" Ellie yells, laughing deliriously. She bends down, and begins to pull at the doors. "Open you piece of shit!"

Joel lifts Xen again, her bottom propped on his shoulder as she pulls at the door as well. "Fuck," she groans, desperately yanking at the door. Ellie begins kicking hard, and one door finally opens. More water rushes in, and they're submerged beneath the tide momentarily, before paddling back up.

Ellie extends her puny arm forward, and Joel reaches for it, but the bus crashes forward. Ellie grasps the side of the bus desperately, and Joel tries to grab her hand. "Ellie! Gimme your hand!" He yells as she struggles to stay on top of the bus. She's frozen, trembling against the glass. "Ellie! Gimme your h-" the bus crashes downwards, and they're submerged again.

Xen swims down, squeezing through the bus door. Broken glass scrapes against her skin, but the pain of not knowing where Ellie may be is much greater. Joel too squeezes himself through and follows Xen as she desperately looks for Ellie. Her hearts pounding and she's beginning to panic, until she sees a body floating against the floor.

And she's never swam so fast.

Joel matches her speed, and grabs Ellie with one hand, and swims with the other. Their speeds are desperately urgent, and after what feels like forever, they reach the surface. Xen gasps, dragging herself onto the metal platform. Joel follows, dragging Ellie's limp body as he sputters and gasps for air.

Xen grabs Ellie and drags her further up. Joel clambers forward, desperately beginning to perform CPR on the limp girl. Her skins paler and her lips fade into an odd shade of blue. "Fuck, c'mon," Joel murmurs shakily, his large hands violently pressing onto her chest repeatedly. "Ellie," Xen breathes pressingly, shaking her urgently. It won't help, and she knows that deep down, but she's so helpless as she watches the girls limp body move only because of Joel's jerky motions.

"Hands in the air!"

Xen can't even look at who may be threatening them as she watches Ellie adamantly, searching for any signs of life. Joel breathes hard as he relentlessly performs CPR. "She's not breathing," he croaks as footsteps come closer.

"Hands in the fuckin' air!" The brash voice yells again. "Come on Ellie," Joel cries, and Xen's chest rises and falls with unadulterated panic. "Fuck," she whispers, and suddenly a gun is smashed against the back of her skull.

The pain is short and hot before she passes out.


	21. a loaded gun won’t set you free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only two chapters left!

He awakens in a hospital bed.

His vision is blurry, a ringing sharp in his ears and a hot throbbing apparent in the back of his skull. He groans quietly, blinking as he tries to adjust to the harsh light above his head.

He turns his head. His vision is imperfect, but he knows it's Marlene who sits beside him. She stares down at him, warm brown eyes narrowed and foggy with tiredness. Her gaunt face is bruised and bloodied, but she looks stronger than she was during the summertime. "Welcome to the Fireflies." 

He grunts again, and slowly sits up. "Sorry about the... Y'know," Marlene mutters, pointing to the wound in his head.

"They didn't know who you were," she explains. "And Ellie? Xen?" He asks urgently, fully sitting forward despite the dreadful ache in his head. Visions of the girl nearly dead flash in his mind, then Xen being knocked unconscious. He didn't have time to react before the same happened to him. "They're alright. Doctors brought Ellie back. Xen's concussed." It feels like a dreadful weight has been taken off his shoulders and he lets out a sigh of relief.

"You came all this way," Marlene remarks, shaking her head in disbelief. "How'd you do it?" He shakes his head, images of their journey flashing in his foggy mind. Something warm and gooey coats his heart and he's still not used to the feeling. "It was all them. They fought like hell to get here," he corrects. He wants to see them, wants to see Ellie's curious yet naive smile and Xen's hardened face and flesh littered with jagged scars.

He wants it all.

"Maybe it was meant to be," he huffs, only half joking. Marlene rises from her chair slowly, a stern frown permanent on her face. "I lost most of my crew crossing the country," she begins, biting the inside of her cheek. "I pretty much lost everything... and then you show up, and we find you guys just in time to save Ellie."

She shakes her head, pacing the room slowly. "Maybe it was meant to be."

"Take me to them," Joel demands quietly, rising up from the bed. His entire body aches miserably but he can't endure another minute without their presence. "You don't have to worry about them anymore. We'll take care-" "I worry," he interrupts, raising his hand slightly. "Just let me see 'em, please."

He can tell that something is off, in the way that Marlene defensively crosses her arms over her chest, and how the guard by his bed grips his gun tighter. Joel clenches his jaw, and glances up at Marlene questionably.

"You can't. They're being prepped for surgery," Marlene explains plainly, in a steel, monotone voice. Joel shoots upwards, ire suddenly boiling hotly in his stomach. "The hell you mean surgery?" He asks sharply, his mouth slightly ajar and his dim eyes shifty.

He knows for certain that something is wrong now. Very wrong.

"The doctors tell me that the cordyceps, the growth inside them both, has somehow mutated. It's why they're immune. Once they remove it, they'll be able to reverse engineer a vaccine," Marlene explains, and her eyes sparkle with someone resembling hope.

"But it grows on the brain," Joel mutters. He stares at her, and hopes she'll correct him, hopes she'll say there's another solution, but she doesn't, just stands rigid in the center of the room. "Find someone else," he growls, balling his fists up. "There is no one else."

Joel steps forward in a threatening manner, his body trembling with fury and a slight fear he's reluctant to admit to. "Listen, you are gonna show me where-" the guard interrupts his threat by tackling him to the floor. Joel grunts as the pain in his head increases.

"Stop," Marlene orders to the guard shortly. She circles around and looks down at Joel sternly. "Look, I get it, but whatever it is you think you're going through is nothing to what I've been through. I knew Ellie since she was a baby. I promised her mother I would look after her. Xen's been my closest friend since before the outbreak-" "then why are you letting this happen?" Joel asks breathlessly, almost pleadingly as he gazes up at the Firefly.

"Because this isn't about me. Or even them. There is no other choice here!" She cries, jabbing her finger pointedly at the window, referring to the ravaged world they live in, what it could become. And Joel decides it's not worth it. He laughs dryly. What a crock of shit. "Yeah, you keep tellin' yourself that bullshit," he seethes, resting his hands on his knees.

Marlene clenches her jaw, and turns towards the guard. "March him outta here. He tries anything, shoot him." Joel doesn't know how just yet, but he knows that he won't let that happen. "Don't waste this gift, Joel," She warns. She eyes him one last time, before swiftly leaning the room. 

"Get up," the guard growls. The gears turn in Joel's head, and he says nothing as he desperately tries to whip up a plan.

"I said get up," the guard repeats cautiously, pointing his gun at Joel. He eyes the shiny metal of the pistol and reluctantly rises from the dirty concrete floor, cutting his eyes at the guard. He hates to submit to such a pathetic piece of shit. "Go on, move." He slowly steps out of the room, the guard right behind him, his gun pressed against Joel's back. 

"Keep moving," he snarls, shoving Joel forward. His fists are balled up and his ire festers hotly. His fingers itch with the urge to kill this son of a bitch. He presses the gun harder into Joel's back. "Gimme an excuse."

He's playing with fire.

"Which way?" Joel asks quietly. "Left." He shuffles past the counter of the abandoned hospital, his backpack perched atop it. He stops, stands still again. "The fuck you doin'? Keep walking," the guard hisses. 

Joel is stagnant.

"I said keep-" Joel elbows the man backwards, then turns and slams him into a wall. His gun falls and Joel quickly steals it, and presses it against the mans thigh. "Where's the operating room?" He growls, his breathing erratic. He's depraved, brutal and desperate as he demands information. The man says nothing, and Joel shakes his head. "I ain't got time for this."

He shoots the man in the thigh, and he croaks pathetically. "Where?" Joel demands in a gruesome tone. The guard continues to say nothing and he shoots his leg once again. He cries out in pain, his voice strangled as Joel presses his arm against his throat.

"Where!?" His voice is unrecognizable, drenched in raw ire and desperation. "Top floor. The far end," he croaks out. Joel releases the guard and he collapses to the floor, groaning quietly. Joel aims his gun at the guards head, and promptly shoots him.

His blood splatters against the wall, and Joel almost likes it. Bastard wasted too much of his time. "Gunshots! Search the floor!" He tucks his pistol in the back of his jeans and scoops up his backpack. He isn't scared now, because he knows he'll get them out. He has to.

________________________________

Xen awakens on an operating table. Her skull throbs dully and she grunts at the searing pain in her side. "Shit," she croaks. She turns her head, and Ellie lies there, motionless, eyes open and focused on the ceiling.

If she had a deity, she'd thank them right now.

"Ellie!" She gasps, sitting up despite the painful ache that consumes her head. Ellie turns over, letting out a breath of relief. "Fuck, I thought you were dead. You've been out for a little bit," the girl explains, and Xen shakes her head. "Nope." They're dressed in hospital gowns, and Xen remembers why they're here.

To make a cure.

The door opens, and three doctors come in, along with Marlene. She glances at Ellie and Xen, and stands between the two operating tables, frowning sternly. Xen's stomach turns. Something feels off about her demeanor. "I've known you two all these years. I'm gonna be honest here," she begins quietly. "To reverse engineer a vaccine..." she pauses, and takes a breath, rubbing her hands together.

Xen stiffens in the slightest fear. In the twenty years she's known her, Marlene's never stopped, never felt the need to hold back.

She forces her gaze away from Ellie and Xen and instead stares blankly at the wall, maybe because it's easier this way. "We're going to have to dissect your brains." It sounds like a grim joke. Xen would laugh if not for the veil of tears coating Marlene's eyes.

She doesn't mind dying for a vaccine. It's her duty she supposes, bestowed with such a strange gift. But Ellie... no, Ellie can't. She's missed too much, has had too many promises made to her. It's not time for her to go. She hasn't even swam, hasn't painted, drawn, played guitar. She's barely fulfilled her purpose, not as an immune person, but as a child. 

"And we'll die," Ellie finishes plainly. She doesn't sound devastated, doesn't sound too excited either. Marlene says nothing, but begins to pace the room. "This is a cause bigger than ourselves. We can't waste this chance."

"Take me, let Ellie go," Xen orders without hesitance. She knows this is the only decision that makes sense. Marlene looks at Xen knowingly, the slightest twinkle of sympathy glimmering in her dark eyes.

"You know I can't do that," Marlene whispers, sighing and resting her face in her hands. "Yes you can, Marlene. Let me do it," she pleads, trying to sit up straight on the operating table, but a pair of gloved hands forces her back down. The latex irritates her skin and she writhes against the table desperately. "Please."

She's begging. She's hasn't begged in a long time.

The erratic rhythm in which her heart beats is terrifying. It can't happen, it just can't. There are things Ellie needs before she dies. She can see the girl out of the corner of her eye. Her large green eyes shift between Xen and Marlene. She doesn't look scared, just stressed. Marlene circles around the table, and crouches down beside Xen. "How could you do this?"

"This isn't about me," Marlene hisses. "And it's not about you or even Ellie. The world needs this, Xen. Imagine all the lives you two could save with this, imagine having a cure."

Xen isn't listening as panic and desperation and sorrow flood through her with the strength of the sea. She shakes her head, because she knows whatever her oldest friend is going on about is a load of crap. "This is some self righteous shit you're doing, Mar. You don't need Ellie for this, you only need me," she hisses. The surgeons hands on her shoulders leave but she doesn't move, just lies there and glares at Marlene, who clenches her jaw.

"What if you don't work?" She asks, and Xen scoffs. "Why the hell wouldn't I? Cut her loose. You're supposed to take care of her, supposed to let her live. What type of shit is this?" Marlene balls her hands up into fists against her side. She ignores Xen, because maybe she's thinking about what she's doing now.

"Prepare them for the surgery," she murmurs to a surgeon, before swiftly leaving the room. And a horrid sense of dread settles in Xen's very own soul. She has nothing to fend off the surgeons, to make them discharge Ellie and let herself be the sacrifice. She desperately looks at Ellie, who stares blankly at the ceiling. She wonders what the girl's thinking, if she's scared for what awaits her after death, or curious to see what lies ahead, or happy enough to be providing a priceless gift for mankind.

Xen realizes it doesn't matter, because she won't let this happen.

The surgeons leave to wash their hands, and Xen desperately stares at the girl. "Go Ellie, run," she hisses, and the girl turns her head, staring at Xen with a small smile that almost brings tears to the cold woman's eyes. 

"I've done so much to be here. I need to do this," she explains quietly, and Xen shakes her head. "No, no... Joel still needs to teach you to swim, needs to teach you guitar. You need to be here," she argues pressingly, but to no avail as Ellie shakes her head this time. 

"You two have given me enough. I'm ready."

Xen knows she can't convince a girl as stubborn as Ellie, so she turns over onto her side, her bad hip digging into the cold metal of the table, but all she can feel is a profound loss as hot tears gush down her face. There's so much she wants to say to the girl, wants to let her know how loved she is, how she's morphed Xen into something unrecognizably loving.

But she can't accept that idea of someone so bright, so witty and electrifying and curious, dying out.

The surgeons re-enter the room, and circle around Ellie's table. They chat amongst themselves as they hook the girl up to many machines. And Xen can't control herself as she fucking begs them to let the girl go. "Please send her out of here," she cries, sniffling as her chest heaves. The two male surgeons ignore her pleas, but the woman offers her a look of slight sympathy. "This is for our future, can't you see?" She chimes gently, pathetically.

Xen doesn't want an explanation, doesn't want pity, just wants them to send Ellie away from here. "She's just a girl, please," she croaks, her throat raw from her own begging. The surgeons fully block out her painful frothing and begin to administer anesthesia to Ellie.

"Fuck," Xen cries, shutting her eyes as her body trembles. No, no. This can't be it. It can't be, can it? It feels like she's losing a piece of her very essence, her last grains of humanity stolen as they make the girl count backwards from ten. She fades into a deep slumber at seven.

"I'm fucking begging you! Let her go!" Xen roars, her voice cracking in an ugly, devastating way that's almost animalistic. The surgeons frown. "You guys will save so so many. Isn't that the legacy you want? The one she wants?" A man with a scalpel laments, and Xen shakes her head. "She doesn't know what she wants. She's a kid. Take me, use me, please."

They don't bother trying to make her understand any further, but begin to hook up machines alongside her table as well. She leans back down, utterly defeated as her back grows cold against the metal. She failed, let down another child and led them into something tragic. She hopes she's going to hell, to pay for the unforgiving messes she's made here.

But maybe she's not just yet, because she can hear the door of the operating room swing open roughly. "Sweet Jesus..." his dusky southern twang comes out in a shaky whisper, and she tries to lurch forward, but a surgeon holds her shoulders down again. "What are you doing in here?" The head surgeon at the foot of Xen's table asks sharply, gripping his scalpel.

It's an empty threat.

"I won't let you take them. This is our future! Think of all the lives we'll save!" He exclaims, but his words are fruitless as Joel promptly shoots him in the head. The female surgeon cries out as her colleagues body hits the ground with a soft thud. "No! You fucking animal!"

Xen turns her head and can see as Joel desperately unplugs the machines from Ellie. "C'mon, baby girl," he whispers solemnly, picking her up and holding her close in his strong arms. He looks at her in a painfully sorrowful, loving way, like a father does.

He loops around and urgently comes over to Xen. "Can you walk?" He asks, in an urgent but gentle way. Xen shakes her head. "I'm staying. You take Ellie, get her somewhere safe," she croaks, her eyes falling upon the sleeping girl. And she's thankful that Ellie has someone like Joel to teach her all the mundane things a person should know, a kid should know.

Joel's eyes widen, dim pupils illuminated by the bright lights over the operating table. He shakes his head vigorously. "No, no, c'mon baby, please." Her heart crumples at his use of a pet name for her. But she lies there rigidly. "I have to do this. I'm sorry," she murmurs, shifting her gaze away from the man she loves.

It's funny how it takes such a painstaking event to ease her into admitting such a thing.

Joel's face is blank as he extends his arm forward from beneath Ellie. Xen's eyes widen as the metal of his gun gleams. He shoots the two surgeons, their pleas falling upon deaf ears. As they die on the sterile ground of the operating room, so does the chance of a new dawn. "Oh my god..." Xen cries, muffling a hand against her mouth.

What the hell did he just do?

"Joel!" She hisses, gasping as she sits up. "Do you understand what you just did?" She seethes, sobbing clumsily and gasping for air. Her purpose in this cruel world, her ability to relieve the pain of so many vanishes into dust.

His face is stony as he stares at her. "Get up," he whispers, more stern and decisive than he's ever been before. She's frozen in place as her mind takes in what's happened, and Joel suddenly looks outside the door, and can see the flashlights of Firefly guards.

"Shit, we gotta go, now!" He hisses, holding Ellie closer to his chest. And Xen does as he says, because she's got nothing left here. They dart into the dim hallways, scarcely illuminated by the flashlights of guards. "They're running towards pediatrics!" The rough voice of a guard hollers, and Joel curses quietly.

"I'm gonna get you outta here girl, I got you, I got you," he promises desperately to Ellie's unconscious being as they run through the halls. Xen's bare feet smack against the floor, nearly slipping through puddles of blood and tripping over strewn corpses.

Joel's killed nearly every Firefly left. She just knows he was brutal, utterly depraved. His commitment is horrifyingly beautiful. They turn a corner and continue to bolt down the hall. They cut through several hospital rooms and round another corner. The elevator lies at the end of the hall, glowing like a beacon of light. "We're okay... we're okay..." Joel mutters shakily. Gunfire ricochets off the walls as they run into the safety of the elevator.

Joel pressingly hits the red button that shuts the doors. "Oh god..." he breathes, leaning back against the metal wall of the elevator. Xen stands rigid beside him, her ears ringing from the gunfire and her head throbbing.

But the dread she feels, it outweighs everything.

They arrive to the parking garage of the hospital, and Joel immediately scrambles out of the elevator. Xen follows, but they are stopped by Marlene, who stands still in the darkness of the garage, a gun aimed at the three. "You can't save them, Joel," she pants, her hands tight around her weapon.

"Even if you get out of here, then what? How long before they're torn to pieces by a pack of clickers? And that's if they haven't been raped and murdered first." Xen would laugh is she weren't shaking so violently from what she just lost, what humanity just lost. Her and Marlene spent years together at the beginning of the end, fending off infected and licking their wounds with as much ease as possible. Xen's more than capable and she knows it.

So is Ellie.

"That ain't for you to decide," Joel hisses, backing away from the queen Firefly. "It's what they both want!" She argues, glancing fleetingly at Xen. "Look... you can still do the right thing here," She whispers, her stern face softening as she begins to lower her gun. Joel stands firm in place, Ellie protected in his arms.

Xen stands beside him, distant as she tries to cope. But she can't. So many emotions flood through her with the thickness of blood, with the intensity of an ocean, and she can't function, can't speak, can't breathe.

"They won't feel anything," Marlene continues, referring to the procedure. 

Joel gazes at her, and he almost looks as if he'll crack.


	22. long way from home

Joel's hands grip the steering wheel hard, his eyes vacant at the decrepit road ahead of them. He wants to deny the shame that lingers within him, the slightest remorse for taking so much, and he lets out a sigh of misery. 

He knows that he did the right thing. He did the right thing, didn't he? And now he doesn't know, because Xen wouldn't be hunched over in the passenger seat and crying every so often if he had.

Ellie's groans fill his ears and he quickly looks in the rear view mirror. He’s never been so relieved in his many years. She's waking up from the anesthesia, her mouth twisting into an uncomfortable grimace. "What the hell am I wearing?" She grunts, itching the back of her neck. "Just take it easy. Drugs are still wearin' off," he murmurs, glancing at Xen.

She leans against the window, her thick curls masking her face. He can't tell whether she's sleeping or simply defunct from what's happened. He hopes it not the latter, but he doesn’t doubt it.

"What happened?" Ellie asks, rubbing her eyes. And Joel's stomach turns as he quickly weaves a lie. "We found the Fireflies." He remembers Marlene lowering her gun to the floor of the parking garage. "Turns out there's a whole lot more like you and Xen, people that are immune, dozens, actually." 

He remembers how he stealthily held his gun beneath Ellie's legs.

"Ain't done a damn bit of good neither," he adds. He remembers how he shot Marlene in the stomach, how Xen cried out and immediately stumbled backwards, hitting the ground harshly in pure shock. 

"They've stopped looking for a cure." And deep down, he knows he's crossed a line that he can't go back on. But it's worth it, he supposes. Ellie stares blankly at the ceiling, probably still too whacked out on the drugs to understand. "I'm takin' us home," Joel says with finality.

Home. He doesn't know exactly where that is, but the two other people in the car resemble something warm and rosy. And that means they're the makings of a home, he supposes.

Ellie just shuts her eyes, and rolls back over. Her tiny snores soon sound, and Joel's heart sinks. "I'm sorry." It's barely a whisper, a quiet admission of guilt for what he's taken. 

And he can hear Xen begin to cry quietly.

_______________________________

His gun sounds, and a bullet is nestled in Marlene's cartilage. 

Xen nearly chokes, crying out and stumbling backwards into the floor. An old friend, once a companion, gasping and clutching her stomach in agony. It's horrifying. "Mar..." Xen whispers. She doesn't move closer, but lets her remaining crumbs of love for her friend show in the way her dark eyes soften at the sight.

Joel quickly lays Ellie across the back seats of Marlene's own truck, and slams the door shut, before trailing back over to Marlene, who groans in pain as she drags herself along the concrete. Xen watches from a distance, her entire body trembling impossibly. She knows what will happen, but she doesn't want to accept it. "Joel..." she breathes, trying to stand but collapsing. She's concussed and empty and lost. "Wait!" Marlene cries out.

"Let me go," she nearly begs, raising her hand pleadingly. Xen had been in a very similar situation not too long ago, begging her oldest friend to spare the life of a girl. But her cries and moans were fruitless.

So are Marlene's, apparently.

"You'd just come after them." Joel promptly shoots the woman in the head, and Xen looks away as Marlene's head violently hits the floor. "Fuck," she hisses, her stomach turning in pure agony. Her hip aches and her head throbs as she crawls off. She doesn't know where she's going, what's happening....

"Xen..." Joel mutters, following after her easily. She groans in defeat and lies motionless against the concrete. She halfheartedly hopes he'll leave her there, but he doesn't. He bends down beside her, his large hand cupping her cheek. "Please, please come on," he croaks, his voice cracking in the slightest way. She doesn't move, stares at him blankly. He's almost crying for the first time in fifteen years as he scoops her up.

She lets him, because she's so exhausted and delirious. And she still loves him reluctantly, that will never change. She wraps her arm around his broad shoulders and leans her cheek against his chest, feeling tears begin to trickle down her face once again.

He places her gently in the passenger seat, and she lazily rests against the door once he shuts it. A profound hollowness she thought she had exterminated comes creeping back in, like an old lover and her worst enemy.


	23. i wear this crown of thorns upon my liars chair

Xen leans against the side of the truck, her eyes lazily glancing over Ellie, who sits in the drivers seat while Joel inspects the engine, his free hand holding the hood of the truck open. He suddenly slams it down, groaning quietly.

"Well... looks like we're walkin'."

Xen slings her backpack over her shoulder, and loops around the car. Ellie follows closely behind her. "Should be a straight shot through there," Joel says, nodding towards the dirt trail that winds through the woods. "Alright."

It's been a week since.... everything. Xen doesn't know how to forgive, feels like she never will. And how will she tell Ellie such a thing? Something that could change how she sees everything? She sure as hell doesn't know yet. Doesn't feel like she knows much right now, except her instinct to protect Ellie, and the deep rooted love she harbors like a weight on her shoulders for Joel.

That won't change, she's afraid.

"This is kinda pretty actually," Joel murmurs, his dusky eyes taking in the surroundings of Wyoming. Xen says nothing. She wishes she could appreciate the towering oak trees and the jagged cliffs and the softness of the mossy ground beneath her boots, but she just thinks of how ugly the world really is beneath its divine exterior.

They reach a short fence, and Joel holds the chains open for Ellie to crawl through. "Watch your head," he warns as she ducks and clambers through the chains. "Got it." She then holds the chains open for him and Xen.

Xen crawls through first, and Joel follows, letting out a quiet groan. "Feelin' my age now," he grunts. She snorts, something resembling a laugh for the first time in a week. Ellie hums quietly, wearing a small smile as they trail through blooming azaleas and tall grass. 

Sunlight barely shines in through the large, thick oak trees that are strewn across the woodlands, and the slight coolness of the shadowy forest is calming. "Don't think I ever said it but uh... Sarah and I used to take hikes like this," he admits, gravelly voice dropping an octave. And Xen hates herself as she fleetingly touches his hand in acknowledgment.

It's not forgiveness, nothing close to it. But it's the quietest admission of sympathy.

He glances at her with something resembling disbelief, before he eases back into a neutral look. "Ellie...I think the two of you would've been good friends. Think you really woulda liked her. I know she woulda liked you," he chokes out, wearing a faint half smile.

"Yeah, I think so," Ellie responds gently, nodding her head. They hop over an overturned tree, and then up a boulder, revealing Jackson sitting below the mountain. It's a large settlement, full of houses and buildings. It's a home, maybe. Mountains stand tall in the distance, large masses of land coated in green. It's probably the most beautiful sight she's come across since the outbreak.

"Holy shit," Ellie whispers, and Xen nods in agreement. "Yeah..."

"Just a little bit further now," Joel announces. They leap over a flowing stream and he runs ahead, clambering up a log and onto a higher piece of land. The log collapses, and he grunts quietly at the inconvenience, leaning down and offering his hand out. Ellie steps forward. "Here, I got you."

She grabs his large hand and he drags her up onto the grass. He then reaches out again for Xen. She reluctantly steps forward, and latches onto his arm. Her boots dig into the short hillside as he pulls her up with a weak groan.

She stands up, and dusts her knees off. "C'mon," Joel murmurs, beginning to trek forward. Xen follows him, but Ellie stands in the grass, frozen. "Wait," she calls out, and their walking seizes. Joel furrows his eyebrows, stepping closer to the girl, who fidgets with her thumbs nervously, and lets out a groan.

"Back in Boston—back when I was bitten... I wasn't alone." Joel gazes at her in his usual stern way, but something softens in those steel, whiskey eyes of his. "My best friend was there. And she got bit too. We didn't know what to do. So... she says 'let's just wait, Y'know? We can be all poetic and just lose our minds together.' I'm still waiting for my turn."

"Ellie-" Joel begins timidly, but Ellie cuts him off. "Her name was Riley, and she was the first to die. And then it was Tess, then Sam..." she trails off, her voice wavering in the quietest way. "None of that is your fault," Joel says with thundering finality. Ellie sighs and shakes her head. "You don't understand."

Joel clenches his jaw, and crosses his arms over his chest. Xen wants to tell Ellie about her own past, but shame blossoms in her stomach like a flowering plant, because she can't. She's not ready, and she won't ever be.

"I struggled for a long time with survivin', and you.." he pauses, his fingers gripping his broken watch tightly as a sorrowful look hardens on his face. "No matter what, you keep finding somethin' to fight for. Now I know that's not what you want to hear right now-"

"Swear to me."

Xen's stomach turns violently, and she can see Joel frown deeply with the slightest hint of fear. "Swear to me, to Xen, that everything you said about the Fireflies is true," she says sternly, sadly. And the scariest thing is, Joel barely hesitates as he nods firmly.

"I swear."

A line has been crossed, one that Joel can't go back on. Neither can Xen, as she stands rigid with a dull, crushing silence. He's told a lie that seems definite in its ability to ruin lives, and Xen wonders how he does it so seamlessly, mixes truth and deception without fail. She supposes it's his commitment, his passion, but that does nothing to quell the ache in her stomach.

Ellie softens slightly, and nods. "Okay."

Xen can tell she doesn't believe him in the way her ever curious green eyes narrow, and who would? His lie is flimsy and transparent, but maybe Ellie pushes that fact away, and tries, tries to believe that he wouldn't. But reservations lie idle in the back of her adolescent mind of what truly occurred.

The girl wanders off, bends down and begins to pick at some blooming hydrangeas. Xen is reluctant as she wraps her arm around Joel's waist, perches her bruised chin atop his strong shoulder. She needs this, just a fleeting moment of softness after the past week full of guilt and questioning what her purpose is now.

Joel wraps his strong arm around her back, and holds her close. His nose is buried in her hair, and he shuts his eyes, wishing time could freeze and they could stay anchored to the mountaintop. But he knows what he's done.

"I'm gonna have to tell her the truth some day."

Xen doesn't whisper this as a threat, but as a promise. Joel just nods. "I know."

Despite his transgressions, she buries her face in the crook of his neck, hoping she can one day find the strength to forgive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all of you who have paid this story attention and those of you who have supported it endlessly. I will be posting the sequel called Future Days very soon. Please please read it if you want to further explore Joel and Xen’s story. Xo <3


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